I chose Qinghua’s management course in the end and my father helped me fill out the application form. Admission wasn’t a question.
Guan He went to Hangzhou, where her dad came from. She and her mom were probably both very satisfied, the instant the admission letter came, they left.
The day after she left, I received a letter from her. Judging from the stamps, she had probably sent it out yesterday. When my father passed the letter on to me, he chuckled, “What kids! What can’t you say to each other? Didn’t you go to her house to say goodbye just yesterday?”
My dad was wrong. It was because we were no longer kids that we started acting fake and putting on a facade in front of each other.
For some reason, I didn’t really want to read this letter because it meant that there was something she couldn’t say to me in person, but in the end, I still opened it.
Qiqi,
By the time you’ve received this letter, I’ll have been long gone, and I know that I’ll never come back.
I remember in the first semester of third grade, when I had gotten my worst grades, my mother yelled at me, saying that I was a failure, that I disappointed her and dad and that if she had known how much of a failure I was, there was no point in sacrificing so much for me. I had felt so distressed that I wanted to kill myself, yet you ran along and told me that you were always jealous of me. I didn’t believe you at all, because it was always me who was envious of you.
Do you feel shocked? That was how I had felt!
You gave me a surprise, so I’ll return one- now we’re even!
Ever since I was young, my mom told me that I needed to try hard and become an outstanding child because she had sacrificed so much for me, and that everything she had done was for me. Under her strict pushing, I had always tried to reach her expectations.
Even though we were in the same class in primary, you were always so quiet. My only impression of you was that you were Ms Gao’s favourite student and that you were really good at maths. In middle school, I was surprised to see you win debates and public speaking competitions one after another, it was really difficult to relate the outspoken you to that quiet primary school friend. When I heard that you had a bunch of friends from the underworld, I also felt a tiny bit of envy because of my curiosity for this world which I had never been able to explore.
In third grade of middle school, we got separated into the same class. To be honest, I was both happy and despondent. To think that you were first yet I was second, I couldn’t deal with it and deliberately approached you, after all, didn’t they say ‘to defeat someone you must first understand them’? I was a faithful believer of that saying. And then, under my hidden pushes and prods, you finally accepted me as one of your friends. You lived your life freely, not caring at all whether or not the people around you liked you. You appeared cold and difficult to approach but were actually very true to your feelings, and for the first time, I lowered my pride and started to appreciate another girl.
Your rank as first was short lived and your grades ever since were always worse than me but I never thought that I was better because I knew that you never truly participated in this competition. It was always a single-sided battle. Back then, I really did admire you, and I really did like you. If only the future never happened, and my memories had forever stayed at those most beautiful moments.
After high school, I felt that you had changed. Studying no longer became pointless to you, and even though we weren’t in the same class, I still treated you as my enemy in every test.
You climbed up steadily until you reached the top.
Seeing someone who was once not as good as me slowly surpass me, and to see that distance which I knew I could never catch up, I went from refusing to admit to being forced to admit that I was indeed not as good as you. It was a painful process. In this process, the weight of our friendship became lighter and lighter to me whilst the weight of our rivalry became heavier. I started to become jealous. Jealous that you were better than me at studying, jealous that Zhang Jun liked you, jealous that you couldn’t care less, jealous that everyone watched you, that all the teachers were so nice to you, that even the primary school classmates, who had once liked me, would now only talk about you and ignore me.
Jealousy made me do many shameful things. At first, it was little moves like deliberately making you sing after me at Zhang Jun’s birthday party, because I knew that you couldn’t sing as well as me, but Zhang Jun made what was supposed to be awkward into something romantic. It turned out that you were now the spotlight of everyone’s attention, no-one cared about Guan He. My jealousy made me walk further and further down this path, and I started changing my target onto Zhang Jun.
I wasn’t the only one feeling pressured by how amazing you were, Zhang Jun was as well. You worshipped and believed in him so much that you ignored that he too would feel weak and uncertain in himself.
I talked to him about the pressures of studying, the frustration of failing, and he would comfort me because he felt the same. I even told him about my father, throwing down the weight of sympathy onto his scale and arousing his sense of protectiveness.
I also told him about what you said to me, that you didn’t believe in love, that you thought love was merely an illusion. I told him that your priority was studying, that you would never let anyone influence your grades.
Consciously and subconsciously, I played the role of the destroyer, but back then, I refused to admit it. I told myself that I was only looking out for Zhang Jun, that I had only told him the truth, but now, I don’t want to argue for myself anymore. I did try to destroy your relationship through these underhanded methods.
In the end, in the face of his persistence and your honesty, I retreated. My pride made me feel disgusted to become someone like Huang Wei but under my splendid clothing, I was even worse than her. I didn’t even like Zhang Jun, I just wanted you to taste what it felt like to fail because I disliked you!
