V3C17: Golden State Rank

After the exams came the lonely days of boredom.

As I was making tea and preparing to read English, I suddenly realised that there was no need. When three years later this habit of mine was no longer needed, rather than feeling relieved, I felt a little disappointed.

I signed up to a summer art class, and this time, I was learning for myself. It was because of its colors that the world became beautiful and I wished I could have a pair of eyes better at capturing them.

A few days before the official release of our ranks, I received a phone call from the admission teacher of Peking University congratulating me on my score and inviting me to join. I finished talking with him in a daze, and it was only when I hung up that I realized I forgot to ask him just how well I had done.

My parents started getting excited. After all, it was the admission teacher himself personally calling me. That alone would prove my grades.

I called the class teacher who replied half happy, half sorry, “You’re first in First High and fifth in the state. The difference between you and the state rank one was less than ten marks.”

My parents started excitedly chattering to each other, emphasizing that we need to keep ourselves on the low and not tell everyone before they put out the board.

The next day, the admission teacher of Tsinghua also called, inviting me to go to Tsinghua. When he heard that a teacher from Peking had already contacted me, he enthusiastically presented to me the postgraduate policies in Tsinghua, emphasizing that Peking didn’t have those advantages.

The call from Tsinghua had barely ended when Peking called again.

My parents were overjoyed and saw whether I should go to Peking or Tsinghua as a dilemma. They had long discussions over it and even called my second uncle who was the vice principal in a key university to see which university was better.

I thought that their mentality was a little like they were marrying out their daughter, with Tsinghua and Peking the two suitable suitors, but this feeling of stress was accompanied with happiness.

On the day, Guan He’s mother called mine to ask to see them together. My mom wanted to go even though she already knew my results, and I didn’t want to stop her because she deserved it after all those years of raising me, but I told her to be careful when talking with Guan He’s mom.

Since our mothers had somehow become best friends, Guan He and I also went to see the results together naturally.

When we had arrived, the school gates were already surrounded by people. My mom dragged Guan He’s mom happily into the crowd.

Guan He and I sat on near the flower bed, gazing at the crowd of people, sometimes exchanging a few words.

The rankings weren’t released yet, but the news that I was fifth in the state had already leaked out. Many people came to verify the news and congratulate me.

Guan He kept up a smile as she talked to everyone but I knew that her mind was strained to the utmost.

I sighed. The most fearsome hour was the waiting right in front of the reveal.

Finally, the gates of the school opened and the teachers came to stick up the rankings. 

The scene in front of the school gates immediately became messy as all the parents started rushing forwards. The students, however, stood outside with complicated emotions. They wanted to know the results, but also feared them- but whether they wanted to know, everyone received their results one after another.

There were some that cried till they lost their voice, their parents crying with them, and there were others that couldn’t help but smile.

I sat in the depth of the flower bed, keeping myself away from the situation but also understanding their feelings. Three years of high school; it wasn’t just the struggles of students but also the countless efforts of their parents.

Guan He suddenly squeezed out from the crowd, a bright smile upon her face. I heaved a sigh of relief; her results must have been pretty good.

“How did you go?”

Guan He said joyfully, “Eleventh in the grade.”

My heart had barely gone back to its original place when I saw Lin Yiran and her mom walking out of the crowd, their faces dark, and my heart dropped again.

I walked over, not daring to ask.

“One hundred and thirty six.” There were already tears in her eyes but she still tried her best to smile.

Ever since first grade of high school, whether it was a big test or a small quiz, Lin Yiran had never flunked. I had been worried about Yang Jun, been worried for Guan He, but I had never been worried for her.

I didn’t know how to comfort her. This intelligent girl who had never dropped from the top twenty from second grade, and stayed in the top five for third grade, was not even able to get above one hundred in ranking. For three years, more than a thousand days, I had sat behind her and witnessed her hard work and diligence. Three years of struggles, reduced to smithereens in an instant.

The Gaokao was indeed really cruel, not only due to its fierce competition, but also its cruelty in only looking at the final result. Unlike overseas where universities would look at the overall grades, in China, no matter how glorious your past grades were, if you were unable to succeed in this one moment, everything would be negated.

I felt extremely dejected, and Lin Yiran comforted me instead. “It’s fine, it’s still above the undergraduate key score so I can still apply for a key university.”

(The universities are separated into categories and key universities are one of the top categories. Must’ve been a good school)

Lin Yiran’s mom looked extremely distressed and didn’t say anything. Lin Yiran hurriedly said a few words with me before taking her mom and leaving.

I sat in the corner of the flower bed and gazed at the distant blue sky. 

In this world, there were always things that couldn’t be solved with logic, and things that were in no way fair.

Yang Jun meanwhile jumped up and down in the crowd, elated, yelling in all directions, “Have you seen Luo Qiqi? Do you know where she is? Who’s seen her?”

Guan He stopped him, and after having a few words with him, his face dropped and he asked me quietly, “How did Lin Yiran fail the exam? Her fortitude is better than yours, and so is her concentration, even though we were always so noisy she could always turn a deaf ear.”

No one could know the answer. So was the Gaokao a cruel, bitter game.

“How did you go? Have you thought about what university you’ll apply for?”

“Seventh in the grade, I’ve decided to go to Fudan. What about you? Have you decided between Tsinghua and Peking?”

(Fudan: a pretty good university in Shanghai)

“Tsinghua.”

“Then I’ll come find you if I ever go to Beijing in the future!”

“Don’t harass me, go find someone else,” I laughed.

Yang Jun rolled his eyes. “How cruel.” He sat there silently for a while and suddenly sighed. “I hope that Tong Yunzhu can apply for a university in Shanghai.”

