Extra: Two People (Xu Xiaobo)

Xu Xiabo’s friends all liked him. He didn’t talk much but he kept his promises, was generous, and covered for all his friends.

All of them had wealth but weren’t wealthy, so in other words, they could have afforded the thirty thousand USD BMW Brilliance, but buying the one hundred and fifty thousand or so BMW X5 would be difficult to say the least. However, since they weren’t in a high-consumption city like Beijing or Shanghai, between drinking and gambling and all other worldly things, they pulled nothing back.

Xu Xiaobo however was a little different from them. He didn’t keep women, he didn’t gamble, he didn’t do drugs, didn’t keep wine… Well, he did have hobbies. He loved reading, and it was said that his home was filled with shelves after shelves of books, but this hobby didn’t cost any money, and it sure was a weird hobby. Even university professors were busy trying to make money nowadays, who had time to read? Especially someone like him who hadn’t even graduated from high school.

It was often when they had arrived at the climax of their night and the women around them were relaxed that Xu Xiaobo would get up and leave.

At first, no one could understand him. Many couldn’t stand him but after a while, after understanding Xiao Bo’s character, they would start to think that he was a nice person and try to introduce their cousins to him, but Xiao Bo would always smile and refuse.

Everyone was baffled. Just what type of woman did Xu Xiaobo want?

Xu Xiaobo also asked himself this question. Just what kind of woman did he want to spend the rest of his life with?

It wasn’t difficult if it was just finding a virtuous woman to create a family with, like Li-ge, but he held higher expectations deep in his heart.

Under Li-ge, he had been in a few relationships, all of which were quite pleasant,but he always felt that there was something missing.

Li-ge asked him, “What was missing?”

Xiao Bo couldn’t answer.

Li-ge shook his head and sighed. “Did you unconsciously compare them with Qiqi? You’ve known Qiqi since you were kids and your personalities weren’t set back then so you two influenced each other as you grew up, giving the two of you a greater understanding of each other. If that was what you wanted, then it’s definitely going to be missing.”

Xiao Bo was a little annoyed and didn’t try hiding it. “What are you saying? Not only has Qiqi already been gone for such a long time, but even when she was here, I’ve always only seen her as a little sister.”

Li-ge said nothing.

Was Qiqi even ten when she first met Xiao Bo? That was the time when girls would start developing their own personalities, and Qiqi had always been so trusting and reliant towards Xiao Bo, so everything about her was practically influenced by Xiao Bo until she had become exactly whom he had wanted to become. Even their final separation had only forced her to grow. To exaggerate, Xiao Bo raised and grew that girl to his own desires, it was merely that he had never realized.

In the end, Qiqi became the person that Xiao Bo wanted her to become- self-loving, motivated, intelligent and confident, reasonable and honest, strong and gentle. Underneath all of those beautiful traits, she hid her stubbornness and extreme mindset, and maybe even self-hate and ruthlessness, the exact things that Xiao Bo had hidden in his own heart.

Li-ge stood up and patted Xiao Bo on the shoulder. “Your sister-in-law is bringing our son to her family tonight, so I’ll regain my single status. Let’s go get Wu Zei and play pool.”

(Basically Li-Ge’s wife is taking their son back to her original family for some gathering)

Xiao Bo was just about to call him when the phone rang.

“Li-ge and I were just talking about you. We were saying that we should go pooling tonight. Do you want to take sick leave with the Enchantress?”

“No it’s fine, I’m with her right now at ‘By the Waterside’. Hurry up and get here, I have good news… No, a huge surprise for you.”

Xiao Bo laughed. “What kind of surprise?”

“You’ll know when you get there, hurry up!”

Xiao Bo hung up, got into the car with Li-ge and bought a carton of beer on the way as well.

When they arrived at ‘By the Waterside’, the shop was already closed. The Enchantress and Wu Zei were sitting inside, talking. 

Li-ge placed down the beer and smiled at the Enchantress. “Call some kebabs for us. We’ll eat as we play.”

She agreed but didn’t move, grinning at Xiao Bo.

Xiao Bo looked at Wu Zei. “Your expression is giving me goosebumps.”

“Who’s asking, me or you?” Wu Zei asked her.

“You do it!” 

Then, just as Wu Zei opened his mouth, the Enchantress said again, “Nevermind, I’ll do it! Xiao Bo, sit down first.”

Xiao Bo put on a show of being careful, perching on the edge of the sofa, his face downcast. “Sis, tell me!”

Seeing them like this, Li-ge’s curiosity was also roused, and he sat down to the side.

The Enchantress held a piece of paper in her hands, constantly folding and unfolding it. “An old friend came to the shop today. Take a guess at who it was.”

Xiao Bo smiled and started guessing. From Zhang San to Li Si to the pockmarked Wang Er, Enchantress always just smiled and shook her head.

(These are just the names of three extremely irrelevant side characters from Legend of the Condor Heroes)

Seeing how Wu Zei and the Enchantress were acting, Li-ge looked up in shock. If it were an old friend and everyone else knew them, then he should know them as well, but Wu Zei and Enchantress didn’t care about his reaction, meaning that this old friend was closer to Xiao Bo than himself, and it was someone that Xiao Bo cared about. Xiao Bo was horribly strict on himself, always keeping up a warm face despite his cold heart. Even though it might have looked as if he was friends with everyone, he was extremely choosy when it came to making actual friends, and there weren’t many people who could tug on his heart.

Li-ge stepped on Wu Zei underneath the table and asked him a silent question with his eyes. Wu Zei nodded lightly.

Their movements were small, but Xiao Bo had always been sensitive to the people around him. In that little while, what Li-ge had been able to think of, he had also thought of.

He was smiling but he could no longer speak. The name was on the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t utter it. Maybe it was because he cared so much that he couldn’t even trust his own judgement in fear that it was wrong.

The room fell into silence.

Ten years ago, when they were still bright youths, Li-ge, Wu Zei, Xiao Bo, the Enchantress, and Qiqi were like a little family. They played together, laughed together, got into trouble together, and took responsibility together. They cared for each other and looked after each other, but ever since Wu Zei got into prison, they had never been able to reunite and someone had always been missing. In their most difficult time, only Li-ge and Xiao Bo had been left.

After Wu Zei got out of prison and after many struggles and difficulties, he had found the Enchantress and taken her back. They were united again. Even though they were missing a Qiqi, it hadn’t been that much of a big deal, after all, life would always get better. They rarely mentioned her, just as they rarely looked back on their past.

That night though, Qiqi’s name was like a spell, reawakening everything that they thought they had forgotten.

There was laughter and willfulness, the difficulties and bitterness of all those years.

Between Qiqi’s departure and her return, ten years of time had swung by like a shadow. Falls and returns though, failures and successes, separations, reunions, bitterness, sweetness, they had experienced them all.

The Enchantress silently slid the paper to Xiao Bo. “Qiqi gave you this.” When her hand became empty, the first thing she did was reach for Wu Zei’s, which held hers tightly the instant they met each other.

Life was like driving a boat on a river, sometimes it was calm and they could watch as the shores went past, and sometimes it was filled with winds and storms, forcing them to fight, and in extreme situations, letting go, to save both themselves and others.

After a big wave could be the final farewell. When the river calmed again, the ship would still sail, and they could only wipe away the tears for those who had departed and move on, welcoming new scenery and new people, and keep smiling.

Few in this world were brave enough to jump into the current to search for the lost. Who knew where they had been rushed to? Who knew if they had started a new life? They can only keep their past in the depths of their heart and keep going. There was no right or wrong, it was simply life.

Though how happy it would be if they never needed to let go, and they could walk together forever!

The Enchantress looked at Wu Zei, tears glimmering in her eyes, her heart filled with words that she would never say aloud. “Thank you. Thank you for not letting go. If you didn’t hold on so dumbly, then we wouldn’t be holding hands today.”

Xiao Bo took the paper slip but kept it closed. He smiled and asked, “How is she now?”

“I don’t know. We didn’t see her, she gave the paper slip to the shop assistant for the Enchantress to give to you,” Wu Zei replied.

The Enchantress thought a little and said, “I think I saw her.”

Xiao Bo smiled in silence, his eyes not looking at Enchantress, but downwards at the folded paper in his hands.

“I was on the phone with one of my friends and I didn’t enter in case one of the customers would think I was too noisy. As I was calling, I saw a woman staring at me. I thought she looked familiar, but I was busy talking so I didn’t pay much attention,” she said.

“How stupid can you be? No reaction, even though you were being stared at?!” Wu Zei asked.

“Hmph!” She flipped her hair and smiled amorously. “People always stare at me when I’m walking on the streets. Am I supposed to be curious about all of them?”

Li-ge hid his smile but Wu Zei bursted out laughing.

The Enchantress glared at them then said to Xiao Bo, “I didn’t pay too much attention but I still have the basic image. She looked like she was faring well, and she’s prettier than before- she’s not that basic Qiqi anymore, otherwise I would’ve recognized her. Didn’t she promise to meet tomorrow? Go ahead!”

Xiao Bo stared at her dumbly and the Enchantress pointed at the paper slip.

Xiao Bo finally opened it.

A beautiful little book store from a childhood dream. The dreamer had already forgotten it, but turning around, it had come true. 

Xiao Bo, tomorrow by the river, I’ll be waiting. ——Qiqi

I said I’ll be waiting!

Xiao Bo suddenly felt his heart speeding up. Even though he hadn’t drank, he felt that feeling of dizziness after a light glass.

Li-ge didn’t try to act the gentleman in front of Xiao Bo. He snuck up close to him, read through the whole thing with relish and grinned. “Nice, our Qiqi has really grown up, such daring! Comrade Bo, we will now give you the mission of bringing Qiqi back home!”

The Enchantress started excitedly, “I’ll give you permission to meet her by yourself tomorrow, but after that we’re going together. We’ll go to karaoke and then go dancing, let’s see if she’s forgotten what we taught her.”

“And cards! I’ll team up with Li-ge and you can be on the same team as Qiqi like before. We’ll see who’s the winner this time.”

Everyone laughed heartily. Maybe none of them had ever achieved anything great, but to be able to beat the cruelty of life, to always be together, that was the biggest miracle there could have been!

Xiao Bo however only smiled. Li-ge nudged Wu Zei and the two stood up and walked over to the pool table. The Enchantress followed them and they each held a can of beer, talking in a low voice.

Wu Zei glanced at Xiao Bo who was sitting alone underneath the light. “I thought Xiao Bo would be the happiest out of all of us now that Qiqi’s back, but it looks like he’s not happy at all. He looks even more troubled than before.”

The Enchantress scowled at him. “Don’t say anything if you don’t understand it.”

Li-ge hit the billiard and muttered, “The problem with people of Xiao Bo’s upbringing is coming up again. He hasn’t even done anything and he’s already thinking of all the ways it could go badly, what with the not-meeting-is-better-than-meeting, memories are beautiful, reality is cruel. If it were up to me, I would think it would be better if you were less educated. How many philosophers are happy? They all thought too much and did too little!”

“What do you mean? Not meeting? Not meeting what? He’s not going to go see Qiqi? How could he do that? It would have been so difficult getting here from America.” Wu Zei said, alarmed.

(*Luci: Indeed. Plane tickets expensive. How did she get from ‘Murica to China, what happened to lockdown)

The Enchantress thought about it and understood what Li-ge meant. She glanced over at Wu Zei then said to Li-ge, “They’re both too smart, So much that they have to think everything through! If they were dumb like my Wu Zei, who cares the consequences, he’d come up and ask, and if you didn’t agree he’d stun you and take you home anyways.”

Li-ge chuckled. “Yeah. The dumb ones have their own luck.”

Wu Zei rubbed his head, looked towards his wife, then his da-ge*. “That doesn’t sound like a compliment, but at the same time it does…”

(*big brother, but can be used affectionately rather than familially)

Enchantress held back her laugh. “We’re complimenting you!”

“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t Xiao Bo go see Qiqi?” Wu Zei asked.

“If Xiao Bo was like us, then he would go. If he discovered that he wasn’t like us, then the things he needed to consider would increase, like if Qiqi married, if she had a boyfriend, if he deserved her, is there was chance for him, how large that chance would be, if he would hurt her…” replied the Enchantress.

Wu Zei became confused. “Wouldn’t he go ask? He’d know if he asked! What’s the point of thinking about it himself?”

Enchantress looked at Li-ge in exasperation. Li-ge laughed and patted Wu Zei on the back. “Just go play pool, don’t think too much about it.”

Xiao Bo walked over. “What are you guys talking about?”

“You! Hurry up and get a stick,” Li-ge replied.

Xiao Bo grabbed a cue stick, watched the ongoing match, and waited for the next round to start. 

The Enchantress looked at them, smiled, and left to buy kebabs.

The three brothers played pool for the entire night, and drank an entire carton of beer plus another three bottles of white wine. Li-ge deliberately got Xiao Bo drunk.

When Xiao Bo woke up the next day, it was already four in the afternoon. Sweat broke out on his forehead and he rushed to the shower, scolding himself as he did so.

After, he saw Li-ge sitting in the living room, stretching. “I haven’t eaten for the whole day. Let’s go eat dinner.”

Xiao Bo glanced at the clock on the wall and said nothing.

Li-ge completely ignored his expression and pushed Xiao Bo outside whilst cheerfully calling Wu Zei and Enchantress for dinner.

A long journey later, the four met up in a restaurant, the Enchantress also bringing her kid along.

Xiao Bo had always been good with kids because of how patient he was. The instant the little thing saw him, she started climbing up his body. Xiao Bo could only force himself to brighten up and play with her.

That meal was filled with tiny misfortunes. First the plate broke, then the chopsticks fell, then the kid started crying. Xiao Bo kept patient at first, his eyes constantly looking towards the watch on his wrist. Afterwards, his heart started to cool as he resigned himself to fate. It was like a person trying to row upstream in a swift current, tired and battered, only to realise that the oar in his hands was too thin to battle the currents and slowly, started to give up. Let the stream carry him wherever!

After dinner, when the four walked out of the restaurant, it was already eight.

The sky darkened late and the sun had yet to set, the sky a warm blue with slivers of clouds here and there, like some goldfish swimming in the sky.

Enchantress held her kid and looked up at the sky. The child was tired from too much playing and was sleeping on her shoulder.

Wu Zei covered the child in a little jacket and looked at Xiao Bo, as if wanting to say something. Li-ge waved at him and ordered, “Wu Zei, go home with the Enchantress first. I’ll take Xiao Bo.”

Li-ge drove intently and Xiao Bo looked ahead, his eyes not focusing.

The two brothers sat next to each other, silent.

When Xiao Bo had finally realized what was happening, Li-ge had already driven the car to the river. He stopped the car next to the bank and Xiao Bo looked at him in confusion. “Aren’t we going home?”

Li-ge pulled open the car door. “Get down!” His expression was stern, filled with the dignity of when he was still boss.

Xiao Bo got off silently. Li-Ge led him along the bank and they walked along slowly.

When they had arrived at an open space, Li-ge passed a cigarette to Xiao Bo. The two leaned against the railing, looked towards the river, and smoked.

“Xiao Bo, I deliberately got you drunk last night. You’re an amazing person, but you’re too sensitive. I don’t want you to keep thinking about this.”

“I know.” Xiao Bo’s expression was calm.

“Tell me honestly, just what are you thinking?”

“I don’t know. I never really thought about it.”

“Then start now from the beginning.”

Xiao Bo exhaled and replied after a moment of silence, “I really did think of her as a sister back then, or at least another version of me.”

“And now?”

“These years, I didn’t think about her often, but on my happiest and lowest days, I would always be reminded of the days in which we were together. We would sit together and read in a room, not saying anything, but we could see each other whenever we looked up, and it was comforting. And the times we would ride our bikes and go search for street food in the small avenues. We were both stingy and we counted each candy we bought, but we were so happy. She liked listening to old songs from Shanghai and she would always drag me to listen with her, so much that even I started to grow a liking to them.”

The gates of memory opened, and the past quietly flew back to him. “Once, I was helping my mother with flipping gloves at home, and she came to find me. Even though it was so hot and humid there, she kept helping me, and after we came out, I said I would treat her to an ice block and that she could choose whichever. She pretended to be so picky but she ended up picking the cheapest one, saying that she just wanted it. I still remembered every time our grades were released during high school, she would go see the ranks, and once, a corner was ripped so she couldn’t see my rank, so she counted them up one by one to calculate mine. 

I saw her and patted her head and asked what she was doing, and she turned around and just kept smiling dumbly. You said she was stupid though, and back then, I was always thinking about how I would go to university in the future and break off from you all, so I didn’t want to owe any favors to you, but she would always remind me not to since it would heart you…”

As he spoke, his voice grew fainter until it stopped completely as he stared at the glimmering river.

Li-ge didn’t say anything and allowed him to think it through himself.

A long time later, Xiao Bo said in a soft voice, “I think you’re right. These years, I’ve always unconsciously compared every woman with her. I was always looking for that sense of comfort despite silence, that positive laughter despite lacking wealth, the ability to see each other at first glance in a crowd, and the knowledge that they would never leave me behind no matter what might happen.” Xiao Bo looked up and stared at a cloud just barely touching the crown of a tree. 

“If I had never possessed those feelings before, I would probably have married long ago, but because I did, that I knew those feelings truly exist, now, I’m unwilling to compromise.”

Back then, Xiao Bo had been faced with too much pressure and a completely dark future, it was well enough for him to survive. He didn’t have time to think about matters like love, yet when he finally started contemplating it, he realized that love had already visited his life. It was then that he could see as well that it was a love long lost.

Li-ge took in a heavy breath of smoke. “Qiqi is very good, but the two of you are already an entire world apart. She’s a graduate of Tsinghua, she’s drunk the Western inks, and what are you? You don’t even have a high school graduation certificate! It’s not just a statement of education, it also represents a person’s experience, visions, social status, and friendship circles.

XIao Bo looked down at his hands and said nothing.

“You two understood each other before, but that was only because you lived in the same world. With what will you understand her now? Will you listen to English songs with her? How would she introduce you when she takes you to meet her friends? A man who hadn’t even graduated high school? How would her friends see her? We aren’t kids anymore, we know that people live only in the eyes of others,” Li-Ge said.

Li-ge slapped Xiao Bo’s shoulder. “This is a realist’s world and you’ve always been logical. You should know that there’ll be no chances between the two of you!”  Li-ge held the cigarette butt, took one last breath in, and threw it onto the ground. “No matter how many people you ask, they’ll all tell you to stop dreaming.”

Xiao Bo looked up and smiled. “I know. I never thought about it. Da-ge, let’s go back!”

Li-ge stepped heavily onto the cigarette butt and crushed it. He suddenly punched Xiao Bo twice, sending him tumbling back a few steps.

Li-Ge pointed at him and yelled, “What the fuck do you know? Do you know how many fucking people have told me that you’re too shrewd and that I should be aware of you? I never trusted them, I only trusted you! When Wu Zei first came out of prison, even we tried to tell him to stop thinking about the Enchantress, that she was living just fine, but he didn’t care and insisted on looking for her! And guess what happened? You saw as well! Our brother, who had been to prison, married a hardworking and smart beauty! How many people’s jaws dropped do you think? All these years, how many people have asked you to leave me and start out on your own? But why didn’t you do anything? It’s so obviously the better path, so why the fuck did you not do anything?”

Xiao Bo didn’t say anything.

Li-ge shouted, “Xu Xiaobo, have you been living so many peaceful days that you’ve forgotten who you are? We are people of the streets! We are the delinquents who would dare to do everything! You’re not some fucking upstanding civilian! Have you forgotten that the only reason you were able to survive was to live better than everyone else? You have nothing apart from your courage to try. Those logics and rules made up by society aren’t set up for people like us, if we followed those rules, people like us would have died a long fucking time ago! Who the fuck ordered that high school dropouts couldn’t marry a doctor? Who the fuck ordered that men from small cities couldn’t marry girls from big cities? Who the fuck decided that we aren’t as good as those elites? Who the fuck decided who is better than who? We fought our battles with our own blood, sweat and tears! And I am fucking proud of myself, and you should be as well! Luo Qiqi’s not a fucking princess, and even if she was, you deserve her!”

Xiao Bo stared, dazed, at Li-ge, his expression complicated.

“Hurry up and fuck off over to her! I don’t care if she’s married or if she’s got a boyfriend, you still need to say what you need to say and do what you need to do. No matter what the results are, at least you’ve tried and you’ll have no regrets. Be a man and face it, the road in front of you is still long, your good days are still plenty, and there are plenty of good women out there!”

Li-ge ran his hands through his hair, took in a few deep breaths, and finally calmed down.

Xiao Bo subconsciously looked towards the sky. The sun had already set, the brilliant sunset giving out its last lights.

An entire day had passed, would Qiqi still be waiting?

Li-ge also looked towards the sky and said gently, “I dragged you away until now on purpose. If all those years of companionship couldn’t give back one day of waiting, then there would be no point in meeting again. If she’s still the Qiqi from our memories, she’d still be waiting for you until she saw you again. It doesn’t matter what you’re thinking of right now and what the future will be, was an entire day of waiting not enough for you to go see her?”

“Da-ge…” Xiao Bo started, but his voice was cut short.

Li-ge glared at him and made a move to kick him. “Still not going? Do I have to kick you over?”

XIao Bo dodged, nodded at him, and jogged along the riverside.

Li-ge watched as Xiao Bo’s silhouette vanished in the dusk.

He lit another cigarette and slumped over the railings, feeling the wind in his face as he smoked, smiling.

The sky was slowly peeling away it’s brilliant red clothing, returning to darkness, and tomorrow was another day.

No one knew what tomorrow would be, would it be full of clouds or filled with sun? But that wasn’t important. What was important was that after tomorrow, there would be another tomorrow, and long as life continued, there would always be another tomorrow. The perpetual hope towards the next moment was the happiness that we all wished for.

The thing lighting up life wasn’t the scenery of tomorrow, but rather the beauty of hope.

We carried hope and walked forwards bravely, climbing up as we fell, trying hard as we failed, always believing in a better tomorrow, that no matter how ordinary we were, we would be in control of our own happiness.

That was the most splendid scenery of this ordinary life.

(End)

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Luci: ANnnnd it’s done! Thanks to everyone that stuck with us through the whole thing and special shoutout to Stileshun you have no idea how much those likes mean to us :DDDD

I’ll see you guys in the next book 😀

And because Vera isn’t judgemental and specific like that, she would like to thank everyone who read this, regardless of if you liked or commented. I’m glad that we could finish off this book for everyone who spent so long waiting for those final few chapters.