I had already lost the instant I started caring about success and failure, but I was so lost in that maze. When you told me that you had always been envious of me, not only because of my grades but also because of how I treated others, I suddenly realized how stupid my actions were. How could I become a failure of a person just because of my failing grades? My father was probably rolling in his grave right now.
I started to distance myself from you, and even more from Zhang Jun. I also began to retaliate when my mom yelled at me for failing, and told her that I was on the brink of suicide because of her. In the last days of third grade, I felt at peace, I didn’t even go see the rankings, I just asked myself, did I try my hardest everyday? If I did, then I would sleep soundly.
Zhang Jun broke up with you in the end. You both refused to talk about it so I don’t know the reason and I don’t know just what role I played in the process. I am truly sorry!
I don’t want to beg for your forgiveness and ask for us to continue being friends, I know that it would be impossible, and what’s done was done. Rather than forgiving, we might as well forget- so now let’s become strangers, take care of ourselves, and try our hardest!
Even though you won’t need my blessings, I still wish for you the most spectacular life!
Guan He.
I read the letter three times over, flipping it again and again, and could only feel forlorn, not a flicker of anger rising up in me. She didn’t need to ask for my forgiveness, after all, none of us were angels. She knew I was envious of her, but she didn’t realize the extent of my jealousy either.
I couldn’t help but wonder if Guan He wasn’t there, would Zhang Jun and I have still broken up? I could come to no answers because if there was never Guan He, then I would never have become me, and we would probably have never gotten together.
My parents got their annual holiday and decided to take my sister and I to where my mother came from to see our grandfather’s grave and thank him for my successful graduation. Afterwards, we would go to Beijing together, both to send me to school, and for tourism purposes.
They gathered up my sister and I for a family meeting, myself confused. The biggest thing of late was that I would be going to university soon, but what was there to talk about for that?
My father began, “These past two years, your mother and I have been trying to move ourselves back to Xi’an. A while back, I received a call from an old friend, so my job is basically settled. It’s a very good company and my position is also pretty good. There are still a few problems with your mom’s work, but I’ve discussed with your mom and we’ve decided that I’ll move back first, just in case we miss out on such a good opportunity, and after I’m there, I’ll hit up a few connections to open up more opportunities for your mom.”
My sister and I stared at each other. There was so much information with so little time and neither of us were prepared.
My mother continued, “We didn’t tell you two because we were scared that if things didn’t work out well, it would disturb your studies. Qiqi will be going to Beijing to study so this won’t affect her that much, so our main concern right now is how it’ll affect Ai-Ai’s studies. After some talk, we’ve decided that your dad will go first, so I’ll stay here with Ai-Ai and go to Xi’an after she’s done her Gaokao. Still, Xi’an is quite a big city with many good universities, so it would be a good opportunity for Ai-Ai if she could finish high school there. What do you think, Ai-Ai? Do you want to stay here or transfer to Xi’an?”
My sister appeared reluctant.
“Qiqi has always been independent as a child, and she’s also very bright- we don’t want to restrain her so we’re letting her explore the world by herself. Ai-Ai on the other hand has always been the lazy child, not very bright, and you’re used to relying on us, so we think that you should go to university in Xi’an because it would be easier for us to take care of you,” she continued.
My parents and my sister discussed furiously whether it was better to stay here or to go to Xi’an.
I smiled. So this was the result of being smart, and independent, and strong. No one would think that there would be a need to ask about your feelings, no one would think about looking out for you because you were smart, you were independent, you were strong. Yi Shu had said that when a man loved a woman, he would think of her as a bit stupid and wretched; when he didn’t love a women, he would think her as smart and tough, not needing their care at all. This didn’t just apply to the relationship between a man and woman; it could be used in all relationships involving love.
I started packing up my things.
The people I wanted to forget about the most were Zhang Jun and Xiao Bo. I urgently wanted to lose everything I knew about them, they had already left so there was no point for me to stare at their silhouettes. But it wasn’t that easy, I was unable to just throw away everything that was related to them.
I gathered up everything from Zhang Jun, the gifts he gave to me, the graduation photo from primary, and packed them all into a leather envelope before putting it into a cardboard box. I took everything related to Xiao Bo, the pinecone from the Great Wall, the rocks from Lao Shan, the map that was hanging on the wall, the lotus flowers we drew together and the Xiao Hu Dui CDs that he gave me and chucked them all into the box as well, as well as what Xiao Fei gave me, the letter Guan He wrote to me, the graduation message book…
Everything, everything that I wanted to forget, I sealed into the box, as if that way I would be able to push all the unhappiness beneath the flow of time, and it would stop hurting.
I gave the box to my sister. “Can you keep this safe for me? If we move in the future and I’m not home, you’ll be responsible for moving this to Xi’an.”
Seeing that the box was completely sealed with calendar paper and tape with signed paper slips underneath, she was extremely unwilling. “Hmph! If you don’t trust me, then why would you give it to me?”
“You always like listening to my calls and reading my stuff. I’m giving you this but I don’t want you to look. Can you promise? Can I trust you this one time?”
