V3C16: The Forever-Remembered First Kiss

When class finished on Wednesday, the head teacher told me to see her in the staffroom.

I had a faint idea of what she wanted to talk about and sure enough, she narrated the stories of other students whose grades had slipped down and in turn failed the gaokao because of dating, saying that romance this early wasn’t good. She then talked from a female perspective, emphasizing on the point that girls were more emotional creatures and would be hurt much more than males would be, both physically and mentally.

She talked for almost an hour and I remained silent the entire time.

The moment I walked out of the staffroom, I threw everything she had said into the metaphorical trash. It wasn’t because she wasn’t making sense, but rather that I understood everything she was talking about much better than she did. She underestimated my maturity.

Zhang Jun was also called by his class teacher for a chat, probably also to dissuade him from dating, but we both pretended that nothing had happened. We weren’t even bothered to talk about it all.

Teachers, to Zhang Jun and I, were extremely annoying people who had no power over us.

Zhang Jun and I continued our ‘early dating’. I had the halo of first in the grade, Zhang Jun was top four in his class, and his class teacher was friends with his brother-in-law, so the methods the teachers took were relatively gentle. Nevertheless, we were still being ‘invited’ to the staffroom every week for chats. I was so tempted to tell the teacher that if my grades did get affected, it was probably because of them, not because of dating.

When the results for yearlies came down, I was still number one whilst Zhang Jun was twenty-eighth.

I was relieved. Surely they would stop rambling on about how dating will affect studying now, right?

That Saturday night, Zhang Jun asked me for a stroll by the river.

The colour of autumn had already dyed the poplar forest surrounding the river. It was a field of gold as far as the eye could see, giving off a heavy sense of brilliance.

We sat on the bridge and watched as the river flowed by underneath us.

Zhang Jun passed me an old metal cookie box. I opened it to see that it contained many pretty rocks.

I looked at him in confusion and he smiled. “Happy late-birthday.”

I couldn’t help the corners of my lips rising. “I thought you had forgotten.”

“I’d never forget,” he replied.

“Why so many? Didn’t you say that you’d give me one for each year?”

He picked up a few rocks and allowed them to fall through his fingers. “For the past years, when I liked you, I would pick up pretty rocks, but when I wished I could stop liking you, I would throw them all away. I still remember back in middle school when I saw you dancing with Xu Xiaobo again, I ran here that night and threw away all the rocks and as I threw them away, I promised to myself that I would never like you again.”

The images of the past resurfaced in my brain, as clear as if they had happened yesterday, but in a flash, three years had passed.

I smiled bitterly. “That night, I was underneath the bridge.”

“..?” He didn’t understand. 

“On the night you threw away the rocks, I was sitting there, watching you, and I only went back home after you had left. I got a big scolding because of that,” I pointed at the shadow where I had sat back then, next to the bridge pier.

He turned to look at me, the expression on his face a strange combination of both sorrow and delight. I probably wasn’t much better. From under to on top of the bridge, the journey had taken us more than seven hundred days.

He stared down at the river. “I always thought that you hated me, but when you helped me to hide the gun, I thought: you wouldn’t do that for just anyone. When you refused to give me the gun back, I know I looked stressed, but I was actually really glad because it felt like you cared for me, otherwise you wouldn’t have bothered to search up the laws regarding firearms. 

Afterwards, you asked me a question to corner me, and I thought that maybe you also liked me, just a little, but you were always with Xu Xiaobo so I also tried to corner you with a question in return. And then when you said that you didn’t like Xu Xiaobo, I really was happy. Later, when I was being interrogated in the police station, when I was unsettled, I would think of you and be both happy and afraid.”

Back then, he wasn’t the only sad one. 

“Every time I saw you with someone else I would feel so distressed. The reason I wore a red dress that day I danced with Xiao Bo was because your… that person always wore red dresses,” I whispered.

“Why did you keep ignoring me?” Zhang Jun rubbed my head roughly and clutched onto my arm tightly, so tightly that it hurt, but I knew that he wanted me to feel this pain. I embraced the pain silently with a tinge of joy. He sighed and let me go.

There was so much sadness within his eyes my heart ached as I leaned on his shoulder, and for the first time, I said ever so gently and humbly, “Let’s never fight again. If you don’t want me to talk with Shen Yuanzhe, I’ll distance myself from him.”

He gazed at me, his smile sorrowful but gentle. “How nice would it be if you never changed, Qiqi.”

I thought he was talking about my feelings. I lowered my eyes and said, abashed, “I will always like you. That will never change.”

He suddenly lowered his head and touched me lightly on my lips.

My body tightened, feeling both nervous but also expectant. I closed my eyes but didn’t turn my head away, showing hints of encouragement.

He was hesitant, nervous, not daring to make the next move. I waited for so long but there was no movement coming from him, so I turned my head away in disappointment, my eyes still closed from embarrassment when he kissed my cheeks again. I turned my head slightly in his direction, my lips glancing over his face, and I kissed his cheeks several times as well. In our nervous skin contact, our lips finally touched each other. He pressed in hesitantly a little, but then left immediately- this time though, I didn’t turn away and clutched on to his elbows tightly. It was as if he finally made up his mind and suddenly dipped his head down, truly kissing me, his tongue gently prying open my lips.