Previous Chapter|TOC|

Extra: Two People (Xiao Bo)

Ever since they were children, Xu Xiaobo and Luo Qiqi would always be on the same team when playing cards; and when they went out to play, Qiqi would only be willing to sit on Xiao Bo’s broken bicycle; and at restaurants, she would always dominant the seat next to him, not giving it up to anyone; and they would watch recordings together on the couch, Xiao Bo making Qiqi watch《The Smiling Proud Wanderer》 by Jet Li, and Qiqi dragging Xiao Bo to watch《Roman Holidays》 by Audrey Hepburn; they both loved reading and they would often sit with one lying on the couch, the other before the desk, immersed in their own novels and occasionally looking up at each other, sometimes without the other noticing, sometimes their eyes meeting and each smiling at each other before continuing on…

Xu Xiaobo knew that there was something different between him and his friends, and he knew that Qiqi was a little different as well. It was that tiny difference that made them so close and understanding of each other, and what made him believe they were family.

Until that day.

He had come back from outside of the city and had gone to Qiqi’s school to pick her up when he saw her walk out of the gates laughing with her friends.

The Literary Performance had just ended and the gates were crowded with people. Qiqi was walking hand in hand with a pretty girl in the middle of her group. They talked and grinned, constantly pushing at each other. Someone said something and the entire group bursted out in laughter.

The lights outside the gates were bright, reflecting their own nature. It wasn’t a very special image, in fact, it was one that appeared everyday in school.

It was something that he had never been able to get, no matter how hard he chased after it.

That spirit and energy could never have belonged to him. For the first time, he realized that maybe, Qiqi wasn’t the same blood as him.

He had waited for half the night already to meet her but now, he was hesitating. He didn’t want to drag her away from her schoolmates, his world didn’t possess any of what they had.

Qiqi’s face was bright as she talked, her expression a cheek that could be seen by everyone, with nary a shred of darkness nor bitterness. 

The gates behind her back stood solemn and stern under the lamplight like a knight made up of society itself, a guardian in shining armor protecting their bright smiles.

He stared at the gates, a deep bitterness rising up in his heart. For others, that door led to hell, yet even though he was more than willing to walk into it, it was hidden from him.

Qiqi suddenly turned a little, her eyes sweeping across the road. Before he had time to move away, her face brightened and she ran across it.

In that moment, he felt an unspeakable joy, the bitterness in his heart vanishing as if the person flying across the road was hope itself.

He controlled his happiness, fearing that if it was too obvious, the heavens would see it and take it back. He had known a long time ago that he was never someone blessed by the gods.

Qiqi asked him, “How long have you been waiting here? Why didn’t you call me?”

He smiled. “I just came here and saw you guys walking out.”

Her friends followed her over, a small horde of eyes looking over him as if they could sense that he wasn’t one of them.

“Qiqi, hurry up. Let’s go eat malatang,” they called out.

On one side was him, and on the other side were her friends. Qiqi stood in the centre, hesitating, unsure of which to pick.

Xiao Bo looked at that group of bright-eyed youths and made the decision for her. “Qiqi, go with your friends.” He smiled and left.

Under the dim light, Xiao Bo walked alone.

He knew Qiqi was walking the opposite direction as him, but that was the bright path blessed by the masses. It was for the better!

Footsteps suddenly sounded behind him. His heart skipped a beat and before he could turn around, Qiqi had jumped to his side and clung to his elbows, a bright smile on her face.

In that moment, he was deeply moved and felt a joy that stretched as far as his soul.

“Aren’t you going to eat malatang?” he asked.

“I prefer lamb skewers.” Qiqi announced his importance in her heart and firmly told him her choice.

In his joy, he didn’t think too deeply about Qiqi’s decision- or rather, at that moment, he was still holding onto the dream that he could achieve his dream, that he and Qiqi were still family.

But even the last illusions broke.

He had to take on the responsibilities that he was supposed to bear and he couldn’t leave them to others because of his desires. Men could not live for themselves, so he decided to shatter it.

He knew very well that he would gradually become the same as the people around him and slowly forget that he had once possessed a dream. He would no longer possess that little difference, but Qiqi still had it.

He would smoke during countless nights and within the mist, he would reminisce about the bits and pieces after their first meeting. Six years. He had practically watched her grow up. They had so many happy memories and he truly believed that Qiqi had also been happy, but every time, he would be reminded of her expression that night outside the school gates.

All those years, he had always thought that he was the one caring for and accompanying that little girl but now, he had suddenly realized that it had always been the other way around.

Li-ge laughed at him, saying that he was protecting Qiqi like a miser, refusing to let anyone touch her. He too had believed that he was protecting Qiqi as a big brother, only now had he realized that he wasn’t only protecting Qiqi, but also that tiny bit of light hidden in the darkest corner of his heart.

If he was able to see her whenever he looked up, then no matter what he saw looking down, he would firmly believe in a better tomorrow.

He had always thought that Qiqi needed his protection, but it was only that little light in his heart struggling to keep itself from drowning. It was that light that needed protection.

Qiqi didn’t need his shelter, even if he wasn’t there, Qiqi would be able to quickly find new friends and start a new life.

All those years, maybe it had only been him being selfish, dragging her and keeping her in their world, crushing her chances of making new friends before they ever appeared.

Now, would he still drag her down to become one of the same?

He knew her personality very well and he knew that as long as he was there, Qiqi would never leave him, but he also knew that she was intelligent, and that as long as her mind was used well, she would become a burningly bright star.

She had yet to know what she really wanted to become, so even if she had stayed in their world, she wouldn’t understand what she had missed out on, or be given a chance to regret what she had left behind.

But he knew!

And so, he chose then- to cut ties with Luo Qiqi.

He knew that she was sad, but he was even more so because he wasn’t only carrying his own sorrow, but hers.

He knew that underneath the burning sun, she had sat smoking by the river for the entire day, burning away packets and packets, but he also knew that she would never let decadence become the norm of her life. Without even asking how, he just knew, just like how he knew that he would never bow down to the heavens, and no matter what life threw at him, that he would survive and win.

Qiqi walked into high school, retracted all her rebelliousness, and started to become a good student.

During that time, he was extremely tired.

Li-ge had been too rash in his attempts to succeed, resulting in weak and unsteady foundations. During the good days, everything had appeared fine and smooth, but the instant something had happened, the cash flow had stopped, followed by one trouble after another, and the entire business fell down like a stack of dominos. All of the other businesses became loans to others, leaving them with only the karaoke and the night club.

In trying to help Wu Zei and Xiao Bo though, Li-ge gave the night club away as well as a pledge to loan sharks to get cash for the lawsuits and smooth down relationships, and for cash to give to the prison bosses to ask them to take care of Wu Zei.

The karaoke bar was still functioning as usual, but the effect of the case and the fierce competitions had taken away most of its business- the daily income wasn’t even enough to pay the loan sharks. What was even more terrifying than their enemies were those ‘good friends’ all watching from the sidelines, waiting for an opportunity to bite into their weak spot and split the spoils.

Sometimes, he became scared, scared that they wouldn’t be able to make it and Li-ge would be chased by debt collectors, scared that without outside help, even if Wu Zei didn’t get hurt physically, he would end up with mental problems, scared that no matter what they did, they would no longer have a tomorrow.

But… he couldn’t let anyone know that he was scared, otherwise everyone would come snarling at them. He couldn’t let Li-ge know that he was scared either. Li-ge was only able to smile at everything because he believed in him, but he was terrified to the point that it was impossible for him to get a good night’s sleep, to the point that he would constantly be woken up by endless nightmares, and then the next morning, he would have to put on a smile and face everyone with confidence and use nonchalance to hide his fears.

Sometimes when he couldn’t bear anything anymore, he would go to the little forest next to the river, sit in the depths of a small flower bed, smoke, and rest. It was only then that he would let his back relax, let his smile vanish.

At around ten, Qiqi would carry her bag and stride past the little path outside the forest. Sometimes, she would be deep in thought, or muttering in English, fighting for her tomorrow, and every time he saw her, he would temporarily forget those fears and anxieties and enjoy that moment of peace.

Then one night when he went to the forest to take a break, he saw Zhang Jun.

He didn’t know what had happened, only that Zhang Jun was secretly following Qiqi. At first he had thought that Qiqi had managed to upset Zhang Jun, and for many days, he would arrive early at the forest to wait for her. Afterwards, he realized that Zhang Jun was protecting her home.

Both he and Zhang Jun were careful but somehow, Qiqi had been able to find something strange, and shouted with false confidence, “Xiao Bo, come out! I can see you!”

He couldn’t help but smile, yet afterwards, he felt bitter. Qiqi still didn’t understand that they were no longer on the same paths and would never be!

At that moment, there were three people being sorrowful.

Qiqi couldn’t hide her pained expression and as she walked, she looked around, unwilling to give up. “Xiao Bo! Xiao Bo, come out!”

Finally, she gave up and she walked back slowly, her back bent and her head lowered, as if she had lost all of her spirit.

Zhang Jun hid himself in the forest, his back against a tree and his hands in his pocket. He stared at the treetops, unmoving.

He remained in the exact same position even when Qiqi had vanished from the road. Even Xiao Bo was able to feel the loneliness and sorrow in his heart. Shocked, Xiao Bo started to realize Zhang Jun’s emotions. That boy had a pair of good eyes; he saw her goodness.

Xiao Bo stared at Zhang Jun with a hint of jealousy. 

In this circle, it was easy to fall but hard to be reborn. How lucky this boy was to be given a chance to restart and walk on the same path as Qiqi.

Zhang Jun slowly walked out of the forest with his head lowered.

Xiao Bo remained sitting, lit a cigarette, and puffed out a smoke ring. He watched as the smoke slowly dispersed, just as he had watched all his past dreams slowly die away.

The first time Qiqi’s midterm results came out, Li-ge had been shocked at how amazing his Qiqi could be.

The top twenty of First High was a rank that many people yearned for, but Xiao Bo knew that it was only the beginning for Qiqi and that she was still searching for a direction.

He stopped worrying about her and started to truly merge into his new identity, his new life.

Without realizing it, the number of times he went to the small forest decreased.

Still, whenever the pressure became too big, or whenever he was reminded of Wu Zei, he would go back and silently sit in the shadows, smoking away.

Qiqi found a new friend, a sunny looking boy.

She looked like she too had truly merged into her new life and was chatting excitedly with the boy next to her about the Literary Performance. Name after name jumped out of her mouth and she assigned a role to each one of them as the boy next to her looked at her with admiration.

Qiqi became more and more like a normal good student, studying hard, caring about her classes, actively participating in group activities, and getting along with her classmates, surrounded by good friends. Maybe she would secretly crush on a certain boy, and maybe a few boys would crush on her.

He was happy, really happy.

Seeing her trying hard and taking initiative, he suddenly felt a bit ashamed. He was also trying, but there was no initiative from him.

There was already no choice in the type of life he could live, but there was always the option of how he would treat that life. Did he lose all his courage already?

He thought, eyes lidded, for a while, and crushed out his unfinished cigarette. 

The harder it was, the more he needed to love himself. That was something he had once told Qiqi, but he himself had forgotten.

Ever since the incident with Wu Zei, Xiao Bo had started smoking and drinking vigorously and would often go out gambling and car racing during nights. Li-ge didn’t try to talk him out of it and pretended that he saw nothing. They had known each other for so long and he knew that Xiao Bo wasn’t the type to indulge.

He was only nineteen, others of the same age were still living under the care of their parents, enjoying life, but he had to live exhausted, bent down, and begging for life. If there was no way for him to relieve himself, he might become crushed by his burdens.

After a while, Xiao Bo gradually became normal again, stopped his excessive drinking, and stopped car racing. 

Song Peng asked in fascination, “Xiao Bo, what shocked you into changing? Why have you stopped drinking and smoking? Did you find yourself a strict girlfriend?”

Xiao Bo grinned. “It’s exactly because I don’t have a girlfriend that I want to treat myself better.”

Everyone laughed, not believing him. Li-ge smiled at Xiao Bo. This was the Xiao Bo he knew! Everything would be fine again!

Somehow, Xiao Bo managed to get through Song Jie, who became his assurance. Xiao Bo begged for a penny here and there and opened a roller skating rink. No one else knew why the always so shrewd Song Jie started doing unprofitable businesses, but Li-ge wasn’t surprised. Song Jie wasn’t a normal person, he knew how to look at people and see them, and he knew that if he helped Xiao Bo now, he would get Xiao Bo’s thanks in return for a lifetime. His investment wasn’t in the business, but rather Xiao Bo as a person. 

Xiao Bei appreciated the chance that Song Jie gave him immensely and placed everything on it. To reduce renovation costs, he hired farmhands. China’s farmhands were the most honest, but most treacherous people. Their psychology was simple, all the city folk were well-educated, and under the money they were being paid, they would earn it with the least amount of work they tried to do. Whether the hirer shouted at them or acted courteously, they would abide by their honest ‘faith’ through it all.

After a few days of watching over the construction site, Xiao Bo understood that and moved his bedding over. He lived with them, ate with them, woke earlier than them, and stayed behind the latest. He didn’t refuse any hard labor, and when his hands were scraped open from glass, he said nothing and continued working on digging up a drain system the next day, growing blisters on blisters. Apart from giving out orders, he didn’t say a word of nonsense, only working in earnest. The honest side of the farmers was revitalized and they finally started working with all their might, they even tried to persuade Xiao Bo into taking a break and followed any order from Xiao Bo immediately.

The skating rink finished its renovations before the days truly became hot, and its business bursted with the instant it opened. Li-ge knew that they had finally endured past the worst days and survived. This wasn’t just the success of a skating rink, Song Jie had seen everything from the sidelines with cold eyes. They were finally able to find an able partner with connections in this world of wolves.

Xiao Bo placed all his thoughts on the skating rink and stayed there everyday, thinking up infinite ways of attracting customers. The profit of the rink rose day by day.

When the summer holidays came, the business became even better, especially at night. Sometimes they even had to limit the tickets sold. 

On the day that Qiqi had sent her gifts over, Li-ge had also been at the skating rink. The karaoke bar called, saying that someone had left a letter for Xiao Bo.

Xiao Bo was busy right now so Li-ge had ordered, “Tell someone to bring it over.”

Then he had become immersed in his work and had forgotten about it.

During dinner, the two brothers were eating takeaway in their office whilst chatting when Xiao Bo suddenly saw the letter on the table and picked it up. “What’s this?”

“Oh yeah, some letter for you.”

Xiao Bo laughed. “Round and hard, is this a grenade?” He opened the letter, shook it, and from it fell a pine cone and a rock.

Li-ge laughed. “What is this?”

Xiao Bo stopped laughing though, his eyes deep in thought. He shook the envelope again and a small paper slip fell out. Li-ge had no care for privacy and got up close to read it. There was no name or signature, just a single sentence.

“A pinecone from underneath the Great Wall, and a rock from Mt Lao.”

He was even more perplexed. “Just what is this?”

Xiao Bo picked up the pine cone and rock and placed it back into the envelope before continuing eating as if he didn’t care at all. “It’s a gift from Qiqi.”

“How did you know?”

“I heard from Song Peng that she was chosen to attend the summer camp. They went to Beijing and Qingdao.”

“Then what was she trying to say with this? That she had gone to the Great Wall and Mt. Lao?”

Xiao Bo didn’t say something and buried himself in food, his expression unclear. After a while, he said lightly, “She probably also kept a pine cone and a rock, so that way it’s like we’re still sharing everything, just like before when we would watch recordings and listen to songs together.”

Li-ge couldn’t say anything. He ate dinner in silence for a while, then suddenly said, “You should try the Gaokao again!”

Xiao Bo looked up at Li-ge, his face expressionless and said to him very gently, “Fuck you too.”

Li-ge knew that he was truly angry this time and didn’t continue the topic. “Sorry, sorry. Let’s eat!”

Song Peng was younger than Song Jie by thirteen years, almost an entire generation apart, and they had completely different personalities as well, making it almost impossible to see that they were actually brothers.

Song Peng was rash and he knew that he had the background to act like that. He would always go around saying “What’s the point of being young if you can’t indulge yourself?” but in front of Xiao Bo’s gentle and calming nature, he retracted his arrogance and was able to go along fairly well with him.

These days, Song Peng became obsessed with controlling the spotlights and loved picking out his targets as he leaned on the window. The people getting the spotlight were happy, and Song Peng was even happier.

Xiao Bo sat reading a newspaper on the sofa and chatted mindlessly with him.

Noticing something, Song Peng didn’t reply for a long time and stared intently down the window. “Xiao Bo, do you have binoculars?”

Xiao Bo pointed at the drawers. Song Peng picked up the binoculars and peeped down, grinning pervertedly as he did so.

“What are you looking at?”

“Friends. I think I’ve discovered some suspicious relationships between a few people.”

Xiao Bo chuckled, didn’t pay much attention to it, and continued flipping through his newspaper.

After Xiao Bo had gone through the newspaper, Song Peng was still watching them with relish. Xiao Bo stood up, stretched his back, and looked down the window.

Song Peng cackled, placed down the binoculars and went to control the spotlight.

Xiao Bo used the window as a mirror and stretched when he suddenly saw a familiar person underneath the spotlights – Qiqi.

Qiqi was skating with a stranger. Suddenly shone down upon with the spotlight, she almost fell from shock, but the man next to her was able to react fast enough and caught her. Qiqi was obvious annoyed and hurriedly moved to the sides to avoid the light but Song Peng continued chasing after her with the light, a sly grin on his face.

Even though Xiao Bo couldn’t see clearly, he was able to imagine the impatience in Qiqi’s eyes. He smiled at Song Peng and said, “Stop mucking around. The light is only for those who are good at skating, if you break the rules now, it’ll make management difficult later.”

Song Peng was disappointed. “I’ll let her go this time.” He moved the spotlight away and searched for a new target.

Xiao Bo picked up the binoculars and watched as Qiqi skated to one of the corners, taking a break by the railings. Zhang Jun stormed over to her, said something and left, still angry.

Qiqi watched the skating rink silently. Probably thinking that there was no one who knew her around her, her mask became a little loose, her expression a little melancholy.

Xiao Bo was puzzled. Didn’t she just go to Beijing and QIngdao? She should be happy right now.

He moved his eyes away from the binoculars and looked at the skating rink.

The spotlight was now on a pair of youths who skated very well, the light outlining their lovely bodies – Zhang Jun and a pretty female partner skating.

Xiao Bo picked up the binoculars again. Watching her, he started to understand a little where her sorrows came from.

Qiqi watched them for a while, then suddenly rushed into the rink and skated almost madly.

Xiao Bo used the binoculars and chased after her figure. He understood what she was feeling in the moment, the need to get away from all the pain and throw them behind her, but – his heart skipped a beat as he watched Qiqi fall over backwards.

Protect your head!

Qiqi didn’t do anything and fell down hard onto the concrete floor.

Everything flashed by in front of him in perfect clarity because of the binoculars. He felt as if Qiqi had fallen right in front of him and he instinctively reached out his hands to help her.

Zhang Jun skated happily with his partner underneath the spotlight, dancing with the music, oblivious to the pain Qiqi was in right now.

Qiqi lay alone on the cold concrete floor, unmoving. Through the binoculars, the pain on her face was painfully clear.

Xiao Bo pushed the binoculars away.

Song Peng was still chasing Zhang Jun around with the spotlight, and noticing the sudden movement from Xiao Bo, he turned around and asked, “What happened?”

Xiao Bo smiled. “Nothing.” He picked up the binoculars again.

A young couple stopped by Qiqi, helped her up, and sent her to the break area. Qiqi hugged her head, her shoulders slouched as she sat on a bench like a wounded animal. A long time later, she looked up, her eyes following the beam of the spotlight, sorrowful and puzzled.

Suddenly, she stood up and walked towards the exit of the roller skate rink.

Xiao Bo threw down the binoculars and said to Song Peng, “I’m going to buy some stuff.” He had just arrived at the exit when he turned back, moved the spotlight away from Zhang Jun, and searched amidst the crowds until it finally landed on a young couple. He said to a worker who was playing music, “Get someone to give them the best drinks and fruit plate here.”

Xiao Bo watched Qiqi from afar and watched as she bought an ice cream and smiled at the air, telling herself stubbornly that she needed to smile, not cry!

Slowly, she placed a smile back onto her face which turned into laughter. She was even humming, looking very joyful.

Xiao Bo felt awful. He wished to accompany her so badly, to let her cry her tears, and stop her from forcing herself to be so strong, if only.

He couldn’t though!

He could only watch her fall down by herself, climb back up by herself, force the tears back by herself, and face the world with a smile by herself.

Growing up was accompanied by pain, and strength was the layered scab that grew outside the wounds.

Qiqi hopped and skipped, walking like a happy little bird.

No matter how many difficulties she met, she will doubtlessly be able to break through them all.

He followed her, looking at her stubborn silhouette, his heart filled with sadness, comfort, and pride.

A bike brushed by him. The rider noticed Qiqi and slowed down, and when the bike had just reached her, the owner stopped the bike and waved at Qiqi. It was Chen Jin, who had just become the state rank one.

Chen Jin pushed his bike along and walked next to Qiqi.

There were no cars on the road, making it very quiet, and the wind brought their conversation directly into Xiao Bo’s ears.

“I went to see the rankings in the morning. Congratulations,” said Qiqi.

Chen Jin wasn’t very interested in discussing his own results but took a special interest in Qiqi’s. “I saw your results for last semester. Did it shock you? Are you still trying?”

Xiao Bo was a little surprised. It turned out here was another person who knew that Qiqi had barely begun her flight.

Qiqi sounded dismayed. “I’m still trying, but it’s painful. Sometimes, I don’t even know why I still am.”

“You’ll understand once you reach the mountain top, but if you give up now, you’ll never be able to understand. Don’t give up! If you’ve given up even once, you’ll become used to retreating in the face of difficulties, but if you overcome it, your life will become used to facing your battles and advancing. It seems like a simple choice, but the effects are deep.”

Xiao Bo wasn’t sure how many of those words Qiqi understood, but Xiao Bo started to feel a sudden admiration for this genius. This wasn’t just a nerd whose only talent was studying, but a true fighter of life, filled with wisdom.

Chen Jin chatted with Qiqi for a while, turned to leave on his bike, and asked Qiqi if she needed him to take her home.

Xiao Bo hoped that Qiqi would agree, but she refused.

“Bye!” Chen Jin peddled on his bike and left.

“I wish you the best of luck in University!” Qiqi shouted at Chen Jin.

Chen Jin laughed. “I’ll be waiting for you in Tsinghua!”

Xiao Bo didn’t know why, but when he heard that sentence, his steps paused suddenly. He started walking again after a long while, but he had subconsciously withdrawn himself even further into the darkness.

In the black of the night, the only source of light was the street lamps, lining the side of the pedestrian path in perfect straight rows, guiding people in their travels.