My sister hesitated and said, “Fine, who cares about your books. But, as compensation for looking after your stuff, you need to give me pocket money after you start working.”
“No problem.”
With the promise of money, my sister placed the box carefully underneath her bed.
I looked around the house. Was there anything I wanted to take?
On the bookshelf stood silently the ‘Heavenly Sword and Dragon Slaying Sabre’ handwritten by my grandfather. I took them out and carefully wrapped them in a plastic bag. This was my first and most precious memory, I would take them and walk towards the unknown future. No matter what hardships I would be faced with, as long as I saw them, I would remember that I was once also deeply loved by someone.
I told everyone that I was tired and went to bed early. It was a very fitful sleep with many scattered dreams. I woke up at around six amidst the sloshing rain.
I grabbed a jacket and walked out without an umbrella, strolling in the light shower.
By the flowing river, I gazed at its current for a moment before I crossed the bridge, walked past the small forest, and arrived near Zhang Jun’s place.
I didn’t dare to go near and watched from afar.
The morning glories in front of his place were blooming, a splendid masterpiece of white, pink and purple.
Both intentionally and unintentionally, I hadn’t heard from him for a long time. I didn’t ask for information on which university he was going to, which city or which degree. Anything too specific meant yearning, but if I had nothing, there would be nowhere that attachment could spawn, and maybe it could slowly fade away and vanish.
The curtain was drawn up tightly at his window. I couldn’t tell if there was anyone in there.
Maybe he was still in that room, maybe he had already left.
The rain was light but after a while, my hair and jacket both became wet and my glasses were filmed with a layer of mist. I wasn’t able to see anything clearly so I took them off.
Slowly walking back, I stopped as I walked past the bridge.
I picked up many rocks from the ground and threw them one by one into the water
Just as I raised my hand to throw the last rock, I saw a boy wearing a black sports vest jog along the pathway. My hand stopped in the air.
Even though I wasn’t wearing my glasses, I would never mistake his figure.
He also saw me and slowly stopped his footsteps.
I knew that this was probably the last time we would ever meet, so I didn’t avert my gaze but rather stared right at him.
He walked through the drizzle towards me and stopped at a distance where we could both see each other, but not very clearly.
His hair was wet, small droplets of water clinging onto the tips of his hair, bringing about a layer of pearly light.
I was suddenly reminded of that boy who tilted the black umbrella towards me as far as he could. I remained perfectly dry, but his hair was drenched with water.
Sorrow hit me like the drizzling rain; it appeared to be nonexistent, but it was overwhelming and omnipresent.
I threw the rock in my hand as hard as I could, turned, and left.
Call after me, please call after me. One light call of my name from you and I’ll turn back immediately and run towards you.
But nothing.
Following the path we took after tutoring in elementary, I went to Fourth Primary School.
The plaque in front of the school gates was exactly the same as before, white background with black, bolded words.
Across the bars of the school gate, I gazed inside- colourful flower beds, white buildings, big mirrors with blue curtains, everything was exactly the same. It was almost as if the captain with three red lines on his arm was standing right there at the school gates, sternly checking if there was anyone not wearing a red tie, and then the tiny me, carrying my backpack, my head lowered behind everyone else, fearing any kind of attention.
I was so big already.
I walked down the street in front of the school gates. This place used to be very lively; there was a vegetable market on the right and shops lined on the left. The market was dismantled when I was in second year of high school and it was changed to an open plaza, the shop numbers dwindling as well.
When I saw the half taken down arcades, I felt both surprised and calm.
There was once a concrete ground in front of the arcade; Xiao Bo and Wu Zei filled it up themselves, but it was now filled with broken and shattered bricks and it was impossible to make out its original appearance.
I suddenly remembered about that one grape plant and ran between the broken and dislodged walls, bent down and looked everywhere underneath the bricks, but all I saw was a row of abandoned, wilted vines and bamboo sticks. The main root of the grapes was nowhere to be found.
I crouched on the ground, stared at my hands full of dirt and suddenly laughed. Xiao Bo took the grapes! Maybe it wasn’t for me but for Wu Zei, but they were still my grapes.
I laughed, but I felt tears threatening to fall out. The playful fights underneath the grapevines were as clear as yesterday, but in front of me, there were only broken bricks and dirt.
I crouched amongst the bricks. It was only when the workers arrived for their job and stared at me in shock that I realized that it was already past nine.
I stood up and hurriedly rushed home. When my mom saw me, her stressed expression became relieved and she complained, “Where did you go this early? We have a train to catch.”
I didn’t say anything and went to wash my hands immediately.
The water poured down, forming a spiral at the drain. The brown, muddy water spun around with the scent of the past, but it was washed away by clean, new water, gradually disappearing.
Fleeting years, is that what it meant? That the new would flow in and the old would flow out, out of reach and out of grasp?
Vera & Luci Translations 