Due to my clumsiness, this kiss wasn’t as touching and lovely as described in novels. Our tongues would often come in contact with each other’s teeth, or our teeth would do the same, but we were still very invested.

When he was finished, my eyes were still closed and I felt weak all over as I leaned on him lightly. He held my hands tightly. “Qiqi, I’m sorry, I’m always such a bad person.”

I buried my head in his neck and whimpered. “Yeah, you’re such a meanie, but, I like meanies.”

“They say that girls will always remember their first kiss, I wonder if that’s true,” he murmured.

I smiled. “Ask me again ten years later then.”

He stared at me silently, an erratic smile on his face.

The autumn night wind brought with it a slight chill. He took off his jacket and placed it around my shoulders.

Sitting in his jacket, holding onto his hand silently, my heart was at a calm as never before. I felt that all our fights before were so pointless, that everything had become pointless. As long as I knew that I really liked him, as long as he liked me back, I would be so very happy.

He also sat silently, his hand tightly holding mine, giving me a sense of warmth.

“Have you decided which course you’ll take in the future?” he asked me suddenly.

“I’ve been too busy being angry and fighting to think about this. What about you?” I said half complaining, half coquettish.

“I thought a lot, especially about your future.”

“What about? Care to share?”

He hugged me suddenly and said, “Can we not talk about this tonight?”

Even though you brought this topic up yourself… I grinned. Underneath my glee, there was only my love towards him and I nodded gently. “Okay.”

He held my hand and looked up at the sky. “Let me tell you a joke.”

As he joked, I kept laughing, and he was always looking at me.

From Monday to Friday, he didn’t come find me at all, or walk home with me.

Ever since last weekend, after our talk next to the river, my mentality became a lot calmer and I stopped being so possessive, so I didn’t pay much attention to these details.

Class continued as usual until Saturday morning. Zhang Jun didn’t come to find me so I had to go look for him after school.

He was sitting with Huang Wei next to the fountain beneath the math block, chatting and laughing. Huang Wei ignored me and I pretended I didn’t see her and said to Zhang Jun, “When are we meeting tonight?”

Zhang Jun stared at me silently. “Did you not see Tong Yunzhu?”

“No? Was she looking for me?”

Zhang Jun shook his head and was silent for a long while. “I have something on tonight.”

I was unwilling to show any signs of disappointment in front of Huang Wei so I smiled and nodded. “Sure. I’ll go first then.”

As I walked, I felt my anger rising up, but after a few minutes, I reminded myself that I had said last weekend that I need to stop getting angry for no reason. My mood slowly settled. Maybe he had something important but forgot to tell me.

Tong Yunzhu caught up to me, panting, and passed a letter to me. “How did you manage to vanish the instant school finished? Zhang Jun asked me to give you this after school.”

I felt a little strange. He has never written letters to me before. What happened?

Not caring about going home, I just wanted to find a quiet place where I could read the letter without interruption. I ran to the river, threw my bag onto the ground and opened the letter.

Luo Qiqi:

Seeing the start, my heart sank and I reread the first line in disbelief.

Luo Qiqi:

I wanted to tell you this last week but I really didn’t know how to start, so here I am with a letter.

In primary school, I always felt guilty towards you. Every time I saw you being so silent, I wanted to do something for you. You acted like a little rabbit back then, the flighty type, and every time I was together with you, I would feel so nervous and act so carefully, just in case I scared you away.

My memories of primary school weren’t pretty, but because of Ms Gao, all the unhappiness had become irrelevant. There had never been a teacher who was as nice to me as she was. Whilst every other adult regarded me as helpless, she was willing to compliment me. Without her, I would probably have degraded completely until I rotted on the streets. In the summer holidays of year five, I went to listen to Ms Gao teach everyday and walked home with you. There were no cigarettes, no alcohol, no fighting, and a lot of homework. It was the exact opposite of my definition of fun but for some reason, I was so happy, I felt so happy everyday, looking forward to the next day of school.

Once, we played together in the river and as I laid on the big rock, sleeping, you covered me from the sun with your hat. I pretended to be asleep to see how long you would hold it for, but you kept holding it until I was too embarrassed to keep going. Do you still remember? You’ve probably forgotten. You were so dumb back then. You did everything dumbly and didn’t know how to speak to people. As long as both Ms Gao and I were staring at you, you would stutter, even if it was a question that you knew the solution to.

After middle school, I started having new friends, and the teachers were pretty nice to me as well, but for some reason, I would always look back to that summer holiday in year five, back to us getting tutored by Ms Gao, and remember that time when you were able to quickly come up with a solution but stuttered so much that you couldn’t explain it at all and even needed me to help explain. As I talked, you would nod continuously. Was your neck ever sore? I would remember that time you used your hat to cover the sun for me. 