Qiqi walked underneath the lamplights. As long as she kept walking, she would definitely reach a happy and warm family, filled with light and laughter.

The world outside the lamps though was dark and gloomy and unclear, each step leading to places unknown. Even the traveler themself wouldn’t know just what each step led to.

Xiao Bo walked in the world outside the street lamps. He was brave enough to walk out his own, and confident that he would arrive at a bright destination, but he didn’t want Qiqi to take the same path as him. For her, a person like Chen Jin was a true mentor and friend; he was her true travelling partner.

One was light, one was darkness.

They would inevitably walk farther away from each other.

That night, Xu Xiaobo realized clearly for the first time that Qiqi will soon leave to a place that he would never be able to reach.

When the new semester of second grade started, Qiqi no longer walked by herself, Zhang Jun would walk her home.

Xu Xiaobo didn’t go to the flower bed in the forest for a long time, and had barely ever seen Qiqi.

He heard that Qiqi had been dating, and then that she had broken up.

A past-gangster and the number one of First High, their love was strong and stirring and everyone knew about it.

Li-ge had been angry, angry that Zhang Jun had dared to break up with Qiqi and angry that Qiqi had been foolish, dating Zhang Jun even though she knew what type of person he was.

Xiao Bo didn’t think that Zhang Jun was the one at fault. Men and women were different, a woman could love a man whilst still looking up to him, but a man could not do the same- at least, Zhang Jun would not be able to do so yet. He had tried his best but he was tired now, so he had let Qiqi go freely, and had also let himself go. 

Qiqi was definitely hurt, but she had definitely hurt Zhang Jun as well. This was the battle of growing up with no winners.

The number of times he went to the small forest increased again, and next to Qiqi walked that bright young man he had seen before.

That man tried all sorts of methods to make her laugh.

Xiao Bo couldn’t help but smile. He trusted that Qiqi would get better, because she was surrounded by friends who cared for her and loved her.

Xiao Bo felt that it was peaceful now, and settled down to wait for the Gaokao.

When the Gaokao had finished, he didn’t go out of his way to find out Qiqi’s results. He had already waited for three years, so there was no hurry for the last couple of days. He wanted to wait for the official release to see it for himself.

However, as Song Jie was receiving his brother, Song Peng’s results, he had also found out Luo Qiqi’s and said it out casually on the dinner table, “The first ranked in the province this year is a girl, Luo something…”

Song Peng followed up impatiently, “Luo Qiqi!”

Li-ge’s expression became excited and stared at Xiao Bo who appeared as if he didn’t hear anything, his expression not changing, even as he picked up the wine bottle, poured himself a glass, and drank it all in one go.

Seeing the guilt and apology in Li-ge’s eyes, Xiao Bo smiled, poured him a cup of wine, and patted his shoulders. Good brother, don’t say anything about owing each other!

Li-ge immediately picked up the wine glass and drank it all. Good brother, it’s about more than just words!

Song Jie laughed. “What riddles are you two playing at now?”

On the day the rankings were released, Li-ge placed down all the things he was currently working on and came to find Xiao Bo at noon to accompany him to see the rankings, but Xiao Bo kept himself busy, spinning from one end to another until well into the afternoon.

“Can we go now?” Li-ge asked.

“Let’s go eat first, I’m starving! The ranks are stuck there, it’s not as if they’re going to run away.”

Li-ge sighed but didn’t force him. “Then let’s eat first.”

Li-ge understood what Xiao Bo was thinking; to see her results would mean a final farewell, from then on, that little girl would fly away from their world completely. 

They went to a Sichuan restaurant and Xiao Bo ordered a Mei Cai Kou Po and a Steamed Pork with Lotus Leaf, both of which took a long time to prepare. That one dinner took two hours to finish.

When they had finished, the sky had already darkened.

Li-ge drove straight towards First High, but he had barely arrived at the school gates when Xiao Bo suddenly said, “Stop!”

Li-ge didn’t know what was going on and immediately turned the car down to the side of the road.

From the car’s windows, the school gates were just visible in the gaps between the trees.

The sun had already set and the last remnants of its light turned the world half red, half blue. The lights outside the school gates had already lit up. Two girls stood next to each other in front of the school gates, looking up at the ranking list. Qiqi was one of them.

They continued standing there, doing nothing.

A long time later, when the sky had completely darkened, the two finally started leaving and walked over along the school walls. Qiqi maintained a smile on her face and chatted with the girl next to her, but as she walked, tears suddenly started falling. The smile was still there, but her tears continued going down her face.

The girl beside her saw that Qiqi was crying and hastily drew her eyes away from her face, looking towards the distance and pretending that she saw nothing.

Qiqi walked as she cried and went past them. In the darkness, she didn’t see at all the car behind the row of willows.

Li-ge pushed Xiao Bo a little but he didn’t move, only lowering his head in search of cigarettes.

Li-ge threw a packet of cigarettes to him.

After finishing a cigarette, Xiao Bo finally pushed open the door and strode towards the ranking list.

Luo Qiqi. 

The big characters, gold powder sprinkled on top of them, were at the top of the ranking list, dazzling and beautiful.

Li-ge opened the speakers and slowly drove behind Xiao Bo. He rolled down the car windows and smoked silently.

Xiao Bo stood unmoving and stared at the red rankings.

Brother Li could only see his erect figure, he didn’t know what his expression was or what he was thinking.

A song was playing softly in the car, slowly dispersing in the summer winds.

Li-ge didn’t pay much attention at first, but he was slowly drawn into the music and went into a daze. He forgot about his cigarette and let it slowly burn up between his fingers.

Who is knocking on my window?

Who is plucking at the strings?

That piece of forgotten time,

Slowly rising up into my heart.

Who is knocking on my window?

Who is plucking at the strings?

Those happy scenes in my memories,

Slowly rising up into my mind,

That falling rain,

Knocking on my window,

Only me, silent, wishing to go back.

---

In which Vera is gaslit by Luci into reading “Brother Li” as not cringe, and also hates translating song lyrics. Also there’s actually one more chapter but uh, in my defense it’s also Xu Xiaobo.

Luci: why are these extra chapters so long orz

Previous Chapter|TOC|Next Chapter

Extra: Two People (Zhang Jun)

Zhang Jun had been dumped yet again.

His newest girlfriend had been very pretty, but she had one problem: she loved to ask about his exes. She had managed to make a crystal clear investigation on the history of his love life; he had six girlfriends before her and she had asked about each one of them aside from one. The reason for her silence on the last one was simple, the other five had asked to break up with Zhang Jun, whilst Zhang Jun had broken up with the last. Since he had initiated the breakup, there could truly have not been any love left, but who knew about the five others? The ones from many years ago weren’t as suspicious, but the last and second last ones ranked high on the hit list.

The following conversation would often happen because of this:

“Which one of your girlfriends is the most pretty?”

“Which one do you like the most?”

Zhang Jun didn’t really like answering these questions, but when a woman became particularly talkative, even God would shed tears. Compared to getting his ears chewed out, he might as well answer them all.

“The prettiest one… Let me think… I think she’s sitting right in front of me.

“Who do I like the most? I don’t have anyone I like the most, the only one I like is you.”

He reassured her like a child. This girlfriend had never experienced any unforgettable relationships and had yet to understand that the most reluctant piece would always be hidden the deepest.

He was always really good to her and the days were peaceful.

One day though, she found out from somewhere that the girl he broke up with went to Tsinghua and immediately her curiosity was piqued as she continued pestering him about what she was like.

He tried to gloss over it but for some reason, she suddenly got mad and told him that unless he told her a bad quality of that girl, she would break up with her.

He dropped his head, tiredness rushing up his heart and he said, “For me, the only thing bad about her was that she didn’t love me.”

The girlfriend stared at him for a long time before saying calmly, “Let’s break up!”

“Let’s, he replied.

They broke up, but Zhang Jun still helped her get her job settled and find a house and move her furniture, and it was only when everything was done that he finally left.

The girlfriend sighed. “No wonder why your exes would always say such good things about you but still refuse to be your girlfriend.”

Zhang Jun smiled. “I’m just not lucky enough.”

The girl saw that there was some dust on his clothes and reached out to pat it off but Zhang Jun immediately took a step back. The girl smiled a little self-mockingly and retracted her hand. “Why does she not like you?”

Zhang Jun played with his car keys, a smile on his face. “Who? Who doesn’t like me? I thought everyone loved me!”

The girl didn’t say anymore and waved him goodbye.

Zhang Jun got into his car whilst unconsciously humming a song by Leslie Cheung. With one hand on the steering wheel, he turned on the CD player, but hearing that it was a song by Jolin Tsai, he closed it again and opened the radio.

The host was announcing the current traffic. Zhang Jun drove whilst changing the channels, the speakers sometimes playing male voices, sometimes female voices, the sad and the happy flying by in seconds just like his broken life.

Finally, he ended up on a channel that was playing the beginning to a song and he stopped.

It was a warm alto voice and the music was fairly easy to listen to. The first line of the lyrics immediately grabbed Zhang Jun’s attention.

I want to ask, do you still remember my name?
As the tide of people ebbs and flows,
Those fierce romantic days seemed like centuries ago,
You appeared for just a second, and I’ll remember it for a lifetime,
What is with my emotions?
Such a brief joy, so why do I maintain
That it was the most unforgettable part of my life?

The joy and sorrow of ocean travels was not lonely,
Thank god this heart retained light from when I once had you,
You shone for a second, dazzling me for a lifetime,
And I was such a fool.
I’m sorry, but I truly thought the way you held me was hint for a promise,
And through comings and goings, I am still lonely,
Thank goodness these eyes which once cried for you still shine with the light of love,
These years, and things, a moment, a lifetime,
Just what kind of life have you been living?

Please promise me one thing,
If I can meet you once again,
Let me see you shine as brilliantly as ever.

Amidst the music, the smile on Zhang Jun’s face slowly faded and his eyes. staring intently in front of him, were filled with a faint sorrow.

In his youth, he had once loved a girl with all his heart, but she didn’t love him. Or maybe she did, but not as much as he.

They were so young and fought frequently, and Qiqi would start ignoring him for the smallest arguments. His love was so humble, always taking steps back to make her stay again and again, just hoping that one day she would understand that if she were to look down, she would be able to see the heart he offered freely to her.

But, no! Her future was too brilliant and she didn’t have time to look back. 

That time, just before the finals, they went through their biggest fight and they both ignored each other. He didn’t want to do that to her. All he wanted was to childishly force her to be the one to say “I’m sorry, let’s make up”. He childishly wanted to use that method to see her heart, and see that she cared about him.

In that anxious wait, all he got was disappointment. She lived her life as usual, not caring at all about him, though he was unable to get her out.

When the test results came out, his grades flunked yet she not only kept her throne, but went further ahead. Everyone around him told him that he should break up with her, that she didn’t care about him one bit.

But, he couldn’t let go. Even though he knew that she didn’t care, he was still unwilling to break up.

The school invited some outstanding alumni to do some speeches and Qiqi sat in front of him, not far away. He didn’t hear a word of what was being said on stage; his focus was only on her.

Her eyes were so bright, staring at the seniors from Peking and Tsinghua, sometimes deep in thought, sometimes smiling. He felt a bit distressed. He wasn’t one of those outstanding boys, he wouldn’t be able to keep her eyes on him.

Ever since the winter holiday of the second year of high school, when Ms Gao had asked her whether she preferred Tsinghua or Peking, he had felt an overwhelming pressure. Just where was this relationship leading to?

Back then, he told himself that as long as they loved each other, he was willing to use all his might to succeed, and they would definitely be able to overcome every hardship to achieve a happy ending.

Yet that day, as he looked at Qiqi, even though she was right in front of him, he felt as if they were drawing further and further away from each other. A gap seemed to have appeared between them that was impossible for him to cross.

A deep sadness filled his heart and he did something really childish, he told himself that if she turned around and looked at him, then it would prove that there was still a chance for them and he would go chase after her afterwards and apologize, and tell her that no matter where she decided to go, he would use everything he had to chase after her.

But no.

In that almost two hour long meeting, she didn’t turn to him even once. It was like he had never even existed.

He mocked himself and silently said, Look, even the heavens are saying that you two aren’t fated, so stop reaching out beyond your league and let go!

When the meeting ended, she vanished immediately into the crowd as per usual, as if she had forgotten she had a boyfriend. 

His heart had already sunk to rock bottom, but his pride forced him to keep smiling.

He forced himself to talk casually with Guan He and walk outside as if nothing had happened, but his heart was still on her.

A corner, a turn, and she suddenly appeared in front of him, but next to her stood a spirited and energetic youth- the previous state rank one, and current top student of Tsinghua: Chen Jin.

They talked in a low voice, the same confidence and steadiness between their brows.

In that moment, he suddenly thought of a fitting description for them: two birds creating a tailwind for each other*.

Qiqi probably needed someone like that who would be able to fight with her.

He tried to pretend that he didn’t care, that he didn’t mind, but he knew deep down just how immature his auctions were. He didn’t even have the courage to face her and could barely stop himself from running away.

Just when he was the most lost, Qiqi decided to break up with him.

He told himself that it was the best ending for them, that they weren’t suited for each other, but every night, he would constantly be reminded of her. From his childhood to teenage years, her figure filled almost every page of his memory, and to rip away her figure was almost as if ripping away his entire youth. That destructive pain made it even more painful to let go of her.

His logic told him over and over again that Qiqi wasn’t happy with him, that she was always hesitating, struggling, angry, that compared to two people in pain, it was better for only one person to suffer.

But no matter how his logic analyzed it, he couldn’t cut off his emotions and he was still hesitant.

After arguing with himself some more, he decided to give himself one last chance. If he was able to get into the top ten for midterms, it would mean that there was still a chance for him to walk with Qiqi into the future, and he would never let go; but if he was still far, far behind her even after giving it his all, then it would be time to let go.

If he couldn’t have her, then he could at least give her his blessings and let her soar by herself without a worry.

Giving himself this one final chance, he went back to her and humbly begged her to come back to him.

The first thing she said secretly condemned him for his poor final results and his lack of self-control.

At that moment he was disappointed by her logic and her clarity, but at the same time, admired her for them. It was this girl that made him feel so much love and hate at the same time.

Qiqi came back to his side and he fought with everything he had. For the test, but even more so for their future.

Every time he saw her, his heart was filled with both joy and sorrow. Maybe after the midterms, he would have to let her go completely. This might have been the last time in his life that he could ever have her.

Because every day was their last, he tried to make himself happy, and make her happy, carefully protecting each sunrise and sunset.

When she looked at him, her eyes were still filled with suppressed sorrows. Maybe she was deciding between her future and love.

He knew that she didn’t want to give up anything for love. Guan He had said that she really looked down on Anna’s love in《Anna Karenina》, that she thought women should never place love as their top priority. He had read the book three times because of that. 

But then, even though he tried his hardest, he wasn’t even able to get into the top twenty.

On the day the results came out, he sat by himself next to the school pond for the entire night. Even if Qiqi was his entire youth and losing her meant losing all the happy memories he had, he still had to let her go.

Next to the bridge, he had wanted to break up with her, but he couldn’t help but kiss her.

He asked her, Will you remember me forever?

She replied, Come ask me again ten years later.

How he wished for a chance to ask her again after ten years, but ten years later, it would no longer be him standing next to her.

He didn’t have the courage to break up with her face to face and could only do it through letters.

That night, he wanted to vent out his pain. He wanted to go drink, to fight, but he knew that Qiqi would look down on him doing that.

He had to control himself.

He secretly went to Fourth Primary, sneaked into the empty classroom, sat down onto their original seats, and allowed himself to drown in his sorrow in the darkness.

That dumb little Qiqi, that little bad Zhang Jun.

She had once willfully held up her hat for him to shade him from the sun, not changing position for hours.

She used to stutter each time she saw him.

She would come to school in a new dress but hide behind others, walking close to the walls. He would compliment her on the dress, but instead of being happy, her face would flush and she would walk away and ignore him for days to come, and he would get so scared he stopped saying anything like that in front of her.

When he had finished watching a crime movie, he had told her, Let’s create a secret code between us. She had pursed her lips and not said anything, probably thinking that he was annoying, but he continued happily, breaking his surname into “Chang Gong” and her name into “Xi Si”, and told her that in the future they would use them as codenames. If she said, “Xi Si’s calling for Chang Gong, Xi Si’s calling for Chang Gong”, he would reply, “Chang Gong here, Chang Gong here.” He asked her to call him “Chang Gong” and she had laughed, but hadn’t said anything.

She had brought from home a huge packet of home-made beef jerky. He had asked her, “You’re eating all that by yourself? Is there any for me?” and she had glanced at him, not saying a word but taking out two pieces of paper and carefully dividing the jerky into two piles. He wanted to go take it, but she suddenly took hold of his hand to stop him. Before he had reacted, she retracted her hand as fast as lightning, her head almost touching the table, her two little hands busily taking out another piece of paper and placing onto it an even bigger pile of beef jerky from the two smaller piles.

“This is for Ms Gao. I had forgotten.” 

Her voice was as small as a ringing mosquito. He moved a little closer and asked, “What did you say? I couldn’t hear anything, just the humming of a little mosquito.” She had turned her head away towards the window and refused to speak. For that entire class, no matter what he did or said, she had kept her eyes away from him, but when he had finished his pile of jerky, she had pushed her pile over, her eyes still fixed on the questions and murmured, “Here, my teeth hurt.”

In middle school, even though they were no longer in the same class, he would often run into her, and every time he saw her, it was like looking in a mirror, forcing him to judge himself.

When he saw that her grades were going up, he felt like he couldn’t drop behind too much either, after all, they were both Ms Gao’s students and they went and got prizes together, so he would play around and still maintain his grades.

When he saw that even though she was constantly going to karaokes and clubs, she had never tried to follow the trends and was always just reading a book in her own little world, he had felt that even if everyone else saw drugs as the new trend, he should also refuse to touch them.

Qiqi had the courage to walk her own path. No matter how wild and colourful the girls arounds her were dressed, she was always able to walk through them in the drabbiest clothes, not caring at all what others thought of her. Every time he saw her like that, it was like a bucket of ice water, clearing his mind from the extravagance around him.

In those three years of middle school, if Qiqi hadn’t been around as a constant reminder, his grades would have long dropped, and he would have fallen to the people around him in one impulsive decision.

During high school, finding out Qiqi was in the class right next to him, he felt like even the heavens were helping him.

During military training, Qiqi had burnt her face. He asked Tong Yunzhu what he should do and gave her a bottle of sunscreen, yet she dumbly slapped it onto Song Peng’s table. He could only smile bitterly. 

When he was sick, Qiqi would secretly sneak out of her house to accompany him. Those were such happy times. He could hold her hand, talk to her and even kiss her. He knew that she was cautious so he was always careful to not cross the line, only daring to kiss her hand and cheeks, but those hidden desires would constantly keep him up at night. He had comforted himself, it didn’t matter, there was a lifetime before them!

A lifetime? They didn’t even have a tomorrow!

Zhang Jun slumped over the desk as his tears fell out silently.

In the dark classroom, there was no need to pretend to be strong, no need to mind that men shouldn’t cry, so he let all his sorrows flow out through his eyes.

He stayed in the classroom until midnight before returning home.

His brain was still filled with the past when Qiqi appeared in front of him like a miracle.

He felt as if he was in a trance, as if the times had yet to go by, that he was still the Zhang Jun who could sit next to Qiqi and work with her, and how he wished to move close to her and make her laugh and say, “I was only joking, let’s go pick up rocks from the river!”

But the Qiqi in front of her was filled with logic and control, her expression calm, her voice so clear and firm, not even a trace of the hysteria normal couples showed when breaking up.

He knew that given some time, she would be able to understand and accept their break up.

He took her home. Remembering that this was the last time he could ever walk her back, he felt like his heart was being cut up by knives. He had to tell himself over and over that if he loved her, he needed to stop dragging her down.

That short trip took him almost all of his self-control. The instant they arrived, he turned and left, not daring to stay a second longer. He was scared that he would return.

“Zhang Jun!”

He heard her cry but, he couldn’t turn back, nor did he dare to.

The breakup became a divide in his emotions.

Before, even though he had resented Qiqi for not loving him, he knew that it wasn’t something he could force.

Afterwards, he started to hate her.

After their breakup, he still had to try and control his longing for her, and every time he saw her, he would feel as if his chest was being crushed, yet she recovered immediately, playing around with her friends everyday, her smile as bright as ever, her studies never impacted.

He started going to school with Huang Wei. He knew well about the rumors surrounding them but childishly wished for them to be spread to Qiqi. He even used Huang Wei and pretended to bump into Qiqi by chance, making her see him together with Huang Wei. He had wanted to find even the tiniest trace that she had cared for him, but no! She was always so energetic, so spirited.

He had thought that after trying so hard, she would at least feel a little bit of sorrow for his departure- if not for their love, then at least for their memories growing up. Had she never treasured the bonds between them? Had she never felt sad at losing him?

But she didn’t!

She started going to and from the school with Shen Yuanzhe, and every time he saw them, he had acted uncaring but his heart felt like it was about to explode. He couldn’t help but ask, Had Qiqi ever truly liked him? Maybe for Luo Qiqi, apart from her future and her studies, it hadn’t really mattered who it was that was standing next to her.

Qiqi’s life continued as usual, always getting first place in every test. She had grinned at all those asking and said, “Zhang Jun and I broke up, but we’re still friends.”

She was so reasonable, generous and understanding but he was disappointed. He had thought that his value in her heart was at least heavier than this.

The scene that broke his heart the most happened one week after their breakup.

The school held a meeting on studying tips and Qiqi stood in front of the entire high school division and introduced how she had studied. Everyone else read from a script whilst she walked up with no preparations at all, and underneath her disinterested face was a faint sigh of impatience. She really looked like Chen Jin. They didn’t care about outside glories because there was already a target in their heart.

He had watched her from underneath the stage, his heart filled with both bitterness and pride.

When the meeting was over, she was surrounded by a group of students from second grade, her face devoid of irritation. As he walked past her, he couldn’t even bare to look at her face and had to try his best to look away expressionlessly, but she smiled so happily, waved at him, and had called out so intimately, as if to her, he was just another friend- as if nothing had ever happened between them.

He felt like his heart had been stabbed.

She acted as if their past had never existed!

She was reasonable and courteous, so fine, he would play the role of the immature and impolite one.

His hurt grew to anger. He didn’t care how others might look at him, he had decided that he was cutting all ties with her. Any occasions that Luo Qiqi might have attended, he avoided, so that they would never have to meet! He would get mad at anyone who so much as mentioned her name to him, letting everyone around him know that Luo Qiqi was taboo. His actions clearly told everyone that yes, he was hurt! Everything, just so he could stay away from her.