“How did she go?”

“Much better than expected. She was able to get above the undergraduate key score. Zhang Jun also did pretty well, I think it was either top twenty or top thirty- I’m not sure, there were too many people for me to see properly. Still, there’s no point for you to care about him anymore. There’ll be so many handsome young men in Tsinghua, so forget about your past and go forward bravely!”

He was so good at reprimanding me but couldn’t do anything about himself. 

“What about Shen Yuanzhe?”

“Isn’t that him right there? Should I go ask him for you?”

“Please.”

Yang Jun got up and vanished like a monkey. Soon, he walked back with Shen Yuanzhe and his sister following him.

Shen Yuansi waved at me. “Why are you hiding here? There are so many parents over there talking about you, wanting to see what you look like.”

I poked my tongue out. “Imagination is always better than reality.” 

The sibling’s expressions were both very normal so I guessed that Shen Yuanzhe probably did as expected. Yang Jun soon confirmed my guess with his loud mouth.

Shen Yuansi had already graduated and was allocated to a design institute in this city to work. It was a very good workplace. She told me without any queries that Lin Lan was now working at the station as well and was faring quite well.

After a period of chatter, Shen Yuanzhe and his sister left, Yang Jun also skipping away. They still had many things left to do; confirming their future university, confirming their courses, applying for universities. I, on the other hand, had nothing to worry about anymore.

After lunch, the people gathering at the school gates slowly dispersed. My mom and Guan He’s mom had also vanished; they probably had gone back home, satisfied.

I shrinked into the depth of the flowerbed and sat, dazed, hugging my knees.

Guan He went for a walk somewhere and at around six in the afternoon, she came back again and sat next to me, grinning.

“Why are you still hiding here? Are you mourning the fact that you weren’t able to get state ranking one?”

I laughed bitterly. “I’m just thinking about some stuff from before, and waiting for a friend.”

“Zhang Jun?”

I didn’t say anything. Guan He stopped talking immediately.

The sun was already on the horizon. The school gate was now basically empty apart from a few people who came here to avoid the crowd.

“Aren’t you hungry? Do you want to go home?” Guan He asked me.

“You go back first. I want to sit here for a bit more.”

Guan He shook her head. “I’m still too excited to go home. I’ll wait with you.”

I didn’t say anything and kept my eyes on the school gates.

The afterglow of the setting sun reflected on the solemn, arched school gate, the trees on either side lit a gold-red as scattered people stood in front of them to stare at the ranking chart. People came and people went, but never once was there someone there waiting for me.

I sat there for the entire day without even eating lunch but Xiao Bo never appeared.

When I was a freshman in high school, I had fantasized about this moment countless times. I imagined that I would do well in the college entrance exams and Xiao Bo would be stunned. I wanted to see his surprised expression. I wanted to walk in front of him triumphantly. I want two people to laugh, and from then on, be with each other day and night, and through countless times in the past when I was depressed, this was the driving force for me to move forward.

That was my belief; that if you studied hard, everyone would be together forever, but now I understood that when I chose to study hard, I had already embarked on a road that would never overlap with his, just like he had known it three years before.

Three years ago, I had waited expectantly for his Gaokao score. Three years later, was he not curious for mine?

I was so sure that he would come to see my results. This was our success!

But an entire day of waiting faltered my faith. It had been three years, I changed, and so did he. He had found his own glory and I was just part of his memories.

The light from the setting sun slowly dispersed, the sky turning dark. The lights at the gate of the school lit up. There was no one at the school gates anymore.

“Do you want to go home? The sky’s already dark. He probably already knows his grades and wouldn’t come see the rankings anymore.”

I smiled. “Just a bit more.”

I walked to the red ranking list and looked up.

A big red board, filled with endless names, and at the very top, the name ‘Luo Qiqi’ written with shiny golden dust.

I smiled, satisfied. Very good, he would be able to see my glory with a simple glance. This was the result of my struggles for three years, this is what I wanted Xiao Bo to see, and he was the only one I wished to share this glory with, but, just where was he? Where did the person who deserved to see my glory the most go?

I silently gazed at my name. A few minutes later, my eyes slid down and stopped on another name.

Zhang Jun.

I stood in front of the red ranks for a long time and it was only when the sky had completely darkened that I said to Guan He, “Let’s go.”

We talked about everyone’s grades as we walked. I spoke normally but in my head, there was only the repeated, “Xiao Bo didn’t come to see the rankings. He forgot. He’s completely forgotten,” playing.

Before I had noticed, tears were already rolling down my cheeks. I really wanted to hold them back because Guan He was right next to me, but they kept falling like the rain. Guan He thought that I was crying because of Zhang Jun and felt extremely awkward, pretending not to have not noticed, keeping her eyes away from me.

I wiped at them fiercely but the tears kept flowing. I gave up on holding them back and allowed them to go freely. It was just a temporary separation, it was fine, I would wait for him at the exit of this maze called time and believe firmly that he would also be standing there. After all, he was my Xiao Bo, how could he not wait for me?

Three years later, I had finally arrived at the end of this maze, only to see that our exits were not the same, and that looking behind, none of us were able to see the way back.

I knew all along that we had entered different paths a long time ago, that the longer we walked, the further we would be. Whether or not he came to see the rankings, this was something that couldn’t be changed, but I couldn’t accept it. How could he forget? I wouldn’t accept this! I just wanted, selfishly, for him to never forget me!

But he forgot!

It was at this moment did I truly understand that I had lost him forever- that person whom I thought would walk next to me to see this world no matter how dark it appeared.

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