I would often think that if we didn’t go to the same middle school, then it would merely become a piece of beautiful memory and you would become a piece of my youth that would always bring me guilt and happiness but, we were in the same school. I could see you everyday in school, the karaoke bars and dance halls, and no matter where I went, I would always see you.

I was worried that Xu Xiaobo would lead you astray, worried that you wouldn’t be able to deal with those gangsters, and my heart ached as you used the most stupid and stubborn methods to deal with Ju Baopeng, but you never went astray. You became better and better, from someone who always talked with a bowed head to getting a prize of public speaking in front of a couple thousand people; from stuttering as you spoke to representing the school in debating. I went to every speech and debating competition, and I went to see your blackboard designs. I even recorded down the moments when you appeared in the news. Seeing you gradually become more confident, more happy, I felt true joy for you.

I always thought that this was only because I had done something bad towards you and it was guilt that made me wish for you to be happy, but when I suddenly realized that I was being jealous of Xu Xiaobo, I finally realized that I had started liking you. I don’t even know when it started.

In the first grade of high school, you were in the classroom next to mine and I was able to see you almost everyday. You had always regarded school rules as nought and were always late, and it was only when everyone was already seated down in the classroom that you would walk towards the classroom with the bell as the background music. I used my powers as class captain and got the best seat. I really liked watching you from back then with your straight unwavering steps and that high ponytail which bounced as you walked. Your entire body radiated confidence like a gladiator, as if no matter what was in front of you, you would walk over it with your head raised. Every time I saw you, I would feel as if I was recharged.

You were often scolded by all the teachers because of being late but you never cared. Once, you were late again and the teacher told you to stand outside, and I saw you casually admiring the view outside the window and even start drawing on the window with water, obviously enjoying being out of class. I had wished that you would get sent outside more often so that I would be able to see you during class as well.

I wanted to confess to you everyday but every time I remembered that the name you called out was “Xiao Bo” when I walked you home in secret, every time I remembered how you slapped the love letter right back to Song Peng when he tried to confess, I lost all courage.

I was finally able to get the chance to get close to you because of the summer camp. I used up all of my brain power trying to get you, and everyday with you was spent in maximum joy and maximum fear. I was scared that I wasn’t good enough for you to like back.

It’s probably because we’ve known each other since kids, but I’ve always had a little image of you in my heart. I was always trying to protect you and take care of you, but you’ve already grown up. You’ve grown up to be even more strong and outstanding than others, and in front of you, I’m just a normal, ordinary boy. You don’t need my protection and care.

When we first got together, I had secretly swore in joy that I would make sure that you were always happy, but now I’ve realized that I’m unable to do so, and that I don’t have the abilities to do so.

I loved you so much but those feelings have been depleted with our countless fights and conflicts.

I’ve considered this for quite a while and I think that breaking up is the best ending for both you and me. You’ll definitely be able to meet an outstanding boy in the future. He’ll allow you to always walk forwards with your head up, your gait proud.

Zhang Jun.

I didn’t cry, nor feel any discomfort. I refused to believe that this was true.

I casually stuffed the letter into my pocket, grabbed my bag and walked calmly home before I put down my bag, told a lie to my mom and walked out again.

I went to Zhang Jun’s house to find him, called Master Zhen asking for his whereabouts, went to his usual places to find him- I didn’t know what I was thinking. All I knew was that I wanted to see him.

I searched for the entire night, from his house, to school, to the skating rink… He was nowhere to be found.

I went back outside his house and waited for him on the flower bed.

It was already eleven. He still wasn’t home but I waited patiently, not caring at all how my parents would deal with me returning so late. It was only until twelve that a familiar figure appeared underneath the hazy road lights.

He had both hands tucked into his pockets and he walked slowly, his head lowered.

“Zhang Jun.”

He turned around, looking at me in numb surprise. He had definitely not expected for me to be here, even though it was already past twelve.

I walked towards him, trying my best to smile and hold back the tears. “I saw your letter. I wanted to know if you were being serious?”

He nodded slowly. “I’m serious.”

“Are there really no chances of going back?” Even I was in awe at myself at being able to say everything so logically.

“There’s less than half a year until the Gaokao so focus on studying. Stop forcing yourself to suit my needs.”

“I really like you, you know. No matter what it was, I did it out of my own free will. I didn’t force myself.”

He paused and averted his gaze. “But I’ve stopped liking you.” As if he was afraid that I wouldn’t believe him, he added, “It’s painful being with you. No matter how much I liked you, it was consumed by time.”

I felt as if I was being suffocated, that this house I was trying to carefully maintain in my heart was falling down piece by piece, as if my entire heart was shattering but my face kept up its smile, maybe to keep the tears from falling, or maybe it was just my habitual instinct from all these years: the more hurt I was, the more I would smile.

“I’ll take you home,” he said.

We walked in silence and as we walked past the familiar little bridge, I tripped on the stairs and he reached out to help me. The sudden body contact made me forget about my pride and self-esteem in that instance. I grabbed his hand and asked him, almost begging him, “Can we not break up? Please, I’m willing to change, just tell me and I’ll change.”