From then on until graduation, he never saw her again and never heard a thing about her. He used all his might to lock her completely away from his world.

This time, he made up his mind to completely forget her!

From then until university, until he left his hometown, he had only met her twice.

Once was the graduation celebration in which Luo Qiqi had been dragged into becoming one of the hosts. He had kept his head lowered and refused to look at her, talking with other people, refusing to listen to her voice. The ceremony had barely started before he had already slipped away without anyone noticing. What she did that night, what she said that night, it all had nothing to do with him! He didn’t even see what she was wearing.

The last time he saw her was when after the admission letter had come out, when he went for a jog in the morning and saw her on the way back. He had wanted to turn away but seeing her standing on the bridge in the light rain, throwing away pieces of rocks, a faint sorrow on her face, he was suddenly unable to move. He even felt the illusion that Luo Qiqi was sad for him.

But once again, he over-thought it. Luo Qiqi only looked at him silently before turning away and leaving.

He watched as her silhouette slowly disappeared amidst the rain and thought, from now on, she would fade completely from his life, and he would no longer be able to touch her world. All he could do was to wish her happiness and for another man who would be able to fly with her.

It turned out his attempts at hate were all because of love.

He was sad, but he would never regret loving her, or hating her.

Zhang Jun returned home, his thoughts still disturbed.

The gates of memory were opened, and released from it was something he could no longer control.

Opening the computer, he started searching for the song. He wanted to know what it was called.

《Light》by Rene Liu.

He pressed the play button. The song sounded, and with that first impression, it sounded even more heart wrenching.

As the tide of people ebbs and flows,
Those fierce romantic days seemed like centuries ago,
You appeared for just a second, and I’ll remember it for a lifetime,
What is with my emotions?
Such a brief joy, so why do I maintain
That it was the most unforgettable part of my life?

Zhang Jun leant against the chair and listened.

He had so firmly believed that he had forgotten them all, but he had only hidden those memories away within the depths of his mind. Time and age might bury it in dust, but it would always be right there, waiting.

After all those years, he asked himself for the first time: Just why couldn’t he forget?

Maybe it wasn’t just because those years had carried his youthful laughs and sorrows, his childish sincerity and clumsiness, his successes and failures. If she hadn’t been there, maybe his Gaokao results wouldn’t have been as good and he wouldn’t have been able to choose from the courses and schools that he liked- she had allowed him to understand what it meant to chase after a dream, and to realize it. If such a young girl was able to keep standing upright for a dream, what was stopping him? That was why he had refused to continue his father’s business and insisted on doing landscape design, and why he was able to keep going after every failure, enjoying the joy of success after struggle, and finally understanding the true meaning of a sense of accomplishment.

The light she had left behind in his heart made his own life become even more brilliant.

Love her, and make yourself better!

His phone vibrated from an incoming text.

He wasn’t in the mood to answer, but they were stubborn and kept texting him. On the sixth time, he picked up his phone. It was an unknown number.

“Is this Zhang Jun?”

Six consecutive messages, all with the same message.

He replied, “Yes, and you are?”

“I’m Guan He. I hope you still remember me. I have something I need to tell you.”

Zhang Jun was surprised. “Of course I remember. I’m not very used to texting, let me call you.”

The call was still connecting when a new message arrived. “Then you must still remember Luo Qiqi?”

Zhang Jun didn’t know how to respond to this message, and even more so whether or not he should still call her. He stared blankly ahead of him. The computer speaker was playing, “You came for a second, I remember for a lifetime.”

Obviously, Guan He didn’t need his answer as a new message arrived. “On your birthday in the second grade of high school, Qiqi gave you a bottle of lucky stars. Did you see the words in them?”

Now, he no longer had the courage to press call. It was as if it was the only way he was able to keep himself within a safe circle. He sent a text back. “What do you mean?”

“So you haven’t. If you haven’t thrown them out yet, go open one of them up.”

He still couldn’t understand her words. Another message. “If you’ve already thrown them out, then pretend I didn’t say anything.”

“What do you mean?”

“My meaning’s very clear.”

Zhang Jun stared blankly at the phone for a long time when he suddenly jumped up and hurriedly walked into his bedroom.

He took out a black small suitcase from the lowest layer of his wardrobe. There was a small lock on the suitcase, the key to which he threw outside his window many years ago. He had never opened the suitcase all these years but had moved it over the instant he moved houses.

He found a piece of wire, sat on the ground and began to pick the lock.

He hadn’t done it in many years and the gestures were long unfamiliar to him, but this lock was fairly easy to pick and it opened after a bit of struggle.

The box was filled with miscellaneous items. He still remembered the day Qiqi had smiled and waved at him casually, and how he had wanted to throw out everything to do with her the instant he came home. He had already packed them all into a box and had been standing in front of the rubbish bin, but took them back in the end and had found a suitcase to stuff everything inside.

He started taking them out one by one.

First, several dinosaurs from the Beijing Planetarium. He had wanted to keep them as a memorandum for Qiqi, but she had never liked getting presents from him so he had never dared give them to her.

Second, the box of the heart necklace she had refused. Guan He had picked it up from the rubbish bin and returned it to him.

Zhang Jun smiled bitterly. Fate had been hinting at the end from the very beginning, but he had refused to believe it.

Third, a beautiful photo album filled with photos of him and Qiqi in Qingdao. She hadn’t wanted to take any pictures, so he had to ask Master Zhen and Master Jia to take as many sneak photos as possible. All of them were taken from behind her, so even though they looked a bit strange, they were very natural. When he was putting the album together, he was even sweetly dreaming of taking it out when they went on their honeymoon in Qingdao to scare her.

Zhang Jun flipped it open and immediately closed it again.

Finally he found the glass bottle containing the lucky stars she gave him, even though he had never been lucky.

Opening the bottle, he took out a small handful of lucky stars and observed them carefully. He suddenly understood what Guan He had meant.

He picked up a green lucky start and opened it carefully.

As he was opening it, he saw that there were tiny words on the paper. His breathing sped up but he forced himself to slowly flatten the paper slip.

“I heard that you confessed to Guan He, so I decided to ignore you. I thought that as long as I didn’t talk to you, I could stop liking you.”

Zhang Jun immediately opened another lucky star. 

“When I was standing on the pingpong table, I was the most afraid of seeing you. You didn’t appear and I was really happy.”

“During my speech, I saw you, and even though I knew it was impossible, I still wished you came to see me.”

“Let me tell you a secret- I don’t like picking up rocks. I only like picking up rocks with you.”

“You fell asleep on the big rock so I covered the sun for you with my hat. As long as you’re sleeping, I’m willing to cover the sun for you forever.”

“Let me tell you an even bigger secret. I really hate it when you talk with Guan He.”

“When I’m happy and when I’m not, I write 长弓*’ on a piece of paper. That way, it’s like you can experience the emotions with me.”
(*These two character combined together make up Zhang 张)

“The first time I started liking you was on that day when it hailed, and you said that you would protect me.

Zhang Jun didn’t understand. Qiqi started liking him since primary school? He read those slips again. She ignored him not because she knew that he was the one who stole the fountain pen, but rather because she thought that he liked Guan He.

But why did she lie to him?

In that moment of sudden realization, it was as if a bomb that had been hidden underneath the cover of time had suddenly exploded. The thick layers upon it hadn’t decreased its strength at all, but rather made it expand, revealing the pain he had hidden away into the deepest corners.

But underneath that pain was an overwhelming joy.

His heart was thumping loudly in his chest, his hands shaking. Qiqi, my dearest Qiqi, did you truly love me that deeply? Zhang Jun, you’re such an idiot, why couldn’t you understand that the softest corner was always hidden the deepest?

Zhang Jun was unable to keep opening them. He grabbed his phone and called Guan He.

There were ten years of separation, but he wasn’t in the mood for chatting. “How did you know there were words in the lucky stars?”

Guan He was surprised. Even though she had hoped that Zhang Jun hadn’t thrown out Luo Qiqi’s gifts, it was only a small hope. After all, even she had heard of some of Zhang Jun’s love affairs in the past few years. “I’ve known since eleven years ago. Qiqi had told me secretly.”

Zhang Jun was silent. A while later, he forced a sound out of his throat. “Why did you only tell me now? Why not back then?”

Guan He didn’t say anything.

Zhang Jun slowly regained his senses and asked, “Why are you suddenly telling me this?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it was because I received a letter from her and suddenly wanted to know if you still remembered her.”

Zhang Jun wanted desperately to brush over it, and lightly say “Of course I remember, she was one of my girlfriends,” but he couldn’t make out the words.

“Since you’ve kept the gift she gave you, I’ll tell you another thing- Luo Qiqi’s back and these days, she’s back at where we grew up.”

Zhang Jun’s heart sped up and he forced his voice back to neutrality. “Do you have her phone number?”

“I only have her email address, but the world is a small place. She has friends, and you also have friends. If you truly wish to find her, it shouldn’t be hard.

A few words from a separate conversation came through the phone. Guan He said, “I’m going to hang up.”

“Yes, and about just then… sorry! No matter what, thank you for telling me that there were words inside those lucky stars. They were really important to me.”

Guan He was silent for a while. “Thank yourselves. If Qiqi had already forgotten about you and me, she wouldn’t have written to me. If you had already forgotten about her and thrown away those memories, it wouldn’t have mattered even if I told you.”

Guan He finished and hung up.

Zhang Jun stood dumbly for a while before suddenly running outside. At the doorway, he turned back again, stuffed everything back into the box messily, and carried it downstairs.

An eight hour car trip later, he returned to where he grew up in the early morning.

When he arrived though, he started feeling a little confused. Just what was it he wanted to do?

Tell Qiqi, I misunderstood you? I didn’t break up with you because I stopped loving you? I lied when I said that my love had been wasted away?

Because of their pride and clumsiness, they had an abundance of mistakes and misunderstandings between them, but after all the years that had passed, those misunderstandings no longer felt so important. 

He parked his car underneath his house and sat silently.

When he had opened up his lucky stars, it was as if time had been shortened so that their arguments and breakups were only yesterday, and the ten years in between no longer existed. It had been as if should he have just rushed back to that intersection in time, he would have been able to get back all those lost times and redo the mistakes of his youth, but when that impulse faded, he realized that the past was long gone, and the future – there was no future! They could no longer turn back, nor could they continue on!

He sat there for a long time. Taking out a cigarette, he lit it, and as he smoked, he slowly drove the car from one street to another.

Fourth Primary School, where they went together, and First High, the cinema they had gone to, her former house, the roller skating rink…

He had returned here many times in the past, but each time he was in a hurry. Now that he thought about it, this was the first time he was truly revisiting the past. 

With the appearance of each new place, all the memories he had deliberately locked up flowed through his brain like a movie, each scene as clear as if they were from yesterday.

From noon to afternoon, he walked over every place they had once gone to, half fearful, half hopeful, searching for her amidst the crowd. Even he didn’t know if he truly wanted to see her.

He searched for an entire day but still, he didn’t find Qiqi.

He wasn’t sure what he was feeling in his heart. All he could feel was an overwhelming tiredness that was crushing him to the point of oblivion.

He parked his car next to her favourite river and slumped over the steering wheel.

Truthfully, what would happen if he did find her? What was the difference between seeing her and not seeing her?

Who knew if she was already married, or had a boyfriend?

Even if she was still single, the paths they walked were completely different. What could they say to each other apart from a “hello”? All those misunderstandings and apologies had been washed into nothing by time.

What could he tell her? All these years, whether literally or metaphorically, he had been covered in layers upon layers of dust that could not be washed away. Ten years was long enough to shape them into two perfect strangers. He was no longer that careless young boy from all those years ago, and the flow of time, the flow of life, had numbed him to such a degree that he didn’t even have the courage to jump into the river of time to search for her.

The past was for remembering, not for seeking.

He knocked his head on the steering wheel heavily over and over, as if that way he would be able to knock away the past ten years.

Zhang Jun lay on the steering wheel for a long time until the setting sun dyed his window red.

He looked up at the broken bridge in the distance. It was empty, and the sunset burned brilliant but desolate.

Today was almost over, and tomorrow, tomorrow was another day! 

He lit a cigarette and as he smoked, he opened the glass bottle containing the lucky stars.

“I really wanted to ask you who you liked better, Guan He or I, but I was too scared to be disappointed, and I was scared of you lying even more, so I didn’t have the courage to ask you.”

“You know, every time you asked me out, I had always wanted to say yes, but I didn’t have any money to give back to you so I could only refuse. When I become rich in the future, I’ll definitely say yes.”

“On my birthday, my wish was for you to love me forever. Will you love me forever?”

Zhang Jun couldn’t take it anymore. He left the car, walked up the small dirt hill next to the road, and gazed at the river.

It was the last splendor of the sunset, its warm colors splaying across half the sky, its reflection dying all the trees by the river a golden shade of orange. The river was shimmering with a little silver light, and the broken bridge lay lonely across the river, casting a graceful reflection onto the river.

Beneath the trees, on the other side of the river, there sat a woman wearing a white, oversized t-shirt and a pair of blue jean shorts. She was bent over, washing rocks with the river, and when she was done washing one, she would wipe them dry with her t-shirt before placing them in a metal box next to her.

The sunset and the glimmer of the river met each other, turning the thin silhouette of the woman into a warm and fuzzy outline. Her face was unclear, like a gentle dream forgotten by time itself.

Zhang Jun’s body froze and the cigarette slid from between his fingertips to fall to the ground.

Qiqi suddenly raised her head and looked to the other side of the river. Zhang Jun immediately crouched down and hid himself behind a bush. Even he didn’t understand why he made such a childish reaction.

Qiqi’s eyes slowly went over the distant shore before she lowered her head and continued washing the rocks. 

Tears slowly brimmed his eyes. He wanted to control himself but he couldn’t no matter what he did. He pressed his palms onto his eyes, but was unable to hold back all the bitterness and could only let his tears wet them.

At nineteen, he had hid by himself in their primary school classroom and cried for her on her seat, but she would never find out that a young man had shed tears for her. 

At twenty-nine, he cried for her once again. This time, would she know?

Ten years later, they were once again standing at the bridge from their youth, one above the bridge, one below.

But the distance between them was no longer that one bridge. There was the entire Pacific Ocean, ten years of experience and life.

Zhang Jun was no longer nineteen, and Luo Qiqi was no longer seventeen. They were both no longer the person that had loved deeply in their memories, they weren’t even able to decipher just who it was they longed for. Was it the person, or just that innocent and sincere youth?

So what if we met again? That new you was no longer the person you were before, and that familiar countenance would only highlight the cruel flow of time.

---

Vera’s Notes:

*比翼齐飞. Neither of us knew how to translate this one, but directly it means ‘flying together wing by wing’. It’s used to describe two people working towards the same goal in sync, and of a couple, ‘inseparable’. It can be used both romantically and platonically. Zhang Jun was describing Luo Qiqi as something like ‘two birds of a feather’, but I didn’t really want to use such a standard metaphor for a rather exotic/poetic Chinese one, so here I am… 

Song lyrics are incredibly hard to translate. I have to rely entirely on Luci’s lyrics and just arrange the words in a way that hopefully sounds poetic enough… 

Zhang Jun really likes comparing Qiqi to a bird by the way, so here are some bird related descriptions for them:
Zhang Jun felt like he was being falcon-punched in the gut as he watched Qiqi talk to Shen Yuanzhe.
Sometimes, Zhang Jun felt like Luo Qiqi was a duck, and Zhang Jun was just water rolling off of her back.
Zhang Jun laid down like a swan ready to die after the untimely demise of their mate, head raised at the sky, unaware that on the other side of the town, Luo Qiqi was doing the same.
Zhang Jun felt like a flea, hanging on desperately to Luo Qiqi’s feathers, hoping the next dust bath wouldn’t shake him off.
They were most apt to be eagles, showing their prowess in a death spiral that led them freefalling closer and closer to the ground, neither willing to let go to try and prove their worth as a mate.

One more chapter to go, everyone! Who here is ready for the return of Xu Xiaobo!

Previous Chapter|TOC|Next Chapter

V3C19: The Beauty of Forgiveness

On the basketball court, guys were fighting for the ball, sunned skin emanating vitality. Even the occasional swear brought a smile onto the onlookers; that was that unique attitude of the youth.

Next to the court, there were groups of girls in threes and fives, shouting and clapping as they watched the running figures on court.

Luo Qiqi smiled as she watched them. Would they lie too? Even though she only cared about him, she would cheer for another after all. Though she was just sending over a drink bottle, it quickly turned into a spy mission as she tried to avoid everyone else’s attention.

A ball rolled over to her feet and a boy jogged over to grab it. As she bent over, she was suddenly reminded of a scene from long ago, the scenes overlaying. It felt like when she rose, she would see Zhang Jun standing there, and as she passed the ball over, she would know that he missed the ball on purpose, just as he would know that she knew, his eyes filled with happiness like he had the sweetest secret in the world.

But no.

The boy who looked at her and not the ball was no longer there; it was the same court, the same cheers, the same ball, but divided by a decade of time.

She passed the basketball back to the unfamiliar student who smiled in thanks before running back onto the court.

Luo Qiqi silently left the court and the school grounds. 

As she walked past the school gates, the young security guard waved at Luo Qiqi. “Work’s finished? You’re leaving pretty early today.”

“Yeah, I have to go home early to cook.”

Luo Qiqi stood outside the school gates and looked at the busy flow of cars and people. She was suddenly hit with a pang as she remembered that the last time she had stood here was ten years ago. Was it because of the passing people or those passing days? She didn’t know.

She turned around. The sunset lit up the school gates as students walked out in groups of two and three. Two girls in high school uniforms pushing their bikes chatted about where they would meet up that night.

Luo Qiqi stared at them until they were out of sight.

Were they truly friends, or was it just pretense? Would they appreciate each other but envy each other at the same time? When they reminisced about their youth ten years laters, would they recall each other warmly or bitterly?

Qiqi hailed a taxi to the hotel and the instance she stepped indoors, called Yang Jun.

“When are you arriving in Beijing?” Yang Jun asked. “I’ve already cleaned the house for you. I’m just waiting for you to come so we can chat.”

“I’ll be there in a few days. I need your help for something.”

“Then speak!”

“I know you’re still pretty close with the people from our school, so is it possible for you to help me get Guan He’s contacts?”

“No problem. She was in Class 4 right? I have a bunch of friends from that class, I’ll call you after I find it.”

Qiqi didn’t have a phone and she didn’t dare go out to eat in case she missed the call, so she ordered room service and watched TV as she waited for the call.

It was almost three hours later, at around eleven, that Yang Jun called back.

“Guan He stopped contacting her high school friends after graduating. I asked a bunch of people who asked others, and we only managed to come up with an email address that might not be in use. Send an email through first, if it doesn’t work, I’ll try to think of something else.”

“Thank you.”

“Stop pretending to be polite. Have fun and take lots of photos. We’ll talk more when you get to Beijing!”

“Mhm.”

After she hung up, Qiqi immediately opened the computer and logged onto her email, but she stared dazedly at it.

Back then, she had been young and carefree, only looking forward and not understanding what Guan He was really thinking; that the letter she had wrote had been begging for forgiveness with deep, deep regret, but she had been too prideful to say it and placed herself in an unforgivable position, as if that way, when there was no chance for forgiveness, she wouldn’t have needed it from Luo Qiqi. If she truly didn’t care though, why would she have kept her company on the day of the Gaokao rankings? Why would she have written that letter explaining herself?

For Qiqi, not replying was her way of leaving behind past misdoings, but for Guan He?

Qiqi didn’t know if Guan He would still look back on her youth. If she still remembered, then seeing others roller skating and the song ‘You Jian Chui Yan’ would probably only bring her bitterness, but back then, both of them had wished to carve those beautiful memories into their brain as a gentle bedtime story for their daughters. 

Qiqi started typing.

Guan He,

This is Luo Qiqi. This is a letter that has been late for many years, and maybe there’s no point in doing this anymore, but if I don’t, I doubt I will ever be at peace.

When Zhang Jun wanted us to break up, I pretended not to have cared and forced down my sorrows by laughing and fooling around, but there was already in my heart a hatred towards him that even I didn’t realize. I hated that he betrayed my feelings, that he stopped liking me, that all his promises were now lies- that was why I would smile at him as if nothing had happened, go home together with Shen Yuanzhe, and let everyone believe that Shen Yuanzhe and I were dating. I used my actions to tell him that I didn’t care whether or not he liked me, that without him, I was happier, that there were other people left to care for me even if he was gone.

But, those emotions which were forced down were never released and they festered with time. The more I wanted to forget, the more I was unable to forget, but I didn’t have the courage to turn back so I could only keep walking forwards.

These past few days, I returned to where I grew up, sitting in the school grounds and reminiscing about what had happened. I realized that somehow my resentment and grievance had gradually calmed down. 

It’s true that you had something to do with my break up with Zhang Jun, but at the same time, it had nothing to do with you. Maybe you wouldn’t have been able to understand ten years ago but I’m sure that you can understand now- the love of youths is always so sincere but clumsy and that immaturity would always cause someone to get hurt. As we get older, we learn how to deal with love more and more maturely, but that sincere and clumsy first love can only happen once, so as time flies, all of the pain will be gradually forgotten, leaving behind only the sweetest memories. 

These past few days, the more I thought about it, the more I was sure that Zhang Jun had truly loved me with all his heart. To have been loved by him like that, I was truly lucky. Losing him was because I had also loved him back clumsily and my pride, my stubbornness and sensitiveness had hurt him. It  had nothing to do with you.

Guan He, there’s no need for you to take the blame for Zhang Jun and I breaking up. Please forgive yourself.

I also want to tell you a secret: I didn’t only appreciate and love you back then, I was also jealous of you, very, very much. I had many dark thoughts and even though no big mistakes were made, there was no difference between us.

We aren’t angels and we aren’t perfect, but we still need to love our faulty selfs. 

I sincerely wish that you can live happily, because you will always be the most special someone in my heart. 

Always,

Luo Qiqi.

After pressing send, Qiqi smiled at the screen, hoping that when Guan He received this letter, she would also smile knowingly. From now on, when they reminisced about the past, there would still be melancholy, but only about how fast time had flown by.

That night, she slept peacefully.

The next day, she started searching for Ms Gao’s contacts.

She had sent Ms Gao a Happy New Year card in University but afterwards, they had somehow lost contact.

It shouldn’t have been difficult getting her hands on Ms Gao’s contact details. When she was in high school, Ms Gao’s husband was already the vice principal of a TAFE, and now his position could only be higher. It might have been difficult finding a civilian, but looking for an official was more than easy.

As expected, she was able to get the office number of Ms Gao’s husband without much difficulty.

She dialed the phone number. “Excuse me, is this Director Wang?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Hello, I’m Luo Qiqi, a student of Ms Gao…”

She had yet to finish speaking when the other side laughed heartily. “Luo Qiqi, province number one, graduate from Tsinghua?”

“Yes, that’s me.”

“Gao Hui will be so happy. I’ll give you her phone number so you can contact her directly.”

“Yes, thank you.”

Luo Qiqi sat silently for a while, calming down her nerves, before dialing Ms Gao’s mobile. She was still uncertain on how she should begin when Ms Gao unexpectedly called out, “Qiqi, is that you? My husband told me you came back.”

“Ms Gao, it’s me.” Luo Qiqi’s eyes watered like a wandering child finally hearing the voice of home.

“Qiqi…” After confirming that it was really her, Ms Gao didn’t know how to continue. After some silence, she said, “I see that you’re calling from a landline. Where are you?”

“I’m in a hotel.”

Qiqi told her the name and address of the hotel and after some discussion, they decided to meet at a western restaurant where they would be able to drink some coffee and chat a little before eating dinner together. 

Qiqi arrived at the restaurant half an hour before the planned time. Not long after, a short haired woman walked in, her body plump but her smile still very bright.

Luo Qiqi stood up immediately. With her deeply rooted respect for her teacher, her habitual smile faltered and she stood there, nervous, like a little girl.

Ms Gao looked her over as usual, as if inspecting if she was wearing any nail polish or jewels.

Ms Gao told Qiqi to sit and frowned. “You’re so thin. What do you eat everyday? I heard that you went overseas, was the food not to your liking? Is your body alright? Do you exercise frequently?”

Luo Qiqi chuckled. The shrewd and tough Luo Qiqi was still just a little kid who didn’t know how to take care of herself in Ms Gao’s eyes.

She gently asked about her current situation.

Ever since Ms Gao had a child, her body grew frail and she retired from the frontline of education. Now, she was working in the Department of Education, and she had a six year old son who was learning piano. Her main job right now was to somehow convince her son to practice a bit more.

Qiqi was happy. To know that her most respected, most indebted to person was living a good life brought her the utmost happiness.

Qiqi and Ms Gao chatted until well past nine in the night before parting reluctantly.

As she left, she told Ms Gao very solemnly, “Thank you, Ms Gao. If it weren’t for you, my life would be completely different.” This was the first time Qiqi had spoken out her thanks towards her. Ten years later, she had finally understood that one had to speak out what was in their heart for others to know.

Ms Gao was unused to such direct thanks and changed the subject hurriedly, but it was obvious that she was extremely excited. To have a student feel gratitude towards her, to have a student’s life be changed because of her, that was perhaps the most glorious achievement in her life as an educator.

Qiqi was really happy she had finally told Ms Gao about all her gratitude.

Returning to the hotel, the first thing she did was check her inbox.

There was no reply, but whether it was because Guan He hadn’t checked her emails yet or if the code was no longer in use, Qiqi wasn’t sure. She couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed, but after another thought, she decided that as long as she tried her best, she would somehow manage to contact Guan He, so there wasn’t any hurry.

After showering, Qiqi placed her cardboard box onto the bed and stared at it blankly. Inside that box contained all the laughter and the tears from her childhood.

Ten years ago, she locked everything away in pain and resentment, even wishing for herself to never remember these memories again, firmly believing that she would definitely come to meet more outstanding and fantastic people in the future. Ten years later, after the trial of time, she started to understand that those were the most beautiful things she had ever possessed in her entire life.

Xiao Bo had long forgotten her, Zhang Jun had long stopped loving her, but they had both treasured her greatly, and that was the most important part.

She fell asleep sometime during that night and when she woke up the next day, she couldn’t help but laugh: she had slept by the box the entire night.

She put on her contact lenses and added some light makeup. A suspender dress, a beige wide-brimmed hat, a comfortable pair of sandals and a beige tote-bag; Luo Qiqi looked at herself in the mirror, nodded in satisfaction and walked gracefully out.

She went to where the karaoke bar had once been and as expected, it was completely gone. Even the shops around it had been removed into a neat row of street food stalls.

Luo Qiqi walked and looked around, occasionally buying a snack or two until she arrived at the end of the pedestrian zone.

Outside, there were many taxi drivers waiting by the side of the road, asking if she needed a cab. She shook her head politely and followed the half familiar, half unknown road.

She got lost a few times but after some detours, she was able to get back on track. About two hours later, she arrived at where the night club was located.

Everything was changed. “By the Waterside” was gone.

It was as expected though, so Luo Qiqi didn’t feel too much disappointment as she slowly walked with the crowd, smiling as she looked over every corner, even if she couldn’t get rid of that one lingering sense of melancholy in the depths of her heart. The people of old would sigh about how things remained whilst people were gone, but they didn’t know that the biggest sorrow was for both things and people to be gone. It was so hard nowadays to have anything to hold a memory to.

The three words “By the Waterside” jumped into her vision without any warning.

In that moment, her breathing almost stopped.

A moment later, she recovered herself. It was the same name, that was all. The “By the Waterside” in front of her was an Ancient Chinese looking bookshop, not the drunken night club, but she still couldn’t help but pull open the glass door, lift up the bamboo curtains and walk inside.

A room full of coolness, a completely different world from the outside.

Maybe it was because of the time, or maybe the business simply wasn’t good, but there weren’t many customers in the shop and the two shop assistants also had a lazy aura about them, only smiling a little when they saw her come in.

Luo Qiqi looked around her as she walked. The bookstore was renovated to resemble little pathways in a Chinese garden, utilising the bookshelves to create several private areas. Apart from the randomly placed greenery, there were no other decorations. 

Unlike the bookstores which commonly sold literary novels, this store also had many books on financial management, and even some on boring microeconomics.

What surprised Luo Qiqi the most was that in the most innermost room of the bookstore, there was a pool table. The light had not yet opened, leaving the room in darkness as if it were from another world.

She walked over, picked up a cue, and spun it unconsciously, memories flooding into her brain.

The waitress opened the switch and the light on the pool table lit up, cutting into the image in her mind. The girl smiled. “If you need anything please call for me.”

“Can you please give me a cup of green tea?”

“Of course.”

Luo Qiqi bent down, aimed and shot. All the billiard balls dispersed on the table. The skills Xiao Bo taught her, she still knew them.

After a bit of pool, the waitress carried the green tea and placed it on the round table in the corner. “Your tea is here. Please enjoy.”

Luo Qiqi asked lightly, “What’s your boss called, do you know?”

The girl smiled apologetically. “I’m not sure. Ms Wang does the managing here, but the real boss is her husband’s friend. He sometimes comes to play pool.”

“What does he look like?”

“About something, not very tall, about five foot eight, very elegant…” The girl laughed. “Ah, I can’t explain very well but he’s a very energetic person.”

“Does he have a tattoo on his back? You’d be able to see it during summer.”

The girl focused and thought a little. “Oh, yeah, there is, but I don’t know what it’s of.”

“Do you have his number?”

The girl smiled. “How could I have it?”

“Then is Ms Wang here?”

“She’s not.”

“Do you know when she’ll come?”

“She normally comes in the mornings but sometimes also comes after the store closes. Brother Di – Ms Wang’s husband – also comes here to play pool.”

Brother Di? Right, Wu Zei’s surname was Di. Qiqi thought a little and suddenly remembered that the Enchantress’ surname was Wang, but what was her actual name? She couldn’t remember. It turned out that even she had been changed completely by the flow of time. 

“Maybe come back tomorrow. Ms Wang always comes here for a while in the mornings,” the girl said.

Luo Qiqi smiled and nodded. “Thank you.”

Bending down to play pool, she thought to herself, confused, Why a bookstore? Was he still not able to let go of the fact that he wasn’t able to go to university even after all these years?

An image and a few exchanges suddenly popped up in front of her.

In Li-ge’s office, Xiao Bo had scolded her for the first time, telling her to not do things impulsively, and that she needed to take care of herself. He had smiled and asked her, “Qiqi, what do you want to do in the future?”

“Mhm… mm… I like reading, so maybe I can open a small book store, and read as I earn enough money to make a living.”

In that moment of understanding, Qiqi felt as if a thousand fireworks were blooming in front of her, lighting up her entire world. She felt as if her body was exploding from happiness.

He didn’t forget! He didn’t forget!

Caught off guard, drops and drops of water fell onto the pool table, leaving behind many dark green stains. Luo Qiqi held up her body with the table, her head lowered and allowed the tears to fall freely, her mouth in a smile. He still remembered me. Xiao Bo remembered me!

Xiao Bo had never once forgotten her!

She helped him realize a dream, so he also helped her realize one of her dreams. She carried his dream and soared whilst he kept her dream and waited patiently.

But, my dear Xiao Bo, why were you not willing to tell me? Why did you let me leave all those years ago with tears in my eyes?

Luo Qiqi took up the hand bag and walked to the cashier to pay.

“Can I leave a message for Ms Wang? Please give it to her as soon as you can.”

The shop assistant passed the change to Luo Qiqi. “No problem, I’ll call her.” 

Luo Qiqi picked up a pen and wrote on a message paper:

A beautiful little book store from a childhood dream. The dreamer had already forgotten it, but turning around suddenly, it had come true. 

Xiao Bo, tomorrow by the river, I’ll be waiting. ——Qiqi.

She had already given it to the shop assistant but she couldn’t help but worry, so she took the message paper back and added another sentence. I said I’ll be waiting!

Luo Qiqi held her handbag and exited the bookshop. The outside was the exact same unfamiliar scenery as before, but she no longer felt that nostalgia and couldn’t help but grin.

She had been to many countries in these past years, seen many views and experienced so many things, but the person with whom she wished to share all of them with hadn’t been there, putting a shade of grey on top of all the excitement. Tomorrow, she would tell him everything about the hardships and magnificence of those years. 

A married couple walked by her. The man kept a very short military cut and wore a sleeveless shirt that showed off his bulging arm muscles. Tattoos splayed from his back all the way onto his arms. 

On his shoulder sat a little boy who was grabbing his head, loudly shouting “Hiyah!”. Next to the man walked a beautiful woman with long, curly hair who was talking loudly into the phone whilst sparing a few glances at her son.

Luo Qiqi walked past them and slowly stopped her steps, but they continued walking.

QIqi turned and watched as they walked passed another store and stopped in front of “By the Waterside”. The man tossed up his son before catching him again amidst the laughter of the child and tucked the young boy under his elbow as he walked into the bookstore. The woman was still standing at the entrance of the store, speaking on the phone.

Across the crowd, Luo Qiqi stared at the Enchantress whose eyes glanced over her several times but never stopped.

Qiqi smiled. The Enchantress really did end up with Wu Zei! Just what had flowed past in this river of time was no longer important. That man who was together with the Enchantress that year maybe was just a relative, or a saving straw she grasped at in despair, but no matter who he was, she chose Wu Zei in the end. 

Luo Qiqi smiled a little at the Enchantress, turned and merged into the crowd. That passing joy was now all but gone.

If someone told Wu Zei and the Enchantress ten years ago that they would stand in front of Luo Qiqi without recognising her, they would definitely not believe them, but this busy, nuance-filled life had eventually faded what had once been their most unforgettable memory. But could she blame them? Didn’t she also forget their names? Was that not knowledge as well? The more you knew, the more you would forget.

For ten years, she had been clueless about Xiao Bo’s life, and maybe he had long stopped caring about her.

“By the Waterside” definitely had something to do with his past, but it wasn’t necessarily to do with her. Maybe it was merely him commemorating his passing youth.

As long as they had once been young, everyone would have one place in their heart reserved for their passing youth. At a certain point during the flowing times, a willful wisp of dejection would glance through their eyes; in front of a familiar scene, a nameless nostalgia would rise from their heart, but that dejection and nostalgia didn’t mean that they wished to reunite with those in their memories either. 

The past was far away, never to return; the friends of the past were all gone, remaining only beautiful in their memories.

Would Xiao Bo attend her riverside appointment?

She didn’t know.

That morning, after breakfast, Luo Qiqi put on a white T-shirt, a pair of short jeans, grabbed a bag, some water and bread and walked towards the river.

Last time she had left, she had believed that as long as she wished to, she could return anytime, but in the swift current of life, that one farewell had lasted for ten years.

An hour or so of walking later, she arrived at the small forest. Each tree had grown so big. In her memories, it was more of a small bush, but now it had truly grown to a little forest.

Qiqi walked and gently touched each passing tree.

Many years ago, there was once a white-shirted handsome boy standing there, waiting for his love. That young man had already been taken by the flow of time, but they were still here nonetheless.

Luo Qiqi crossed the thick forest and walked to the river.

“I’m back,” she whispered in her heart.

She placed down her bag, sat down by the river and stared at it. This was the place that she would always dream back to.

In those endless nights, she would often dream that she was back at the river. In her dreams there was Zhang Jun, Xiao Bo, Xiao Fei, and Guan He. They were all in the image of their youths, everyone laughing and talking, playing happily.

Sometimes, she would wake up from a dream, her heart filled with happiness only to realize seconds later, that they had all left her, just like her youth.

Qiqi sat silently for a long time. From her bag she took out a box signed with her name and hugged it tightly.

Ten years ago, she had readily left them behind her as she ran towards the future. Ten year later, she started to understand that it was impossible to cut away those memories. Whether painful or cheerful, they were all her treasures. Her life became full because of them, so this time, she would bring them along in her walk towards the future.

She opened the box.

The first thing that came into sight was a small plastic box with some dried up nail polish and some faded hair clips.

After the incident, Xiao Fei had snipped off all her hair and desperately dressed herself as a man, giving all her unused nail polish and hair clips to Qiqi.

Qiqi picked up the nail polish and fidgeted with it.

During the summer holiday of the second year of middle school, she would visit Xiao Fei everyday. They would sit on her sofa as they did their nails and Xiao Fei taught her to match the nail polish and clothing colours, they would whisper promises to each other, saying that they would go to the same university and would always be best friends, and Xiao Fei even mocked Qiqi for not having grand dreams, not knowing how to earn money, but would also say that it didn’t matter, that she would get all the money to take care of both of them.

Luo Qiqi whispered to the bottle, “Xiao Fei, where are you? I’m really cool now, you know? I can earn a lot of money so no matter what you have become, I’ll be able to take care of you.”

After graduation, Luo Qiqi gave up her job opportunity in Beijing to go to Guangzhou.

In a strange city, she had made new friends, and in her free time, her favourite thing to do was to go over every pub in Guangzhou, Shengzheng and Hong Kong. All the singers in these pubs were youths coming south in pursuit of their dreams, and there were many similar to Wang Zheng, but they weren’t him.

In the mornings, Luo Qiqi was the most serious and severe office worker, and during the night, she became the frequent party-goer. She would give generously and make a wide variety of friends, talking about all kinds of gossip.

From that small news, little by little, she dug out Wang Zheng’s story. He had sung in a pub, made a band with some people, and even recorded a failed song, but then, he vanished.

Everyone here was like this. They would suddenly pop up, using the coolest alibis, playing some music, talking about their dreams, but as years passed, their dreams would fade whilst their alcohol bills increased. Some would suddenly reach epiphany and leave, whilst others would drown themselves in alcohol until they rotted and morphed into the ghosts of the darkest corners of the city.

Wang Zheng’s disappearance wasn’t the worst ending, but where was Xiao Fei?

Luo Qiqi searched far and wide, into the hands of hell itself, but there was no news.

She had once stood on a bridge in Guangzhou at three in the morning and shouted towards the whole city, “Ge Xiaofei! You still owe me a kebab!”

Again and again at the top of her lungs she shouted, but the only response was a loud swearing asking after her ancestors.

This city was so lively, filled with voices every day and night, but she just couldn’t find the sound she was looking for.

A year later, she applied for financial management in Stanford under the suggestion of Chen Jin and left Guangzhou.

Luo Qiqi held the polish and buried her head in her knees.

There would always be some things in this world that would never have answers. Would Xiao Fei become a problem in her life with no solution? She didn’t know. All she knew was that she would carry her until her death.

A long time later, Qiqi finally placed the nail polish bottles back into the box and randomly picked up another object.

A white little plastic bag, kind of soft, its contents unknown.

Qiqi curiously opened the bag and saw a red dress with white dots. She covered her mouth and stared at it in shock.

She had kept this? Even she herself had forgotten!

She stood up, shook the dress out and looked it over carefully. So many years had passed but the dress looked as good as new. She held it up to her body and found that she could probably still fit in it as well.

Qiqi couldn’t help but do a few dance steps. If Xiao Bo was willing to see her, she would definitely put on this dress and ask him for a dance.

Unconsciously, she raised her head to look at the horizon. It was already afternoon but Xiao Bo still wasn’t there.

Would he come? She didn’t know.

Qiqi had a million reasons on why Xiao Bo would definitely come, but another million on why he definitely wouldn’t.

She had felt boundless anxiety at the question just last night, but now she had calmed down. Whether or not Xiao Bo came was his choice, but to wait or not to wait, that was her’s. All she could do was to make sure that she would have no regrets in the future.

Qiqi folded up the dress, bagged it with the plastic bag, and placed it back into the box. She closed her eyes and felt around the box.

Which memory would she pick up now?

A brown leather envelope.

Qiqi remembered that this bag held all the things to do with Zhang Jun, but she didn’t remember just what was actually in it.

The ticket to the Great Wall, the Summer Palace, the Qingdao reptilian zoo… On the Forbidden City ticket was written ‘student ticket’. The ticket to the Summer Palace was only fifteen yuan; it probably costed more than fifty yuan now.

A few movie tickets without the year, only the date. They were in blue, pink and yellow, and each colour had two tickets with adjacent seat numbers. Those were probably the tickets to the movies she and Zhang Jun went to see together.

Qiqi picked up the tickets and looked them over, but was still unable to remember which movie it was that they watched, what they did in the cinema, or what they said.

A primary school class photo. Zhang Jun stood in the middle of the last row with a shaved head, his mouth spread into a dumb smile. The girls stood in the first two rows, with her standing on the edge, her face blank, staring at the ground.

Luo Qiqi laughed a little. Was that awkward little girl really her? But her smile quickly faded as she realized that this was the only photo she had with Zhang Jun. There were so many chances to take photos in the summer camp but she had rejected all of them, there were a few group photos but they were all with Ms Xie. When they had gotten back to school, the teacher had completely forgotten about those photos and she didn’t really care back then.

Luo Qiqi held the photo, sadness clinging to her body in inky strings. Her happiest memories with Zhang Jun were in Qingdao, yet not a single photo remained because of her stubbornness and awkwardness. How could she have been that sensitive back then?

A christmas card devoid of any words related to love, probably for her sake, wishing her a Merry Christmas, but within that card was a small heart card, with “I’ll love you forever!!!!!!” written on it in English. The writer probably had felt that words weren’t able to express their feelings and added six exclamation marks behind it. It was childish, but full of sincerity. 

Luo Qiqi stared at the card blankly. Eleven years ago, she received this card. Eleven year later, she was finally able to understand the thoughts behind it and those exclamation marks. When she had received it, she had probably looked at it sweetly, not understanding the considerate and delicate thoughts of the sender. 

In front of Qiqi surfaced the image of a young man, focused solely on the card in front of him, carefully sticking the small card onto the bigger card, before absorbing the extra glue with a white piece of paper, keeping the card clean because this was the gift for a girl he had held in his heart…

In her life, there was once a boy who had loved her with all of his heart.

He had once sang to her, “No looking or seeking for anything, breaking the heavens only hoping to see you after a long night. A calm life, a peaceful life, only to see you at each dawn. What is fame, what is wealth, they are good, but in life, to see you each day and night, that is better. When all that surrounds me is wind, you become my root, not wishing to leave, only to stay, a love that shall never wither…”

That young boy was willing to fall for her, to become fascinated with her, to fail his exams, not caring at all about his future; that boy was willing to fight for her out of jealousy, not considering at all about his prospects; that boy thought of her as more important than himself and was willing to change himself for her.

However, his love was still wasted away in her inferiority, pride, and her willful, clumsy, stubborn nature.

Luo Qiqi’s eyes slowly moistened as she started to understand why she was still unable to forget Zhang Jun – that person who had long stopped loving her. What she wasn’t able to forget was not Zhang Jun, but rather, someone who had once loved her with all of their heart. What she was brooding about wasn’t that Zhang Jun had stopped loving her, but that there wouldn’t be another man who would love her like Zhang Jun did.

The sun slowly moved towards the west. Luo Qiqi sat by the lake, picking up pieces after pieces of memories, the beautiful and not beautiful, the reckless laughter and the suppressed tears.

But time would eventually gather all the pain and joy and turn them into the most beautiful star in our memories, gently watching over our life.

Because they had stopped and turned, our most beautiful youth was not the lonely hummings of a solo singer; because of their company and smiles, our most beautiful youth was able to bloom into the most magnificent sonata. 

Those who had cried and laughed with us were now long gone, maybe never to return, but the love and care they had left behind would never fade.

At the moment we turn back, they would be standing there, their brows still youthful, carved into our own, whilst our young faces would be forever carved into theirs as well. 

***

Vera: It… suddenly turned into third person..? This is according to the raws okay, I was confused too! By the way, guys this is last main chapter of the book! The story’s over! We might stick around to complete the two extras from Zhang Jun and Xiao Bo’s POV though so we’ll see next week!

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V3C18: Fleeting Years

I chose Qinghua’s management course in the end and my father helped me fill out the application form. Admission wasn’t a question.

Guan He went to Hangzhou, where her dad came from. She and her mom were probably both very satisfied, the instant the admission letter came, they left. 

The day after she left, I received a letter from her. Judging from the stamps, she had probably sent it out yesterday. When my father passed the letter on to me, he chuckled, “What kids! What can’t you say to each other? Didn’t you go to her house to say goodbye just yesterday?”

My dad was wrong. It was because we were no longer kids that we started acting fake and putting on a facade in front of each other.

For some reason, I didn’t really want to read this letter because it meant that there was something she couldn’t say to me in person, but in the end, I still opened it.

Qiqi,

By the time you’ve received this letter, I’ll have been long gone, and I know that I’ll never come back.

I remember in the first semester of third grade, when I had gotten my worst grades, my mother yelled at me, saying that I was a failure, that I disappointed her and dad and that if she had known how much of a failure I was, there was no point in sacrificing so much for me. I had felt so distressed that I wanted to kill myself, yet you ran along and told me that you were always jealous of me. I didn’t believe you at all, because it was always me who was envious of you.

Do you feel shocked? That was how I had felt!

You gave me a surprise, so I’ll return one- now we’re even!

Ever since I was young, my mom told me that I needed to try hard and become an outstanding child because she had sacrificed so much for me, and that everything she had done was for me. Under her strict pushing, I had always tried to reach her expectations.