He stared at me silently, his eyes filled with nostalgia but just as I thought he was going to agree, he pulled out his hand. “You’re not thinking properly. Have a good night’s sleep and you’ll know tomorrow that it’s not such a big deal.”

My pride and reason forbade me from saying anything more but my weak emotions were unwilling. I reached out for his retreating fingertips, wishing that his heart would soften, but he was stronger, his mind firmer. Finally, he pulled out his hand and walked away from me.

He walked in the front, I walked behind him, an alienating distance between us.

I was suddenly reminded of when he had told me his story of him trying to quit smoking. He started smoking from the second year of primary to third year of middle school and his addiction was so strong that he needed at least a packet every day. In the first year of high school, he decided that he wanted to become a normal student and started to quit smoking. It was really uncomfortable and some of his friends would tempt him with their cigarettes, but he said that since he had decided he was going to quit smoking, he would adhere to his decision, that after the first few most difficult days, everything would get better. As expected, after the first few weeks had passed, he had lost all desire to smoke.

This time, he had made up his mind to quit me. 

When we arrived underneath my apartment, I stood there and refused to go upstairs but he turned so nonchalantly and said, “I’m going home.” 

This was the first time he didn’t watch as I walked up stairs, that he didn’t smile and tell me to call him.

I felt embarrassed at my reluctance and immediately stomped into the building, but just as I sprinted up to the second floor, I was suddenly hit with the realization that this would be the last time he would ever walk me home, that from now on, he would never appear in my life again. I felt as if my heart was being cut open and I bent over, so pained that I could barely breathe. I let go of all my dignity and rushed downstairs again.

He had already walked away. Underneath the streetlight, his silhouette became strangely thin and light.

“Zhang Jun!”

I merged all of my emotions, all of my feelings into that one heart wrenching cry. How I hoped that he would understand just how heartbroken I was at that moment, just how much I wished for me to turn around.

He continued walking as if he didn’t hear my cry but I knew he did, because his footsteps faltered a little.

I stared at him. He never once looked back.

It was only until his silhouette had already disappeared did I climb up the stairs distractedly. My parents were extremely angry and demanded to know where I was. I ran straight into my room and locked it.

They kept scolding me but it was as if everything was in a different dimension. My body was here, but my soul was nowhere to be found.

Slowly, the sounds dimmed. There was only me, sitting in the dark.

When I finally remembered to look at my watch, it was already three in the morning. 

I didn’t wash my face or brush my teeth and went straight to bed, but I was unable to fall asleep no matter what I did. Thinking that from tomorrow onwards, Zhang Jun would have no relationship with me made me feel as if I was being killed with a thousand knives. I felt nauseated, as if I was about to vomit, but as I ran to the bathroom, nothing came out and I could only crouch on the ground and dry cough.

An entire night passed without any sleep. At six thirty, the alarm rang as usual emotionlessly, reminding me that it was time to memorize English.

It was like I had finally found something I could hold onto in this falling world. I took out my English book, shut myself onto the balcony and shouted, screamed as I read English in a frenzy, but whether or not I was able to remember anything, I did not know.

When my mom woke up, she was originally planning to continue her scolding from last night, but seeing that I was already studying hard on the balcony, she said nothing.

She made an omelette and placed down some warm milk for breakfast, but I had no appetite. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked. “You have to eat breakfast otherwise you won’t have strength for the rest of the day.”

I didn’t want her to sense anything strange, so I picked up the bowl and forced myself to eat. 

As my sister ate, she was discussing with my mom how much pocket money she should get this month. My mind was blank, my ears ringing, completely unable to understand what they were speaking, but if they asked me any questions, I was able to answer as usual.

“Are you going out with your friend this afternoon?” My mom asked me. Normally, I would go out to see Zhang Jun on weekends.

Without any warning, my tears started falling, not even giving me any time to hide them. I immediately lowered my hand and raised the bowl to my face, pretending to be drinking milk but I was able to see clearly the ripples as my tears hit the smooth surface of the milk. 

Faintly, I heard a voice say calmly, “I’m not going out,” so far away, so unfamiliar from my own. 

For the entire day, I held onto a book and studied vigorously but from six thirty in the morning to ten at night, I was only able to get through one single page.

That night, as I laid on the bed, I told myself that everyone could live just fine in the world no matter who they were separated from. I might have been in pain now but a year later, I would completely forget it, and ten years later, when someone brought up the name ‘Zhang Jun’, I would have to wrack my brain to remember who he was.

Everything would pass, everything would pass!

Amidst my attempts at persuading myself, I was finally able to wait for dawn to arrive to go to school.

When Yang Jun saw me, he asked in surprise, “Were you studying through the night? Your face looks terrible.”

“Yeah, I was doing exercise questions until three in the morning.”

Shocked, Yang Jun immediately immersed himself in work.

I knew that not long would pass before the news of us breaking up would spread through the entire school. Many eyes would be on me. My dignity prohibited me from showing any signs of dispirit because of breaking up, so for the entire day, I forced myself to read and study even if my progress was slow enough to be nonexistent. 

After Zhang Jun broke up with me, his confidant* Huang Wei walked him home everyday.

(*original is something along the lines of a very pretty lady/someone who understands the guy but behind the screens, acts as a mistress of sorts)

I had always known that Huang Wei liked him, but Zhang Jun was dense, always believing that it was a pure friendship that they shared. I didn’t know what kind of relationship they had now, but it was true that they were always next to each other. Many students were saying that Huang Wei was now Zhang Jun’s new girlfriend.

My deepest fear came true: I became one of Zhang Jun’s exes. Everyone directed looks of sympathy and gloating towards me.

I put in great effort to pretend that I didn’t care. In class, I became unusually lively, constantly pranking and making fun of each other, laughing everyday just to make sure that everyone believed that I was happy.

Shen Yuanzhe would often walk me home after school, chat with me, and sometimes take me to school as well. With us being always so blatantly together, rumors regarding him and I soon spread like wildfire. Instead of trying to avoid these rumours, I started walking home and to school with Shen Yuanzhe even more often to make it appear even truer.

Lin Yiran took me to the library every weekend to study and Yang Jun helped me organize cheat sheets for past papers, and under the pretense of competing with me, he would also do homework together with me. Later, Shen Yuanzhe also joined our weekend study group.

I was very grateful. In such a difficult time, I still had my friends beside me. They didn’t ask any questions, but used every method of accompanying to do the most they could. 

The school had a boring and stale ‘study experience’ talk in the hall. I learnt from Chen Jin and completed a three-minute task in one minute. It was only now that I understood it wasn’t that Chen Jin didn’t want to tell the truth, it was that the teachers didn’t like people trying to tell everyone that it was pointless listening in class and doing the homework.

After the meeting ended, I hurriedly walked outside the hall, but as I arrived at the maths block, I was called over by the first in the grade of the second years who asked me a few questions regarding studying. I didn’t feel like it at all, but I was suddenly reminded of Chen Jin so I paused, patiently listened to his queries and gave him my most objective answers.

Gradually, more and more people gathered around me to form a little circle, and a junior even bought drinks for me. 

I was still patiently answering when I saw Zhang Jun and Huang Wei walk over, shoulder to shoulder. Perhaps it was because of how bright and harsh Huang Wei’s smile looked, I also smiled brightly and waved a casual hello at Zhang Jun. His face darkened and he glared at me before quickly walking away.

I kept up my cheery smile and happily answered the questions of my juniors. When I had finished, I continued smiling and walked into the math black. Tong Yunzhu, who was standing next to the window of the corridor, questioned me, her face cold, “Did you ever like Zhang Jun at all?”

I smiled and didn’t answer. I had always known that the opposite of love was not hate, but rather viewing him as a stranger, a normal acquaintance, and I had always been good at pretending.

I was unhappy and I was distressed, but I couldn’t let anyone know of those feelings.

I was very thankful that our souls were wrapped up in the bag we called a body so that we could keep our emotions to our hearts and our actions to our bodies and walk past every day.

I don’t have the courage to reminiscence back to those days. Every time I was reminded of anything, it was only of pain and distress. As for what I had actually done each day, I couldn’t remember. It was as if I had to take in a deep breath each day before going to school, and as if I wasn’t going to school, but rather to war.

In that state of dazed frenzy, we arrived at our finals.

When the results were released, I was surprisingly still the top in the grade. I couldn’t believe it myself. Lin Yiran, Yang Jun, and Shen Yuanzhe all knew that for the past two months, I had spent all my energy pretending to be happy but not much on studying. Nevertheless, studying was like driving a train. As long as it was still on track, it would naturally chug forwards.

Even though I didn’t know how I got the number one, I was still happy. My grades would prove to everyone that Luo Qiqi wasn’t hurt! Luo Qiqi didn’t care at all that Zhang Jun no longer liked her!

That was the best thing about being the ‘eagle’. Everyone would assume that you were the strong one, that feelings such as being hurt would not coexist with you.

Third grade students no longer had the right to go on winter holidays. The school announced that there would only be holidays during New Year and that class would continue as normal on all other times. After exams were over, we kept going to class.

During the winter holidays, I didn’t go check up on Ms Gao and only wrote a card to mail to her. I didn’t know how to face her or how to explain everything.

I started counting the days until the Gaokao. I wished that I could quickly finish my life here. It was like primary all over again. Once again, I could only think of running forwards; all those years had passed, yet I was still that person who was only capable of running away.

After New Years, the Gaokao entered countdown mode. A large number plate was raised at the back of the classroom and every day, the teacher would personally change the numbers, reminding everyone that we were one day closer to the seventh of July*. 

(*Chinese New Year in China)

Under the huge stress of the Gaokao, everyone was buried in their books, a sheen of grey on their faces. Hope was so close, but the pain of today was something they had to suffer through using their own bodies. 