Even though we were in the same class in primary, you were always so quiet. My only impression of you was that you were Ms Gao’s favourite student and that you were really good at maths. In middle school, I was surprised to see you win debates and public speaking competitions one after another, it was really difficult to relate the outspoken you to that quiet primary school friend. When I heard that you had a bunch of friends from the underworld, I also felt a tiny bit of envy because of my curiosity for this world which I had never been able to explore.

In third grade of middle school, we got separated into the same class. To be honest, I was both happy and despondent. To think that you were first yet I was second, I couldn’t deal with it and deliberately approached you, after all, didn’t they say ‘to defeat someone you must first understand them’? I was a faithful believer of that saying. And then, under my hidden pushes and prods, you finally accepted me as one of your friends. You lived your life freely, not caring at all whether or not the people around you liked you. You appeared cold and difficult to approach but were actually very true to your feelings, and for the first time, I lowered my pride and started to appreciate another girl.

Your rank as first was short lived and your grades ever since were always worse than me but I never thought that I was better because I knew that you never truly participated in this competition. It was always a single-sided battle. Back then, I really did admire you, and I really did like you. If only the future never happened, and my memories had forever stayed at those most beautiful moments.

After high school, I felt that you had changed. Studying no longer became pointless to you, and even though we weren’t in the same class, I still treated you as my enemy in every test.

You climbed up steadily until you reached the top.

Seeing someone who was once not as good as me slowly surpass me, and to see that distance which I knew I could never catch up, I went from refusing to admit to being forced to admit that I was indeed not as good as you. It was a painful process. In this process, the weight of our friendship became lighter and lighter to me whilst the weight of our rivalry became heavier. I started to become jealous. Jealous that you were better than me at studying, jealous that Zhang Jun liked you, jealous that you couldn’t care less, jealous that everyone watched you, that all the teachers were so nice to you, that even the primary school classmates, who had once liked me, would now only talk about you and ignore me.

Jealousy made me do many shameful things. At first, it was little moves like deliberately making you sing after me at Zhang Jun’s birthday party, because I knew that you couldn’t sing as well as me, but Zhang Jun made what was supposed to be awkward into something romantic. It turned out that you were now the spotlight of everyone’s attention, no-one cared about Guan He. My jealousy made me walk further and further down this path, and I started changing my target onto Zhang Jun.

I wasn’t the only one feeling pressured by how amazing you were, Zhang Jun was as well. You worshipped and believed in him so much that you ignored that he too would feel weak and uncertain in himself.

I talked to him about the pressures of studying, the frustration of failing, and he would comfort me because he felt the same. I even told him about my father, throwing down the weight of sympathy onto his scale and arousing his sense of protectiveness.

I also told him about what you said to me, that you didn’t believe in love, that you thought love was merely an illusion. I told him that your priority was studying, that you would never let anyone influence your grades.

Consciously and subconsciously, I played the role of the destroyer, but back then, I refused to admit it. I told myself that I was only looking out for Zhang Jun, that I had only told him the truth, but now, I don’t want to argue for myself anymore. I did try to destroy your relationship through these underhanded methods. 

In the end, in the face of his persistence and your honesty, I retreated. My pride made me feel disgusted to become someone like Huang Wei but under my splendid clothing, I was even worse than her. I didn’t even like Zhang Jun, I just wanted you to taste what it felt like to fail because I disliked you!

I had already lost the instant I started caring about success and failure, but I was so lost in that maze. When you told me that you had always been envious of me, not only because of my grades but also because of how I treated others, I suddenly realized how stupid my actions were. How could I become a failure of a person just because of my failing grades? My father was probably rolling in his grave right now.

I started to distance myself from you, and even more from Zhang Jun. I also began to retaliate when my mom yelled at me for failing, and told her that I was on the brink of suicide because of her. In the last days of third grade, I felt at peace, I didn’t even go see the rankings, I just asked myself, did I try my hardest everyday? If I did, then I would sleep soundly.

Zhang Jun broke up with you in the end. You both refused to talk about it so I don’t know the reason and I don’t know just what role I played in the process. I am truly sorry!

I don’t want to beg for your forgiveness and ask for us to continue being friends, I know that it would be impossible, and what’s done was done. Rather than forgiving, we might as well forget- so now let’s become strangers, take care of ourselves, and try our hardest!

Even though you won’t need my blessings, I still wish for you the most spectacular life!

Guan He.

I read the letter three times over, flipping it again and again, and could only feel forlorn, not a flicker of anger rising up in me. She didn’t need to ask for my forgiveness, after all, none of us were angels. She knew I was envious of her, but she didn’t realize the extent of my jealousy either.

I couldn’t help but wonder if Guan He wasn’t there, would Zhang Jun and I have still broken up? I could come to no answers because if there was never Guan He, then I would never have become me, and we would probably have never gotten together.

My parents got their annual holiday and decided to take my sister and I to where my mother came from to see our grandfather’s grave and thank him for my successful graduation. Afterwards, we would go to Beijing together, both to send me to school, and for tourism purposes.

They gathered up my sister and I for a family meeting, myself confused. The biggest thing of late was that I would be going to university soon, but what was there to talk about for that?

My father began, “These past two years, your mother and I have been trying to move ourselves back to Xi’an. A while back, I received a call from an old friend, so my job is basically settled. It’s a very good company and my position is also pretty good. There are still a few problems with your mom’s work, but I’ve discussed with your mom and we’ve decided that I’ll move back first, just in case we miss out on such a good opportunity, and after I’m there, I’ll hit up a few connections to open up more opportunities for your mom.”

My sister and I stared at each other. There was so much information with so little time and neither of us were prepared.

My mother continued, “We didn’t tell you two because we were scared that if things didn’t work out well, it would disturb your studies. Qiqi will be going to Beijing to study so this won’t affect her that much, so our main concern right now is how it’ll affect Ai-Ai’s studies. After some talk, we’ve decided that your dad will go first, so I’ll stay here with Ai-Ai and go to Xi’an after she’s done her Gaokao. Still, Xi’an is quite a big city with many good universities, so it would be a good opportunity for Ai-Ai if she could finish high school there. What do you think, Ai-Ai? Do you want to stay here or transfer to Xi’an?”

My sister appeared reluctant. 

“Qiqi has always been independent as a child, and she’s also very bright- we don’t want to restrain her so we’re letting her explore the world by herself. Ai-Ai on the other hand has always been the lazy child, not very bright, and you’re used to relying on us, so we think that you should go to university in Xi’an because it would be easier for us to take care of you,” she continued.

My parents and my sister discussed furiously whether it was better to stay here or to go to Xi’an.

I smiled. So this was the result of being smart, and independent, and strong. No one would think that there would be a need to ask about your feelings, no one would think about looking out for you because you were smart, you were independent, you were strong. Yi Shu had said that when a man loved a woman, he would think of her as a bit stupid and wretched; when he didn’t love a women, he would think her as smart and tough, not needing their care at all. This didn’t just apply to the relationship between a man and woman; it could be used in all relationships involving love.

I started packing up my things.

The people I wanted to forget about the most were Zhang Jun and Xiao Bo. I urgently wanted to lose everything I knew about them, they had already left so there was no point for me to stare at their silhouettes. But it wasn’t that easy, I was unable to just throw away everything that was related to them. 

I gathered up everything from Zhang Jun, the gifts he gave to me, the graduation photo from primary, and packed them all into a leather envelope before putting it into a cardboard box. I took everything related to Xiao Bo, the pinecone from the Great Wall, the rocks from Lao Shan, the map that was hanging on the wall, the lotus flowers we drew together and the Xiao Hu Dui CDs that he gave me and chucked them all into the box as well, as well as what Xiao Fei gave me, the letter Guan He wrote to me, the graduation message book…

Everything, everything that I wanted to forget, I sealed into the box, as if that way I would be able to push all the unhappiness beneath the flow of time, and it would stop hurting. 

I gave the box to my sister. “Can you keep this safe for me? If we move in the future and I’m not home, you’ll be responsible for moving this to Xi’an.”

Seeing that the box was completely sealed with calendar paper and tape with signed paper slips underneath, she was extremely unwilling. “Hmph! If you don’t trust me, then why would you give it to me?”

“You always like listening to my calls and reading my stuff. I’m giving you this but I don’t want you to look. Can you promise? Can I trust you this one time?”

My sister hesitated and said, “Fine, who cares about your books. But, as compensation for looking after your stuff, you need to give me pocket money after you start working.”

“No problem.”

With the promise of money, my sister placed the box carefully underneath her bed.

I looked around the house. Was there anything I wanted to take?

On the bookshelf stood silently the ‘Heavenly Sword and Dragon Slaying Sabre’ handwritten by my grandfather. I took them out and carefully wrapped them in a plastic bag. This was my first and most precious memory, I would take them and walk towards the unknown future. No matter what hardships I would be faced with, as long as I saw them, I would remember that I was once also deeply loved by someone.

I told everyone that I was tired and went to bed early. It was a very fitful sleep with many scattered dreams. I woke up at around six amidst the sloshing rain.

I grabbed a jacket and walked out without an umbrella, strolling in the light shower. 

By the flowing river, I gazed at its current for a moment before I crossed the bridge, walked past the small forest, and arrived near Zhang Jun’s place.

I didn’t dare to go near and watched from afar.

The morning glories in front of his place were blooming, a splendid masterpiece of white, pink and purple. 

Both intentionally and unintentionally, I hadn’t heard from him for a long time. I didn’t ask for information on which university he was going to, which city or which degree. Anything too specific meant yearning, but if I had nothing, there would be nowhere that attachment could spawn, and maybe it could slowly fade away and vanish.

The curtain was drawn up tightly at his window. I couldn’t tell if there was anyone in there.

Maybe he was still in that room, maybe he had already left.

The rain was light but after a while, my hair and jacket both became wet and my glasses were filmed with a layer of mist. I wasn’t able to see anything clearly so I took them off.

Slowly walking back, I stopped as I walked past the bridge.

I picked up many rocks from the ground and threw them one by one into the water

Just as I raised my hand to throw the last rock, I saw a boy wearing a black sports vest jog along the pathway. My hand stopped in the air.

Even though I wasn’t wearing my glasses, I would never mistake his figure.

He also saw me and slowly stopped his footsteps.

I knew that this was probably the last time we would ever meet, so I didn’t avert my gaze but rather stared right at him.

He walked through the drizzle towards me and stopped at a distance where we could both see each other, but not very clearly.

His hair was wet, small droplets of water clinging onto the tips of his hair, bringing about a layer of pearly light.

I was suddenly reminded of that boy who tilted the black umbrella towards me as far as he could. I remained perfectly dry, but his hair was drenched with water.

Sorrow hit me like the drizzling rain; it appeared to be nonexistent, but it was overwhelming and omnipresent. 

I threw the rock in my hand as hard as I could, turned, and left.

Call after me, please call after me. One light call of my name from you and I’ll turn back immediately and run towards you.

But nothing.

Following the path we took after tutoring in elementary, I went to Fourth Primary School. 

The plaque in front of the school gates was exactly the same as before, white background with black, bolded words.

Across the bars of the school gate, I gazed inside- colourful flower beds, white buildings, big mirrors with blue curtains, everything was exactly the same. It was almost as if the captain with three red lines on his arm was standing right there at the school gates, sternly checking if there was anyone not wearing a red tie, and then the tiny me, carrying my backpack, my head lowered behind everyone else, fearing any kind of attention.

I was so big already.

I walked down the street in front of the school gates. This place used to be very lively; there was a vegetable market on the right and shops lined on the left. The market was dismantled when I was in second year of high school and it was changed to an open plaza, the shop numbers dwindling as well.

When I saw the half taken down arcades, I felt both surprised and calm.

There was once a concrete ground in front of the arcade; Xiao Bo and Wu Zei filled it up themselves, but it was now filled with broken and shattered bricks and it was impossible to make out its original appearance.

I suddenly remembered about that one grape plant and ran between the broken and dislodged walls, bent down and looked everywhere underneath the bricks, but all I saw was a row of abandoned, wilted vines and bamboo sticks. The main root of the grapes was nowhere to be found.

I crouched on the ground, stared at my hands full of dirt and suddenly laughed. Xiao Bo took the grapes! Maybe it wasn’t for me but for Wu Zei, but they were still my grapes.

I laughed, but I felt tears threatening to fall out. The playful fights underneath the grapevines were as clear as yesterday, but in front of me, there were only broken bricks and dirt.

I crouched amongst the bricks. It was only when the workers arrived for their job and stared at me in shock that I realized that it was already past nine.

I stood up and hurriedly rushed home. When my mom saw me, her stressed expression became relieved and she complained, “Where did you go this early? We have a train to catch.”

I didn’t say anything and went to wash my hands immediately. 

The water poured down, forming a spiral at the drain. The brown, muddy water spun around with the scent of the past, but it was washed away by clean, new water, gradually disappearing.

Fleeting years, is that what it meant? That the new would flow in and the old would flow out, out of reach and out of grasp?

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V3C17: Golden State Rank

After the exams came the lonely days of boredom.

As I was making tea and preparing to read English, I suddenly realised that there was no need. When three years later this habit of mine was no longer needed, rather than feeling relieved, I felt a little disappointed.

I signed up to a summer art class, and this time, I was learning for myself. It was because of its colors that the world became beautiful and I wished I could have a pair of eyes better at capturing them.

A few days before the official release of our ranks, I received a phone call from the admission teacher of Peking University congratulating me on my score and inviting me to join. I finished talking with him in a daze, and it was only when I hung up that I realized I forgot to ask him just how well I had done.

My parents started getting excited. After all, it was the admission teacher himself personally calling me. That alone would prove my grades.

I called the class teacher who replied half happy, half sorry, “You’re first in First High and fifth in the state. The difference between you and the state rank one was less than ten marks.”

My parents started excitedly chattering to each other, emphasizing that we need to keep ourselves on the low and not tell everyone before they put out the board.

The next day, the admission teacher of Tsinghua also called, inviting me to go to Tsinghua. When he heard that a teacher from Peking had already contacted me, he enthusiastically presented to me the postgraduate policies in Tsinghua, emphasizing that Peking didn’t have those advantages.

The call from Tsinghua had barely ended when Peking called again.

My parents were overjoyed and saw whether I should go to Peking or Tsinghua as a dilemma. They had long discussions over it and even called my second uncle who was the vice principal in a key university to see which university was better.

I thought that their mentality was a little like they were marrying out their daughter, with Tsinghua and Peking the two suitable suitors, but this feeling of stress was accompanied with happiness.

On the day, Guan He’s mother called mine to ask to see them together. My mom wanted to go even though she already knew my results, and I didn’t want to stop her because she deserved it after all those years of raising me, but I told her to be careful when talking with Guan He’s mom.

Since our mothers had somehow become best friends, Guan He and I also went to see the results together naturally.

When we had arrived, the school gates were already surrounded by people. My mom dragged Guan He’s mom happily into the crowd.

Guan He and I sat on near the flower bed, gazing at the crowd of people, sometimes exchanging a few words.

The rankings weren’t released yet, but the news that I was fifth in the state had already leaked out. Many people came to verify the news and congratulate me.

Guan He kept up a smile as she talked to everyone but I knew that her mind was strained to the utmost.

I sighed. The most fearsome hour was the waiting right in front of the reveal.

Finally, the gates of the school opened and the teachers came to stick up the rankings. 

The scene in front of the school gates immediately became messy as all the parents started rushing forwards. The students, however, stood outside with complicated emotions. They wanted to know the results, but also feared them- but whether they wanted to know, everyone received their results one after another.

There were some that cried till they lost their voice, their parents crying with them, and there were others that couldn’t help but smile.

I sat in the depth of the flower bed, keeping myself away from the situation but also understanding their feelings. Three years of high school; it wasn’t just the struggles of students but also the countless efforts of their parents.

Guan He suddenly squeezed out from the crowd, a bright smile upon her face. I heaved a sigh of relief; her results must have been pretty good.

“How did you go?”

Guan He said joyfully, “Eleventh in the grade.”

My heart had barely gone back to its original place when I saw Lin Yiran and her mom walking out of the crowd, their faces dark, and my heart dropped again.

I walked over, not daring to ask.

“One hundred and thirty six.” There were already tears in her eyes but she still tried her best to smile.

Ever since first grade of high school, whether it was a big test or a small quiz, Lin Yiran had never flunked. I had been worried about Yang Jun, been worried for Guan He, but I had never been worried for her.

I didn’t know how to comfort her. This intelligent girl who had never dropped from the top twenty from second grade, and stayed in the top five for third grade, was not even able to get above one hundred in ranking. For three years, more than a thousand days, I had sat behind her and witnessed her hard work and diligence. Three years of struggles, reduced to smithereens in an instant.

The Gaokao was indeed really cruel, not only due to its fierce competition, but also its cruelty in only looking at the final result. Unlike overseas where universities would look at the overall grades, in China, no matter how glorious your past grades were, if you were unable to succeed in this one moment, everything would be negated.

I felt extremely dejected, and Lin Yiran comforted me instead. “It’s fine, it’s still above the undergraduate key score so I can still apply for a key university.”

(The universities are separated into categories and key universities are one of the top categories. Must’ve been a good school)

Lin Yiran’s mom looked extremely distressed and didn’t say anything. Lin Yiran hurriedly said a few words with me before taking her mom and leaving.

I sat in the corner of the flower bed and gazed at the distant blue sky. 

In this world, there were always things that couldn’t be solved with logic, and things that were in no way fair.

Yang Jun meanwhile jumped up and down in the crowd, elated, yelling in all directions, “Have you seen Luo Qiqi? Do you know where she is? Who’s seen her?”

Guan He stopped him, and after having a few words with him, his face dropped and he asked me quietly, “How did Lin Yiran fail the exam? Her fortitude is better than yours, and so is her concentration, even though we were always so noisy she could always turn a deaf ear.”

No one could know the answer. So was the Gaokao a cruel, bitter game.

“How did you go? Have you thought about what university you’ll apply for?”

“Seventh in the grade, I’ve decided to go to Fudan. What about you? Have you decided between Tsinghua and Peking?”

(Fudan: a pretty good university in Shanghai)

“Tsinghua.”

“Then I’ll come find you if I ever go to Beijing in the future!”

“Don’t harass me, go find someone else,” I laughed.

Yang Jun rolled his eyes. “How cruel.” He sat there silently for a while and suddenly sighed. “I hope that Tong Yunzhu can apply for a university in Shanghai.”

“How did she go?”

“Much better than expected. She was able to get above the undergraduate key score. Zhang Jun also did pretty well, I think it was either top twenty or top thirty- I’m not sure, there were too many people for me to see properly. Still, there’s no point for you to care about him anymore. There’ll be so many handsome young men in Tsinghua, so forget about your past and go forward bravely!”

He was so good at reprimanding me but couldn’t do anything about himself. 

“What about Shen Yuanzhe?”

“Isn’t that him right there? Should I go ask him for you?”

“Please.”

Yang Jun got up and vanished like a monkey. Soon, he walked back with Shen Yuanzhe and his sister following him.

Shen Yuansi waved at me. “Why are you hiding here? There are so many parents over there talking about you, wanting to see what you look like.”

I poked my tongue out. “Imagination is always better than reality.” 

The sibling’s expressions were both very normal so I guessed that Shen Yuanzhe probably did as expected. Yang Jun soon confirmed my guess with his loud mouth.

Shen Yuansi had already graduated and was allocated to a design institute in this city to work. It was a very good workplace. She told me without any queries that Lin Lan was now working at the station as well and was faring quite well.

After a period of chatter, Shen Yuanzhe and his sister left, Yang Jun also skipping away. They still had many things left to do; confirming their future university, confirming their courses, applying for universities. I, on the other hand, had nothing to worry about anymore.

After lunch, the people gathering at the school gates slowly dispersed. My mom and Guan He’s mom had also vanished; they probably had gone back home, satisfied.

I shrinked into the depth of the flowerbed and sat, dazed, hugging my knees.

Guan He went for a walk somewhere and at around six in the afternoon, she came back again and sat next to me, grinning.

“Why are you still hiding here? Are you mourning the fact that you weren’t able to get state ranking one?”

I laughed bitterly. “I’m just thinking about some stuff from before, and waiting for a friend.”

“Zhang Jun?”

I didn’t say anything. Guan He stopped talking immediately.

The sun was already on the horizon. The school gate was now basically empty apart from a few people who came here to avoid the crowd.

“Aren’t you hungry? Do you want to go home?” Guan He asked me.

“You go back first. I want to sit here for a bit more.”

Guan He shook her head. “I’m still too excited to go home. I’ll wait with you.”

I didn’t say anything and kept my eyes on the school gates.

The afterglow of the setting sun reflected on the solemn, arched school gate, the trees on either side lit a gold-red as scattered people stood in front of them to stare at the ranking chart. People came and people went, but never once was there someone there waiting for me.

I sat there for the entire day without even eating lunch but Xiao Bo never appeared.

When I was a freshman in high school, I had fantasized about this moment countless times. I imagined that I would do well in the college entrance exams and Xiao Bo would be stunned. I wanted to see his surprised expression. I wanted to walk in front of him triumphantly. I want two people to laugh, and from then on, be with each other day and night, and through countless times in the past when I was depressed, this was the driving force for me to move forward.

That was my belief; that if you studied hard, everyone would be together forever, but now I understood that when I chose to study hard, I had already embarked on a road that would never overlap with his, just like he had known it three years before.

Three years ago, I had waited expectantly for his Gaokao score. Three years later, was he not curious for mine?

I was so sure that he would come to see my results. This was our success!

But an entire day of waiting faltered my faith. It had been three years, I changed, and so did he. He had found his own glory and I was just part of his memories.

The light from the setting sun slowly dispersed, the sky turning dark. The lights at the gate of the school lit up. There was no one at the school gates anymore.

“Do you want to go home? The sky’s already dark. He probably already knows his grades and wouldn’t come see the rankings anymore.”

I smiled. “Just a bit more.”

I walked to the red ranking list and looked up.

A big red board, filled with endless names, and at the very top, the name ‘Luo Qiqi’ written with shiny golden dust.

I smiled, satisfied. Very good, he would be able to see my glory with a simple glance. This was the result of my struggles for three years, this is what I wanted Xiao Bo to see, and he was the only one I wished to share this glory with, but, just where was he? Where did the person who deserved to see my glory the most go?

I silently gazed at my name. A few minutes later, my eyes slid down and stopped on another name.

Zhang Jun.

I stood in front of the red ranks for a long time and it was only when the sky had completely darkened that I said to Guan He, “Let’s go.”

We talked about everyone’s grades as we walked. I spoke normally but in my head, there was only the repeated, “Xiao Bo didn’t come to see the rankings. He forgot. He’s completely forgotten,” playing.