I finally started accepting the fact that Zhang Jun and I had broken up. I started becoming silent, stopped loudly arguing with Yang Jun. and stopped randomly bursting into jokes. Nevertheless, in the face of the depressing Gaokao, everyone became silent and unhappy. My change was only part of the norm.

Days passed and it was as if Zhang Jun had completely vanished. I haven’t seen him in ages.

When we were in middle school, we used completely different stairs when going to classes but we still had many ‘chance encounters’, but even though we used the same stairs everyday now, I was unable to find him. Given a comparison, I was finally able to understand his thoughtfulness from the past and his heartlessness of now.

Late into the night, I would often wonder just how I managed to lose him. I knew that I had made many mistakes, but without waiting for ten years to pass, but I didn’t know just where I had gone wrong.

Was I supposed to not study? Was I supposed to focus everything on dating and give up on school? Was I not supposed to be an independent and strong girl? Was I not supposed to have self-love? Was I supposed to act depressed and pained to show his importance to me? Was I supposed to cry my lungs out, to cut my wrist to keep him with me?

I was unable to tell my pains to anyone so I confessed everything to my diary. On it was written a multitude of fantasies, that in a few years, we would be able to get together again. I fantasized about so many different ways of reunions and wrote them all in my diary.

I even used this fantasizing to encourage myself to study hard and change all my negative traits. I told myself that this was the only way for me to be able to become good enough to walk in front of him one day in the future, and make him like me once again.

In my hopes for the future, the days ahead of me stopped looking so despairing and I stopped feeling so depressed.

I studied easily. Compared to everyone else, buried in questions, it was as if I was from a different world, always going to sleep on time, never staying up late.

Everyone thought that I was very strange. I never listened during class, barely did my homework, but I was still able to sit firmly in number one. Even my sister was unable to understand. I told her the key to high school was the first two years- all the knowledge was taught in the first two years, and the third year was merely a systemizing process. If you were able to truly understand all the information from the first two years and carve them into your brain, the third year would prove to be simple. 

My sister was in the first grade of high school and what I had said was targeted specifically at her, but she was unable to take anything in.

Amidst this torment, June finally arrived.

After two mock trials, I was able to maintain my number one. Guan He was top twenty whilst Zhang Jun was able to keep at around top thirty.

After the last mock trial had finished, the school was on break for everyone but the third grade students. When the teachers finish going over the test paper, we would also be on holidays. As for the last remaining week, the school library and classroom were open to all third grade students to allow us to freely revise for the Gaokao.

That week, I flipped through a bit of English, but wasn’t bothered to touch anything else. Yang Jun couldn’t stand me, dragged me to the library and forced me to complete some of the questions that he circled out for me.

I walked into the exam area without any burdens and easily answered all the questions. The neighbouring aunty found me watching the TV in between two of my exams and she watched in shock as I ran towards the school with only forty minutes left until the next exam.

On the morning of the tenth, after the last exam, we were officially released.

The moment we walked out of the examination area, no matter how they had gone, everyone had the thankful look of a survivor.

An entire year of fighting through that sea of questions, waking up with the sun and sleeping with the stars. It had all finally finished!

That night, the school held a graduation celebration for us. As we were all struggling with the Gaokao before, it was impossible for us to arrange performances like we did in our primary and middle school graduations.

The head teacher, who was responsible for this event, chose to hold it outdoors. They hung tiny light bulbs on all the trees and setted up a large projector screen.

As twilight fell, the night wind started blowing by lightly and a thousand little bulbs lit up, turning the atmosphere into one of romance and melancholy.

The original plan was for the two music teachers of the high school division to MC the night, but the female teacher had something urgent come up and was unable to attend, so they had to choose from amongst the students. The head teacher was so stressed that he asked for help from Shen Yuanzhe, who recommended me. The male MC Mr Li came to invite me to partner up with him. I rejected without a single thought, but a moment later, I changed my mind. 

From primary, Zhang Jun and I were always in the same school. Tonight marked the last night we would ever be walking into the same school gates. All I hoped is that as long as he remembered this graduation ceremony, he would remember me.

My dreams had become so low that all I wished for was that he wouldn’t forget me.

The music teacher helped me pick out a white performance dress, emphasizing my slim waist. The skirt of the dress ended just above my knees, decorated with countless sequins and as I walked, it looked as if I was surrounded by stars. Together with a matching crystal hairband, I was the exact definition of the princess that every girl had wished to become at some stage in their life.

The music teacher wore a white shirt and black pants. As we walked towards the bright stage, all the teachers and students were already seated.

The old principal led the clapping, followed by the teachers until the entire area was filled with thunderous clapping, celebrating the end to this difficult third year.

With my most beautiful smile, I announced the start of tonight’s event.

“All the performances will come from you guys, and for anyone who wishes to perform, please go find Shen Yuanzhe; he’ll record down everyone’s requests. Mr Li and I will coordinate the performances. Tonight, even though our respected head teacher is also present, there’s no need to mind him. Whether or not these performances are full of positivity and school spirit also doesn’t matter tonight.”

Everyone started laughing. Mr Li cleared his throat. “Tonight’s first performance will be a solo piano performance by I, your amazing music teacher. Everyone please use this time to consider what you want to perform.” 

Mr Li sat next to the piano and started performing the passionate “Graduation Song”.

Students came in twos and threes to get the slips, considering what they should perform.

I sat next to Shen Yuanzhe, chatting with him in a low voice, but my eyes couldn’t help but search for Zhang Jun. Finally, I saw him. He wasn’t sitting with his class, but rather with Master Zhen and Master Jia, leaning on the fence of the flower garden, directly opposite of Shen Yuanzhe and I.

Mr Li had almost finished his performance of “Graduation Song” when students slowly trickled in to hand in their slips. However, there was no time to prepare props for them. Shen Yuanzhe asked me, “Should we ask Mr Li to play another piece?”

I smiled. “That would be too boring. Watch me.”

Holding the microphone, I walked towards the centre of the stage, an easy smile on my face. “If we hold a poll right now asking for everyone to vote for their most hated teacher, I wonder who everyone will pick? Each one of you has your own preferences, but there is one teacher that will definitely make it on board. Care to have a guess?”

Everyone was laughing, including the seated teacher, but since the event had barely started, the students had yet to break free from their constraints of being students, so they only laughed, not daring to actually say it out loud. I smiled and saluted to the head teacher. “Sir, congratulations. You got the highest votes.”

The crowd bursted into laughter. “As the most hated teacher,” I exclaimed, “I, on behalf of the class of this year, invite you to perform impromptu for us!”

The microphone was passed into the headteacher’s hands who kept clearing his throat but didn’t say what he wanted to perform.

I started shouting, “One, two, three, four, five, we’re waiting so hard; one two three four five six, we are waiting so distressed.”

I waved my hands, indicating for everyone to join me. This was the chant that we learnt the moment we entered high school and there was no one in the grade who didn’t know it. Since we were chanting on the always strict headteacher, everyone immediately joined in.

But as everyone started joining in the chant, I was a little distracted. Had three years really passed? It felt as if I was mocked by Ma Li just yesterday, as if I had just had a fight with Song Peng. Was that really from a thousand days back?

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, we’re waiting so stressed; one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, teacher, teacher, you are late!”

The combined shouting of more than five hundred people could be quite scary and the head teacher said hurriedly, “Yes, yes I got one. I’ll sing for everyone “Guo Huo” by Jeff Chang.”

“Wow!” I cried and made a face of disbelief at the audience, expressing that the choice seriously exceeded our expectations. Everyone laughed.

Did I promise you too much,
Or was it never enough?
You always have a thousand excuses,
I always followed your feelings,
Crazy, letting you indulge,
I thought that, one day you would be moved
Rumours, as I pretend I am deaf,
Until all the dreams are broken.

The head teacher walked as he sang, shocking the entire audience because his voice was almost made out of the same mould as Jeff Chang’s.

I was not surprised. The head teacher was actually quite good friends with Shen Yuanzhe, and I had once heard Shen Yuanzhe mention that he was really good at singing Jeff Chang’s songs, otherwise even I wouldn’t dare to use him to warm up the atmosphere.

Hidden in the dark, I looked across to Zhang Jun without any worry. He still sat there, his figure slightly blurred, but his face, no matter how hard I tried, was indecipherable.

Did he see me?

I knew that he couldn’t care less about me now, but that was fine. I would walk onto the brightest stage so that you would see me whether you liked it or not.

Every time I went up, I hid deep thoughts behind my casualness and used everything I could to create one brilliant show after another, not for the students but for that one person hidden in the corner.

I showed off brilliance to everyone, showed greatness, just for him to look at me once. I showed the entire audience wonders, only for him to look at me once, only for him to remember me.

Could he understand my motives?

I didn’t need him to understand. I only wished that he would remember my brightness tonight. I knew that I was beautiful that night because I had used all of my intelligence, all of my love towards him, to shape tonight’s beauty. I condensed all of my youth and vigor into that one night, as a flower blooming only for him.

Guan He came to register her performance and I joked, “Is the beauty finally returning?” 

For three years, Guan He truly hadn’t participated in any performance-related events. Almost none of the people in her class knew that she was amazing at the erhu and had such an angelic voice.

She simply smiled and nodded at me, her face calm as if towards the most ordinary classmate. “My performance is ‘Everyday In My Life’.” she told Shen Yuanzhe.

I made sure I was the one announcing Guan He’s performance.

The surrounding lights twinkled and the students’ faces blurred. As I walked towards the centre of the stage, I was suddenly reminded of the Literary Performance in the third grade of middle school when Guan He had invited me to perform with her. We were so close back then. I didn’t know what had happened to make us become merely strangers to each other now.

“In everyone’s life, there will be someone who will leave behind heavy marks. There was also one such person in my life. Her appearance had once made me feel as if it was the biggest disaster in my life. I’ve been jealous of her, envied her, but it was in this constant state of envy that I kept chasing after her, hoping that I could become a little better, just a little better. I used to feel that this endless chase was excruciating, but now I understand. I would not be able to stand here without her. It was because she had appeared that I was able to become who I am today. I want to thank her. ‘Everyday In My Life’, performed by Guan He!”