Before I had noticed, tears were already rolling down my cheeks. I really wanted to hold them back because Guan He was right next to me, but they kept falling like the rain. Guan He thought that I was crying because of Zhang Jun and felt extremely awkward, pretending not to have not noticed, keeping her eyes away from me.

I wiped at them fiercely but the tears kept flowing. I gave up on holding them back and allowed them to go freely. It was just a temporary separation, it was fine, I would wait for him at the exit of this maze called time and believe firmly that he would also be standing there. After all, he was my Xiao Bo, how could he not wait for me?

Three years later, I had finally arrived at the end of this maze, only to see that our exits were not the same, and that looking behind, none of us were able to see the way back.

I knew all along that we had entered different paths a long time ago, that the longer we walked, the further we would be. Whether or not he came to see the rankings, this was something that couldn’t be changed, but I couldn’t accept it. How could he forget? I wouldn’t accept this! I just wanted, selfishly, for him to never forget me!

But he forgot!

It was at this moment did I truly understand that I had lost him forever- that person whom I thought would walk next to me to see this world no matter how dark it appeared.

Previous Chapter|TOC|Next Chapter

V3C16: The Forever-Remembered First Kiss

When class finished on Wednesday, the head teacher told me to see her in the staffroom.

I had a faint idea of what she wanted to talk about and sure enough, she narrated the stories of other students whose grades had slipped down and in turn failed the gaokao because of dating, saying that romance this early wasn’t good. She then talked from a female perspective, emphasizing on the point that girls were more emotional creatures and would be hurt much more than males would be, both physically and mentally.

She talked for almost an hour and I remained silent the entire time.

The moment I walked out of the staffroom, I threw everything she had said into the metaphorical trash. It wasn’t because she wasn’t making sense, but rather that I understood everything she was talking about much better than she did. She underestimated my maturity.

Zhang Jun was also called by his class teacher for a chat, probably also to dissuade him from dating, but we both pretended that nothing had happened. We weren’t even bothered to talk about it all.

Teachers, to Zhang Jun and I, were extremely annoying people who had no power over us.

Zhang Jun and I continued our ‘early dating’. I had the halo of first in the grade, Zhang Jun was top four in his class, and his class teacher was friends with his brother-in-law, so the methods the teachers took were relatively gentle. Nevertheless, we were still being ‘invited’ to the staffroom every week for chats. I was so tempted to tell the teacher that if my grades did get affected, it was probably because of them, not because of dating.

When the results for yearlies came down, I was still number one whilst Zhang Jun was twenty-eighth.

I was relieved. Surely they would stop rambling on about how dating will affect studying now, right?

That Saturday night, Zhang Jun asked me for a stroll by the river.

The colour of autumn had already dyed the poplar forest surrounding the river. It was a field of gold as far as the eye could see, giving off a heavy sense of brilliance.

We sat on the bridge and watched as the river flowed by underneath us.

Zhang Jun passed me an old metal cookie box. I opened it to see that it contained many pretty rocks.

I looked at him in confusion and he smiled. “Happy late-birthday.”

I couldn’t help the corners of my lips rising. “I thought you had forgotten.”

“I’d never forget,” he replied.

“Why so many? Didn’t you say that you’d give me one for each year?”

He picked up a few rocks and allowed them to fall through his fingers. “For the past years, when I liked you, I would pick up pretty rocks, but when I wished I could stop liking you, I would throw them all away. I still remember back in middle school when I saw you dancing with Xu Xiaobo again, I ran here that night and threw away all the rocks and as I threw them away, I promised to myself that I would never like you again.”

The images of the past resurfaced in my brain, as clear as if they had happened yesterday, but in a flash, three years had passed.

I smiled bitterly. “That night, I was underneath the bridge.”

“..?” He didn’t understand. 

“On the night you threw away the rocks, I was sitting there, watching you, and I only went back home after you had left. I got a big scolding because of that,” I pointed at the shadow where I had sat back then, next to the bridge pier.

He turned to look at me, the expression on his face a strange combination of both sorrow and delight. I probably wasn’t much better. From under to on top of the bridge, the journey had taken us more than seven hundred days.

He stared down at the river. “I always thought that you hated me, but when you helped me to hide the gun, I thought: you wouldn’t do that for just anyone. When you refused to give me the gun back, I know I looked stressed, but I was actually really glad because it felt like you cared for me, otherwise you wouldn’t have bothered to search up the laws regarding firearms. 

Afterwards, you asked me a question to corner me, and I thought that maybe you also liked me, just a little, but you were always with Xu Xiaobo so I also tried to corner you with a question in return. And then when you said that you didn’t like Xu Xiaobo, I really was happy. Later, when I was being interrogated in the police station, when I was unsettled, I would think of you and be both happy and afraid.”

Back then, he wasn’t the only sad one. 

“Every time I saw you with someone else I would feel so distressed. The reason I wore a red dress that day I danced with Xiao Bo was because your… that person always wore red dresses,” I whispered.

“Why did you keep ignoring me?” Zhang Jun rubbed my head roughly and clutched onto my arm tightly, so tightly that it hurt, but I knew that he wanted me to feel this pain. I embraced the pain silently with a tinge of joy. He sighed and let me go.

There was so much sadness within his eyes my heart ached as I leaned on his shoulder, and for the first time, I said ever so gently and humbly, “Let’s never fight again. If you don’t want me to talk with Shen Yuanzhe, I’ll distance myself from him.”

He gazed at me, his smile sorrowful but gentle. “How nice would it be if you never changed, Qiqi.”

I thought he was talking about my feelings. I lowered my eyes and said, abashed, “I will always like you. That will never change.”

He suddenly lowered his head and touched me lightly on my lips.

My body tightened, feeling both nervous but also expectant. I closed my eyes but didn’t turn my head away, showing hints of encouragement.

He was hesitant, nervous, not daring to make the next move. I waited for so long but there was no movement coming from him, so I turned my head away in disappointment, my eyes still closed from embarrassment when he kissed my cheeks again. I turned my head slightly in his direction, my lips glancing over his face, and I kissed his cheeks several times as well. In our nervous skin contact, our lips finally touched each other. He pressed in hesitantly a little, but then left immediately- this time though, I didn’t turn away and clutched on to his elbows tightly. It was as if he finally made up his mind and suddenly dipped his head down, truly kissing me, his tongue gently prying open my lips.

Due to my clumsiness, this kiss wasn’t as touching and lovely as described in novels. Our tongues would often come in contact with each other’s teeth, or our teeth would do the same, but we were still very invested.

When he was finished, my eyes were still closed and I felt weak all over as I leaned on him lightly. He held my hands tightly. “Qiqi, I’m sorry, I’m always such a bad person.”

I buried my head in his neck and whimpered. “Yeah, you’re such a meanie, but, I like meanies.”

“They say that girls will always remember their first kiss, I wonder if that’s true,” he murmured.

I smiled. “Ask me again ten years later then.”

He stared at me silently, an erratic smile on his face.

The autumn night wind brought with it a slight chill. He took off his jacket and placed it around my shoulders.

Sitting in his jacket, holding onto his hand silently, my heart was at a calm as never before. I felt that all our fights before were so pointless, that everything had become pointless. As long as I knew that I really liked him, as long as he liked me back, I would be so very happy.

He also sat silently, his hand tightly holding mine, giving me a sense of warmth.

“Have you decided which course you’ll take in the future?” he asked me suddenly.

“I’ve been too busy being angry and fighting to think about this. What about you?” I said half complaining, half coquettish.

“I thought a lot, especially about your future.”

“What about? Care to share?”

He hugged me suddenly and said, “Can we not talk about this tonight?”

Even though you brought this topic up yourself… I grinned. Underneath my glee, there was only my love towards him and I nodded gently. “Okay.”

He held my hand and looked up at the sky. “Let me tell you a joke.”

As he joked, I kept laughing, and he was always looking at me.

From Monday to Friday, he didn’t come find me at all, or walk home with me.

Ever since last weekend, after our talk next to the river, my mentality became a lot calmer and I stopped being so possessive, so I didn’t pay much attention to these details.

Class continued as usual until Saturday morning. Zhang Jun didn’t come to find me so I had to go look for him after school.

He was sitting with Huang Wei next to the fountain beneath the math block, chatting and laughing. Huang Wei ignored me and I pretended I didn’t see her and said to Zhang Jun, “When are we meeting tonight?”

Zhang Jun stared at me silently. “Did you not see Tong Yunzhu?”

“No? Was she looking for me?”

Zhang Jun shook his head and was silent for a long while. “I have something on tonight.”

I was unwilling to show any signs of disappointment in front of Huang Wei so I smiled and nodded. “Sure. I’ll go first then.”

As I walked, I felt my anger rising up, but after a few minutes, I reminded myself that I had said last weekend that I need to stop getting angry for no reason. My mood slowly settled. Maybe he had something important but forgot to tell me.

Tong Yunzhu caught up to me, panting, and passed a letter to me. “How did you manage to vanish the instant school finished? Zhang Jun asked me to give you this after school.”

I felt a little strange. He has never written letters to me before. What happened?

Not caring about going home, I just wanted to find a quiet place where I could read the letter without interruption. I ran to the river, threw my bag onto the ground and opened the letter.

Luo Qiqi:

Seeing the start, my heart sank and I reread the first line in disbelief.

Luo Qiqi:

I wanted to tell you this last week but I really didn’t know how to start, so here I am with a letter.

In primary school, I always felt guilty towards you. Every time I saw you being so silent, I wanted to do something for you. You acted like a little rabbit back then, the flighty type, and every time I was together with you, I would feel so nervous and act so carefully, just in case I scared you away.

My memories of primary school weren’t pretty, but because of Ms Gao, all the unhappiness had become irrelevant. There had never been a teacher who was as nice to me as she was. Whilst every other adult regarded me as helpless, she was willing to compliment me. Without her, I would probably have degraded completely until I rotted on the streets. In the summer holidays of year five, I went to listen to Ms Gao teach everyday and walked home with you. There were no cigarettes, no alcohol, no fighting, and a lot of homework. It was the exact opposite of my definition of fun but for some reason, I was so happy, I felt so happy everyday, looking forward to the next day of school.

Once, we played together in the river and as I laid on the big rock, sleeping, you covered me from the sun with your hat. I pretended to be asleep to see how long you would hold it for, but you kept holding it until I was too embarrassed to keep going. Do you still remember? You’ve probably forgotten. You were so dumb back then. You did everything dumbly and didn’t know how to speak to people. As long as both Ms Gao and I were staring at you, you would stutter, even if it was a question that you knew the solution to.

After middle school, I started having new friends, and the teachers were pretty nice to me as well, but for some reason, I would always look back to that summer holiday in year five, back to us getting tutored by Ms Gao, and remember that time when you were able to quickly come up with a solution but stuttered so much that you couldn’t explain it at all and even needed me to help explain. As I talked, you would nod continuously. Was your neck ever sore? I would remember that time you used your hat to cover the sun for me. 

I would often think that if we didn’t go to the same middle school, then it would merely become a piece of beautiful memory and you would become a piece of my youth that would always bring me guilt and happiness but, we were in the same school. I could see you everyday in school, the karaoke bars and dance halls, and no matter where I went, I would always see you.

I was worried that Xu Xiaobo would lead you astray, worried that you wouldn’t be able to deal with those gangsters, and my heart ached as you used the most stupid and stubborn methods to deal with Ju Baopeng, but you never went astray. You became better and better, from someone who always talked with a bowed head to getting a prize of public speaking in front of a couple thousand people; from stuttering as you spoke to representing the school in debating. I went to every speech and debating competition, and I went to see your blackboard designs. I even recorded down the moments when you appeared in the news. Seeing you gradually become more confident, more happy, I felt true joy for you.

I always thought that this was only because I had done something bad towards you and it was guilt that made me wish for you to be happy, but when I suddenly realized that I was being jealous of Xu Xiaobo, I finally realized that I had started liking you. I don’t even know when it started.

In the first grade of high school, you were in the classroom next to mine and I was able to see you almost everyday. You had always regarded school rules as nought and were always late, and it was only when everyone was already seated down in the classroom that you would walk towards the classroom with the bell as the background music. I used my powers as class captain and got the best seat. I really liked watching you from back then with your straight unwavering steps and that high ponytail which bounced as you walked. Your entire body radiated confidence like a gladiator, as if no matter what was in front of you, you would walk over it with your head raised. Every time I saw you, I would feel as if I was recharged.

You were often scolded by all the teachers because of being late but you never cared. Once, you were late again and the teacher told you to stand outside, and I saw you casually admiring the view outside the window and even start drawing on the window with water, obviously enjoying being out of class. I had wished that you would get sent outside more often so that I would be able to see you during class as well.

I wanted to confess to you everyday but every time I remembered that the name you called out was “Xiao Bo” when I walked you home in secret, every time I remembered how you slapped the love letter right back to Song Peng when he tried to confess, I lost all courage.

I was finally able to get the chance to get close to you because of the summer camp. I used up all of my brain power trying to get you, and everyday with you was spent in maximum joy and maximum fear. I was scared that I wasn’t good enough for you to like back.

It’s probably because we’ve known each other since kids, but I’ve always had a little image of you in my heart. I was always trying to protect you and take care of you, but you’ve already grown up. You’ve grown up to be even more strong and outstanding than others, and in front of you, I’m just a normal, ordinary boy. You don’t need my protection and care.

When we first got together, I had secretly swore in joy that I would make sure that you were always happy, but now I’ve realized that I’m unable to do so, and that I don’t have the abilities to do so.

I loved you so much but those feelings have been depleted with our countless fights and conflicts.

I’ve considered this for quite a while and I think that breaking up is the best ending for both you and me. You’ll definitely be able to meet an outstanding boy in the future. He’ll allow you to always walk forwards with your head up, your gait proud.

Zhang Jun.

I didn’t cry, nor feel any discomfort. I refused to believe that this was true.

I casually stuffed the letter into my pocket, grabbed my bag and walked calmly home before I put down my bag, told a lie to my mom and walked out again.

I went to Zhang Jun’s house to find him, called Master Zhen asking for his whereabouts, went to his usual places to find him- I didn’t know what I was thinking. All I knew was that I wanted to see him.

I searched for the entire night, from his house, to school, to the skating rink… He was nowhere to be found.

I went back outside his house and waited for him on the flower bed.

It was already eleven. He still wasn’t home but I waited patiently, not caring at all how my parents would deal with me returning so late. It was only until twelve that a familiar figure appeared underneath the hazy road lights.

He had both hands tucked into his pockets and he walked slowly, his head lowered.

“Zhang Jun.”

He turned around, looking at me in numb surprise. He had definitely not expected for me to be here, even though it was already past twelve.

I walked towards him, trying my best to smile and hold back the tears. “I saw your letter. I wanted to know if you were being serious?”

He nodded slowly. “I’m serious.”

“Are there really no chances of going back?” Even I was in awe at myself at being able to say everything so logically.

“There’s less than half a year until the Gaokao so focus on studying. Stop forcing yourself to suit my needs.”

“I really like you, you know. No matter what it was, I did it out of my own free will. I didn’t force myself.”

He paused and averted his gaze. “But I’ve stopped liking you.” As if he was afraid that I wouldn’t believe him, he added, “It’s painful being with you. No matter how much I liked you, it was consumed by time.”

I felt as if I was being suffocated, that this house I was trying to carefully maintain in my heart was falling down piece by piece, as if my entire heart was shattering but my face kept up its smile, maybe to keep the tears from falling, or maybe it was just my habitual instinct from all these years: the more hurt I was, the more I would smile.

“I’ll take you home,” he said.

We walked in silence and as we walked past the familiar little bridge, I tripped on the stairs and he reached out to help me. The sudden body contact made me forget about my pride and self-esteem in that instance. I grabbed his hand and asked him, almost begging him, “Can we not break up? Please, I’m willing to change, just tell me and I’ll change.”

He stared at me silently, his eyes filled with nostalgia but just as I thought he was going to agree, he pulled out his hand. “You’re not thinking properly. Have a good night’s sleep and you’ll know tomorrow that it’s not such a big deal.”

My pride and reason forbade me from saying anything more but my weak emotions were unwilling. I reached out for his retreating fingertips, wishing that his heart would soften, but he was stronger, his mind firmer. Finally, he pulled out his hand and walked away from me.

He walked in the front, I walked behind him, an alienating distance between us.

I was suddenly reminded of when he had told me his story of him trying to quit smoking. He started smoking from the second year of primary to third year of middle school and his addiction was so strong that he needed at least a packet every day. In the first year of high school, he decided that he wanted to become a normal student and started to quit smoking. It was really uncomfortable and some of his friends would tempt him with their cigarettes, but he said that since he had decided he was going to quit smoking, he would adhere to his decision, that after the first few most difficult days, everything would get better. As expected, after the first few weeks had passed, he had lost all desire to smoke.

This time, he had made up his mind to quit me. 

When we arrived underneath my apartment, I stood there and refused to go upstairs but he turned so nonchalantly and said, “I’m going home.” 

This was the first time he didn’t watch as I walked up stairs, that he didn’t smile and tell me to call him.

I felt embarrassed at my reluctance and immediately stomped into the building, but just as I sprinted up to the second floor, I was suddenly hit with the realization that this would be the last time he would ever walk me home, that from now on, he would never appear in my life again. I felt as if my heart was being cut open and I bent over, so pained that I could barely breathe. I let go of all my dignity and rushed downstairs again.

He had already walked away. Underneath the streetlight, his silhouette became strangely thin and light.

“Zhang Jun!”

I merged all of my emotions, all of my feelings into that one heart wrenching cry. How I hoped that he would understand just how heartbroken I was at that moment, just how much I wished for me to turn around.

He continued walking as if he didn’t hear my cry but I knew he did, because his footsteps faltered a little.

I stared at him. He never once looked back.

It was only until his silhouette had already disappeared did I climb up the stairs distractedly. My parents were extremely angry and demanded to know where I was. I ran straight into my room and locked it.

They kept scolding me but it was as if everything was in a different dimension. My body was here, but my soul was nowhere to be found.

Slowly, the sounds dimmed. There was only me, sitting in the dark.

When I finally remembered to look at my watch, it was already three in the morning. 

I didn’t wash my face or brush my teeth and went straight to bed, but I was unable to fall asleep no matter what I did. Thinking that from tomorrow onwards, Zhang Jun would have no relationship with me made me feel as if I was being killed with a thousand knives. I felt nauseated, as if I was about to vomit, but as I ran to the bathroom, nothing came out and I could only crouch on the ground and dry cough.

An entire night passed without any sleep. At six thirty, the alarm rang as usual emotionlessly, reminding me that it was time to memorize English.

It was like I had finally found something I could hold onto in this falling world. I took out my English book, shut myself onto the balcony and shouted, screamed as I read English in a frenzy, but whether or not I was able to remember anything, I did not know.

When my mom woke up, she was originally planning to continue her scolding from last night, but seeing that I was already studying hard on the balcony, she said nothing.

She made an omelette and placed down some warm milk for breakfast, but I had no appetite. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked. “You have to eat breakfast otherwise you won’t have strength for the rest of the day.”

I didn’t want her to sense anything strange, so I picked up the bowl and forced myself to eat. 

As my sister ate, she was discussing with my mom how much pocket money she should get this month. My mind was blank, my ears ringing, completely unable to understand what they were speaking, but if they asked me any questions, I was able to answer as usual.

“Are you going out with your friend this afternoon?” My mom asked me. Normally, I would go out to see Zhang Jun on weekends.

Without any warning, my tears started falling, not even giving me any time to hide them. I immediately lowered my hand and raised the bowl to my face, pretending to be drinking milk but I was able to see clearly the ripples as my tears hit the smooth surface of the milk. 

Faintly, I heard a voice say calmly, “I’m not going out,” so far away, so unfamiliar from my own. 

For the entire day, I held onto a book and studied vigorously but from six thirty in the morning to ten at night, I was only able to get through one single page.

That night, as I laid on the bed, I told myself that everyone could live just fine in the world no matter who they were separated from. I might have been in pain now but a year later, I would completely forget it, and ten years later, when someone brought up the name ‘Zhang Jun’, I would have to wrack my brain to remember who he was.

Everything would pass, everything would pass!

Amidst my attempts at persuading myself, I was finally able to wait for dawn to arrive to go to school.

When Yang Jun saw me, he asked in surprise, “Were you studying through the night? Your face looks terrible.”

“Yeah, I was doing exercise questions until three in the morning.”

Shocked, Yang Jun immediately immersed himself in work.

I knew that not long would pass before the news of us breaking up would spread through the entire school. Many eyes would be on me. My dignity prohibited me from showing any signs of dispirit because of breaking up, so for the entire day, I forced myself to read and study even if my progress was slow enough to be nonexistent. 

After Zhang Jun broke up with me, his confidant* Huang Wei walked him home everyday.

(*original is something along the lines of a very pretty lady/someone who understands the guy but behind the screens, acts as a mistress of sorts)

I had always known that Huang Wei liked him, but Zhang Jun was dense, always believing that it was a pure friendship that they shared. I didn’t know what kind of relationship they had now, but it was true that they were always next to each other. Many students were saying that Huang Wei was now Zhang Jun’s new girlfriend.

My deepest fear came true: I became one of Zhang Jun’s exes. Everyone directed looks of sympathy and gloating towards me.

I put in great effort to pretend that I didn’t care. In class, I became unusually lively, constantly pranking and making fun of each other, laughing everyday just to make sure that everyone believed that I was happy.

Shen Yuanzhe would often walk me home after school, chat with me, and sometimes take me to school as well. With us being always so blatantly together, rumors regarding him and I soon spread like wildfire. Instead of trying to avoid these rumours, I started walking home and to school with Shen Yuanzhe even more often to make it appear even truer.

Lin Yiran took me to the library every weekend to study and Yang Jun helped me organize cheat sheets for past papers, and under the pretense of competing with me, he would also do homework together with me. Later, Shen Yuanzhe also joined our weekend study group.

I was very grateful. In such a difficult time, I still had my friends beside me. They didn’t ask any questions, but used every method of accompanying to do the most they could. 

The school had a boring and stale ‘study experience’ talk in the hall. I learnt from Chen Jin and completed a three-minute task in one minute. It was only now that I understood it wasn’t that Chen Jin didn’t want to tell the truth, it was that the teachers didn’t like people trying to tell everyone that it was pointless listening in class and doing the homework.

After the meeting ended, I hurriedly walked outside the hall, but as I arrived at the maths block, I was called over by the first in the grade of the second years who asked me a few questions regarding studying. I didn’t feel like it at all, but I was suddenly reminded of Chen Jin so I paused, patiently listened to his queries and gave him my most objective answers.