Guan He walked out from the shadows onto the bright stagem and I walked down from the stage, into the darkness. At the place where light met dark, we walked past each other. I looked at her but she was facing the audience, a smile on her face.

I didn’t know whether she had understood what I had wished to say, but that wasn’t important. The important part was that I was finally able to let go of that burden. I no longer envied others, I had started to like myself.

Guan He bowed to the audience and smiled. “In the six years I spent in First High, I have laughed, I have cried; I have felt pride but also shame; I’ve made mistakes and fixed them. Maybe I’m not as outstanding as my parents wished for me to be but I have tried my best and I have no regrets. I’m giving up this song for all the teachers and fellow students who have given me help and love in the times I needed them the most. Thank you.”

Watching time fly by like light, I pray for tomorrow,
That every little dream can slowly come true,
I am so ordinary but so very lucky,
For every day of my life, I want to say thank you

Watching time fly by like light, I look back unto,
When I lived days as years, used to being a rashful youth,
I am so ordinary but so very lucky,
For every day of my life, I want to say thank you

As the party slowly approached its end, the atmosphere became more and more somber. Many girls were crying in silence as they were singing.

Time was almost up. It was time for our farewell.

Mr Li quietly told me a few words and asked me to announce the last performance.

“Our last performance is a choir performance. “Farewell”, performed by the entire staff body.”

All the teachers walked to the centre of the stage and lined up.

Mr Li started playing “Farewell” by the monk Hong Yi.

Outside the pavilions, next to the beaten paths, the green grass reached up to the sky. 
The night wind lifted up the willows, the sounds of flute remaining, the sun setting beyond the mountains. 
The edge of sky, the corner of sea, the friends of the past half lost. 
A flask of wine for the rest of our happiness, let our dreams not be cold tonight.

The amiable principal, the physics teacher with the white hair, the young politics teacher, the English teacher who used to blush so much, the always messy maths teacher, the biology teacher who always went off topic, the strict and stern head teacher…

My eyes became moist. I believed that in that moment, everyone’s eyes were stinging. 

Three years, the most brilliant three years of youth! Our first grade, when we trained in cadets without a worry, singing songs with sweat dripping down out backs; our second grade, the stress and pain as we were separated into science and literature, accelerated and non-accelerated classes; our third grade, the never ending sea of questions when we slept at three and woke up at five.

We’ve marched together, progressed together, truanted together, ranted together, played together, studied together…

Whether we loved it or hated it, these three years of high school had left behind a mark on our lives that could never be erased.

Amidst the singing, the principal said farewell to everyone. “Graduation is an endpoint, but it’s also a beginning. The battles of third grade had finished but the battles of life had barely just begun. On behalf of all the teachers, I give unto you my farewell words, ‘The heavens work strongly and you should work like the heavens, never stopping, always trying your best; the earth is gentle and you should behave like the earth, generous to all, strengthening your virtues’!”

The teachers left one by one and I followed the orders of Mr Li and announced, “Next is the prom time that the school has given everyone. The principal has promised that as long as there are people willing to dance, music will sound for them.”

At first, people were looking at each other, embarrassed, but soon some courageous boys led their girlfriends onto the dance floor, revealing many underground relationships and cheers bursted out from the others.

Many people didn’t know how to dance and those who knew taught those who didn’t. The colourful dance floor was filled with elegant and clumsy figures.

Yang Jun sat on the table next to me and gazed dumbly at Tong Yunzhu who was dancing.

“If you want, then go ask her for a dance.” I said.

Yang Jun looked downcast. “I don’t know how to dance.”

I walked over and patted Tong Yunzhu on her shoulder. “Can you go invite Yang Jun for a dance?”

Tong Yunzhu was surprised but she answered immediately, “Sure.”

She walked over to invite Yang Jun who twitched a little. “I don’t know how to dance.”

Tong Yunzhu smiled. “And that is why you need someone who knows how to dance as the partner for your first.” She extended her hand towards him. I pushed Yang Jun a little and he held her hand, his face red.

Amidst the waltz, people started walking away in pairs or threes.

I hid myself in the darkness, looking around for Zhang Jun, but I wasn’t able to find him. Was this how he chose to say our goodbye?

Brilliant lights lit up the stage as if the stars had gathered here, but they were glittering for a parting.

Amidst the soft and melancholy music, I walked towards the school gates.

Goodbye, First High!

Goodbye, my youth!

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Luci: I’ve read this three times and the ending to this chapter never failed to make me sad ;-;
Vera: Ahaha, reading through this and seeing all of Luci’s little comments (“SMH SHEN YUANZHE DESERVES BETTER”) made my day. Or evening I suppose. Sorry for the late update, we dropped a little behind again- I’ll be going through our docs a day before it’s due and finishing off everything so it won’t happen from now on hopefully~

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