Gradually, more and more people gathered around me to form a little circle, and a junior even bought drinks for me. 

I was still patiently answering when I saw Zhang Jun and Huang Wei walk over, shoulder to shoulder. Perhaps it was because of how bright and harsh Huang Wei’s smile looked, I also smiled brightly and waved a casual hello at Zhang Jun. His face darkened and he glared at me before quickly walking away.

I kept up my cheery smile and happily answered the questions of my juniors. When I had finished, I continued smiling and walked into the math black. Tong Yunzhu, who was standing next to the window of the corridor, questioned me, her face cold, “Did you ever like Zhang Jun at all?”

I smiled and didn’t answer. I had always known that the opposite of love was not hate, but rather viewing him as a stranger, a normal acquaintance, and I had always been good at pretending.

I was unhappy and I was distressed, but I couldn’t let anyone know of those feelings.

I was very thankful that our souls were wrapped up in the bag we called a body so that we could keep our emotions to our hearts and our actions to our bodies and walk past every day.

I don’t have the courage to reminiscence back to those days. Every time I was reminded of anything, it was only of pain and distress. As for what I had actually done each day, I couldn’t remember. It was as if I had to take in a deep breath each day before going to school, and as if I wasn’t going to school, but rather to war.

In that state of dazed frenzy, we arrived at our finals.

When the results were released, I was surprisingly still the top in the grade. I couldn’t believe it myself. Lin Yiran, Yang Jun, and Shen Yuanzhe all knew that for the past two months, I had spent all my energy pretending to be happy but not much on studying. Nevertheless, studying was like driving a train. As long as it was still on track, it would naturally chug forwards.

Even though I didn’t know how I got the number one, I was still happy. My grades would prove to everyone that Luo Qiqi wasn’t hurt! Luo Qiqi didn’t care at all that Zhang Jun no longer liked her!

That was the best thing about being the ‘eagle’. Everyone would assume that you were the strong one, that feelings such as being hurt would not coexist with you.

Third grade students no longer had the right to go on winter holidays. The school announced that there would only be holidays during New Year and that class would continue as normal on all other times. After exams were over, we kept going to class.

During the winter holidays, I didn’t go check up on Ms Gao and only wrote a card to mail to her. I didn’t know how to face her or how to explain everything.

I started counting the days until the Gaokao. I wished that I could quickly finish my life here. It was like primary all over again. Once again, I could only think of running forwards; all those years had passed, yet I was still that person who was only capable of running away.

After New Years, the Gaokao entered countdown mode. A large number plate was raised at the back of the classroom and every day, the teacher would personally change the numbers, reminding everyone that we were one day closer to the seventh of July*. 

(*Chinese New Year in China)

Under the huge stress of the Gaokao, everyone was buried in their books, a sheen of grey on their faces. Hope was so close, but the pain of today was something they had to suffer through using their own bodies. 

I finally started accepting the fact that Zhang Jun and I had broken up. I started becoming silent, stopped loudly arguing with Yang Jun. and stopped randomly bursting into jokes. Nevertheless, in the face of the depressing Gaokao, everyone became silent and unhappy. My change was only part of the norm.

Days passed and it was as if Zhang Jun had completely vanished. I haven’t seen him in ages.

When we were in middle school, we used completely different stairs when going to classes but we still had many ‘chance encounters’, but even though we used the same stairs everyday now, I was unable to find him. Given a comparison, I was finally able to understand his thoughtfulness from the past and his heartlessness of now.

Late into the night, I would often wonder just how I managed to lose him. I knew that I had made many mistakes, but without waiting for ten years to pass, but I didn’t know just where I had gone wrong.

Was I supposed to not study? Was I supposed to focus everything on dating and give up on school? Was I not supposed to be an independent and strong girl? Was I not supposed to have self-love? Was I supposed to act depressed and pained to show his importance to me? Was I supposed to cry my lungs out, to cut my wrist to keep him with me?

I was unable to tell my pains to anyone so I confessed everything to my diary. On it was written a multitude of fantasies, that in a few years, we would be able to get together again. I fantasized about so many different ways of reunions and wrote them all in my diary.

I even used this fantasizing to encourage myself to study hard and change all my negative traits. I told myself that this was the only way for me to be able to become good enough to walk in front of him one day in the future, and make him like me once again.

In my hopes for the future, the days ahead of me stopped looking so despairing and I stopped feeling so depressed.

I studied easily. Compared to everyone else, buried in questions, it was as if I was from a different world, always going to sleep on time, never staying up late.

Everyone thought that I was very strange. I never listened during class, barely did my homework, but I was still able to sit firmly in number one. Even my sister was unable to understand. I told her the key to high school was the first two years- all the knowledge was taught in the first two years, and the third year was merely a systemizing process. If you were able to truly understand all the information from the first two years and carve them into your brain, the third year would prove to be simple. 

My sister was in the first grade of high school and what I had said was targeted specifically at her, but she was unable to take anything in.

Amidst this torment, June finally arrived.

After two mock trials, I was able to maintain my number one. Guan He was top twenty whilst Zhang Jun was able to keep at around top thirty.

After the last mock trial had finished, the school was on break for everyone but the third grade students. When the teachers finish going over the test paper, we would also be on holidays. As for the last remaining week, the school library and classroom were open to all third grade students to allow us to freely revise for the Gaokao.

That week, I flipped through a bit of English, but wasn’t bothered to touch anything else. Yang Jun couldn’t stand me, dragged me to the library and forced me to complete some of the questions that he circled out for me.

I walked into the exam area without any burdens and easily answered all the questions. The neighbouring aunty found me watching the TV in between two of my exams and she watched in shock as I ran towards the school with only forty minutes left until the next exam.

On the morning of the tenth, after the last exam, we were officially released.

The moment we walked out of the examination area, no matter how they had gone, everyone had the thankful look of a survivor.

An entire year of fighting through that sea of questions, waking up with the sun and sleeping with the stars. It had all finally finished!

That night, the school held a graduation celebration for us. As we were all struggling with the Gaokao before, it was impossible for us to arrange performances like we did in our primary and middle school graduations.

The head teacher, who was responsible for this event, chose to hold it outdoors. They hung tiny light bulbs on all the trees and setted up a large projector screen.

As twilight fell, the night wind started blowing by lightly and a thousand little bulbs lit up, turning the atmosphere into one of romance and melancholy.

The original plan was for the two music teachers of the high school division to MC the night, but the female teacher had something urgent come up and was unable to attend, so they had to choose from amongst the students. The head teacher was so stressed that he asked for help from Shen Yuanzhe, who recommended me. The male MC Mr Li came to invite me to partner up with him. I rejected without a single thought, but a moment later, I changed my mind. 

From primary, Zhang Jun and I were always in the same school. Tonight marked the last night we would ever be walking into the same school gates. All I hoped is that as long as he remembered this graduation ceremony, he would remember me.

My dreams had become so low that all I wished for was that he wouldn’t forget me.

The music teacher helped me pick out a white performance dress, emphasizing my slim waist. The skirt of the dress ended just above my knees, decorated with countless sequins and as I walked, it looked as if I was surrounded by stars. Together with a matching crystal hairband, I was the exact definition of the princess that every girl had wished to become at some stage in their life.

The music teacher wore a white shirt and black pants. As we walked towards the bright stage, all the teachers and students were already seated.

The old principal led the clapping, followed by the teachers until the entire area was filled with thunderous clapping, celebrating the end to this difficult third year.

With my most beautiful smile, I announced the start of tonight’s event.

“All the performances will come from you guys, and for anyone who wishes to perform, please go find Shen Yuanzhe; he’ll record down everyone’s requests. Mr Li and I will coordinate the performances. Tonight, even though our respected head teacher is also present, there’s no need to mind him. Whether or not these performances are full of positivity and school spirit also doesn’t matter tonight.”

Everyone started laughing. Mr Li cleared his throat. “Tonight’s first performance will be a solo piano performance by I, your amazing music teacher. Everyone please use this time to consider what you want to perform.” 

Mr Li sat next to the piano and started performing the passionate “Graduation Song”.

Students came in twos and threes to get the slips, considering what they should perform.

I sat next to Shen Yuanzhe, chatting with him in a low voice, but my eyes couldn’t help but search for Zhang Jun. Finally, I saw him. He wasn’t sitting with his class, but rather with Master Zhen and Master Jia, leaning on the fence of the flower garden, directly opposite of Shen Yuanzhe and I.

Mr Li had almost finished his performance of “Graduation Song” when students slowly trickled in to hand in their slips. However, there was no time to prepare props for them. Shen Yuanzhe asked me, “Should we ask Mr Li to play another piece?”

I smiled. “That would be too boring. Watch me.”

Holding the microphone, I walked towards the centre of the stage, an easy smile on my face. “If we hold a poll right now asking for everyone to vote for their most hated teacher, I wonder who everyone will pick? Each one of you has your own preferences, but there is one teacher that will definitely make it on board. Care to have a guess?”

Everyone was laughing, including the seated teacher, but since the event had barely started, the students had yet to break free from their constraints of being students, so they only laughed, not daring to actually say it out loud. I smiled and saluted to the head teacher. “Sir, congratulations. You got the highest votes.”

The crowd bursted into laughter. “As the most hated teacher,” I exclaimed, “I, on behalf of the class of this year, invite you to perform impromptu for us!”

The microphone was passed into the headteacher’s hands who kept clearing his throat but didn’t say what he wanted to perform.

I started shouting, “One, two, three, four, five, we’re waiting so hard; one two three four five six, we are waiting so distressed.”

I waved my hands, indicating for everyone to join me. This was the chant that we learnt the moment we entered high school and there was no one in the grade who didn’t know it. Since we were chanting on the always strict headteacher, everyone immediately joined in.

But as everyone started joining in the chant, I was a little distracted. Had three years really passed? It felt as if I was mocked by Ma Li just yesterday, as if I had just had a fight with Song Peng. Was that really from a thousand days back?

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, we’re waiting so stressed; one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, teacher, teacher, you are late!”

The combined shouting of more than five hundred people could be quite scary and the head teacher said hurriedly, “Yes, yes I got one. I’ll sing for everyone “Guo Huo” by Jeff Chang.”

“Wow!” I cried and made a face of disbelief at the audience, expressing that the choice seriously exceeded our expectations. Everyone laughed.

Did I promise you too much,
Or was it never enough?
You always have a thousand excuses,
I always followed your feelings,
Crazy, letting you indulge,
I thought that, one day you would be moved
Rumours, as I pretend I am deaf,
Until all the dreams are broken.

The head teacher walked as he sang, shocking the entire audience because his voice was almost made out of the same mould as Jeff Chang’s.

I was not surprised. The head teacher was actually quite good friends with Shen Yuanzhe, and I had once heard Shen Yuanzhe mention that he was really good at singing Jeff Chang’s songs, otherwise even I wouldn’t dare to use him to warm up the atmosphere.

Hidden in the dark, I looked across to Zhang Jun without any worry. He still sat there, his figure slightly blurred, but his face, no matter how hard I tried, was indecipherable.

Did he see me?

I knew that he couldn’t care less about me now, but that was fine. I would walk onto the brightest stage so that you would see me whether you liked it or not.

Every time I went up, I hid deep thoughts behind my casualness and used everything I could to create one brilliant show after another, not for the students but for that one person hidden in the corner.

I showed off brilliance to everyone, showed greatness, just for him to look at me once. I showed the entire audience wonders, only for him to look at me once, only for him to remember me.

Could he understand my motives?

I didn’t need him to understand. I only wished that he would remember my brightness tonight. I knew that I was beautiful that night because I had used all of my intelligence, all of my love towards him, to shape tonight’s beauty. I condensed all of my youth and vigor into that one night, as a flower blooming only for him.

Guan He came to register her performance and I joked, “Is the beauty finally returning?” 

For three years, Guan He truly hadn’t participated in any performance-related events. Almost none of the people in her class knew that she was amazing at the erhu and had such an angelic voice.

She simply smiled and nodded at me, her face calm as if towards the most ordinary classmate. “My performance is ‘Everyday In My Life’.” she told Shen Yuanzhe.

I made sure I was the one announcing Guan He’s performance.

The surrounding lights twinkled and the students’ faces blurred. As I walked towards the centre of the stage, I was suddenly reminded of the Literary Performance in the third grade of middle school when Guan He had invited me to perform with her. We were so close back then. I didn’t know what had happened to make us become merely strangers to each other now.

“In everyone’s life, there will be someone who will leave behind heavy marks. There was also one such person in my life. Her appearance had once made me feel as if it was the biggest disaster in my life. I’ve been jealous of her, envied her, but it was in this constant state of envy that I kept chasing after her, hoping that I could become a little better, just a little better. I used to feel that this endless chase was excruciating, but now I understand. I would not be able to stand here without her. It was because she had appeared that I was able to become who I am today. I want to thank her. ‘Everyday In My Life’, performed by Guan He!”

Guan He walked out from the shadows onto the bright stagem and I walked down from the stage, into the darkness. At the place where light met dark, we walked past each other. I looked at her but she was facing the audience, a smile on her face.

I didn’t know whether she had understood what I had wished to say, but that wasn’t important. The important part was that I was finally able to let go of that burden. I no longer envied others, I had started to like myself.

Guan He bowed to the audience and smiled. “In the six years I spent in First High, I have laughed, I have cried; I have felt pride but also shame; I’ve made mistakes and fixed them. Maybe I’m not as outstanding as my parents wished for me to be but I have tried my best and I have no regrets. I’m giving up this song for all the teachers and fellow students who have given me help and love in the times I needed them the most. Thank you.”

Watching time fly by like light, I pray for tomorrow,
That every little dream can slowly come true,
I am so ordinary but so very lucky,
For every day of my life, I want to say thank you

Watching time fly by like light, I look back unto,
When I lived days as years, used to being a rashful youth,
I am so ordinary but so very lucky,
For every day of my life, I want to say thank you

As the party slowly approached its end, the atmosphere became more and more somber. Many girls were crying in silence as they were singing.

Time was almost up. It was time for our farewell.

Mr Li quietly told me a few words and asked me to announce the last performance.

“Our last performance is a choir performance. “Farewell”, performed by the entire staff body.”

All the teachers walked to the centre of the stage and lined up.

Mr Li started playing “Farewell” by the monk Hong Yi.

Outside the pavilions, next to the beaten paths, the green grass reached up to the sky. 
The night wind lifted up the willows, the sounds of flute remaining, the sun setting beyond the mountains. 
The edge of sky, the corner of sea, the friends of the past half lost. 
A flask of wine for the rest of our happiness, let our dreams not be cold tonight.

The amiable principal, the physics teacher with the white hair, the young politics teacher, the English teacher who used to blush so much, the always messy maths teacher, the biology teacher who always went off topic, the strict and stern head teacher…

My eyes became moist. I believed that in that moment, everyone’s eyes were stinging. 

Three years, the most brilliant three years of youth! Our first grade, when we trained in cadets without a worry, singing songs with sweat dripping down out backs; our second grade, the stress and pain as we were separated into science and literature, accelerated and non-accelerated classes; our third grade, the never ending sea of questions when we slept at three and woke up at five.

We’ve marched together, progressed together, truanted together, ranted together, played together, studied together…

Whether we loved it or hated it, these three years of high school had left behind a mark on our lives that could never be erased.

Amidst the singing, the principal said farewell to everyone. “Graduation is an endpoint, but it’s also a beginning. The battles of third grade had finished but the battles of life had barely just begun. On behalf of all the teachers, I give unto you my farewell words, ‘The heavens work strongly and you should work like the heavens, never stopping, always trying your best; the earth is gentle and you should behave like the earth, generous to all, strengthening your virtues’!”

The teachers left one by one and I followed the orders of Mr Li and announced, “Next is the prom time that the school has given everyone. The principal has promised that as long as there are people willing to dance, music will sound for them.”

At first, people were looking at each other, embarrassed, but soon some courageous boys led their girlfriends onto the dance floor, revealing many underground relationships and cheers bursted out from the others.

Many people didn’t know how to dance and those who knew taught those who didn’t. The colourful dance floor was filled with elegant and clumsy figures.

Yang Jun sat on the table next to me and gazed dumbly at Tong Yunzhu who was dancing.

“If you want, then go ask her for a dance.” I said.

Yang Jun looked downcast. “I don’t know how to dance.”

I walked over and patted Tong Yunzhu on her shoulder. “Can you go invite Yang Jun for a dance?”

Tong Yunzhu was surprised but she answered immediately, “Sure.”

She walked over to invite Yang Jun who twitched a little. “I don’t know how to dance.”

Tong Yunzhu smiled. “And that is why you need someone who knows how to dance as the partner for your first.” She extended her hand towards him. I pushed Yang Jun a little and he held her hand, his face red.

Amidst the waltz, people started walking away in pairs or threes.

I hid myself in the darkness, looking around for Zhang Jun, but I wasn’t able to find him. Was this how he chose to say our goodbye?

Brilliant lights lit up the stage as if the stars had gathered here, but they were glittering for a parting.

Amidst the soft and melancholy music, I walked towards the school gates.

Goodbye, First High!

Goodbye, my youth!

---

Luci: I’ve read this three times and the ending to this chapter never failed to make me sad ;-;
Vera: Ahaha, reading through this and seeing all of Luci’s little comments (“SMH SHEN YUANZHE DESERVES BETTER”) made my day. Or evening I suppose. Sorry for the late update, we dropped a little behind again- I’ll be going through our docs a day before it’s due and finishing off everything so it won’t happen from now on hopefully~

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V3C15: Mock Trials

In the last year of high school, we would be split into accelerated and non-accelerated classes based on our finals results, making it extremely important.

The tests from before were all marked out of one hundred but from now on, everything would be based on the Gaokao, and the tests changed to be marked out of one hundred and fifty.

To prepare us for these changes, the school held a mock trial.

When the results for the mock trials came down, I was still number one with nearly full marks in physics and chemistry. Zhang Jun was ranked thirty-something, but Guan He had only managed to get fiftieth.

Ever since my grades began improving, Zhang Jun ceased talking about studying in front of me, but I knew that he worked hard. Even if he was sick, he would still study English and sometimes when I went over to his house, I would find thick piles of draft paper filled with exercise questions. I understood the pain of working hard to no reward well.

Zhang Jun’s spirit fell. Even though I tried to cheer him up in many ways, he was still down, like his failure had crushed his confidence completely.

On the weekends, he came to find me to go sing, and I requested for us to take a stroll next to the river.

As we walked, I started telling him about my experiences whilst studying English. I had barely gotten half way when he suddenly became impatient and snarled, “Do you have anything in your head apart from studying?”

I was dazed and felt wronged and angry. I wanted to help him, so much so that I was willing to share with him one of the most painful experiences I had ever had, but he responded with resentment. 

I pushed down my own feeling of being wronged and turned to leave. “You’re not feeling that well, I’m leaving.”

He grabbed onto me, the pent up grievance and dissatisfaction making him lose control over his emotions. “Ever since we got together, you always get angry for no reason, stop talking to me on a whim and ask to break up with me. Whether it’s my fault or not, I have to apologize first before you’re willing to come back. Sometimes I really don’t understand, if you don’t like me then why did you get together with me?”

“What do you mean I don’t like you?”

“Other girls would want their boyfriend’s company, and they’ll get angry if they don’t take them home, but if I walk home with you, you get angry; other girls are glad to spend more time with their boyfriends, but everytime I ask you out it’s this and that and I can’t come. You’ve never cared about me being with others, no matter how much I hang out with them, you never react at all like you’re completely unrelated, the only thing you have in your heart is study, study, study. You don’t care what I do at all, I doubt I hold even half the importance of studying to you.

I forcefully shook off his hand and said coldly, “Since you think the other girls are better, then go find your other girls.”

“Don’t worry, this time, I won’t disturb or hinder you, you go concentrate on being your state rank one,” he called from behind me.

Back straight, I strode forwards until my figure had disappeared from his line of sight.

I was distressed, not understanding why despite trying with all my heart to be good for him, he rejected me so absolutely. I felt wronged and bitter, and so blamed his lack of appreciation. 

It was only many years later did I realize that back then, neither I nor he was wrong. What was wrong was that we were too young to understand each other’s love.

All I knew back then was that I liked him and wished the best for him so I couldn’t wait to help him, but I had used the wrong method.

Zhang Jun was a proud and egotistic boy. He wanted to take care of me, not the other way around. He was already trying so hard in silence to become outstanding and he felt pressured, stressed, and what he needed to know was how I felt towards him, not how amazing I was at studying. Nevertheless, his age made it so that he could only see my mouth constantly babbling on about studying and wasn’t able to see my heart which only wished for him to be confident and happy.

I didn’t go find Zhang Jun, and he didn’t come find me either. We started a cold war.

Before the yearlies, there was our last fitness test ever. It was said that if we weren’t able to pass, we wouldn’t be able to get our graduation certificate and we wouldn’t be able to attend the Gaokao.

Apart from sit-ups, I was horrible at everything. If I still wasn’t able to pass the eight-hundred metres, then I’d… I didn’t know what I’d do.

On the day of the run, it was drizzling in the morning, making the air moist and refreshing. The boys in my class congratulated me. “Even the heavens are helping you. You can definitely pass.”

I sighed. “I sure hope so.”

During the test, all the boys in the class stood next to the oval to cheer for me but I was still last. My feet felt as if they were made of lead and I got slower and slower. They sighed in disbelief. “That was only the first lap!”

“Luo Qiqi, there’s a million dollars waiting for you ahead of you.”

“Luo Qiqi, there’s a bunch of perverts chasing after you. Ahhhhhh, quickly, run!”

“Luo Qiqi, there’s a pack of lions at your heels, if you don’t run you’re gonna die! Roar, roar!”

…… 

The young sports teacher was confused. Since when did the oval become the African Savanna? He chuckled and told everyone to shut up.

The guys’ cheering was unable to make me run any faster. I was still holding on, hoping that I could find the strength to somehow speed up, but the instance I saw Zhang Jun amongst the crowd, all the strength sapped out of my body and I felt like giving up. 

When I finished the first lap, the teacher looked at the stopwatch and shook his head. “Two minutes thirty.”

Everyone was worried. Yang Jun and Ma Li shouted, “Luo Qiqi, how can you be this weak?”

Just as I started my feeble second lap, Zhang Jun suddenly ran to my side, took up my hand and pulled me forwards. His hands were so strong, and even though I was still panting, my speed got faster.

The cheers changed from “Go, Luo Qiqi, go”, to “Zhang Jun! Zhang Jun!”

All the noise on the oval disappeared. I felt like flying in the wind, my eyes blurry, my mind taken back to that windy, hailing day when he took my hand but stole my heart.

All these years, it was somehow more bitter than sweet. If time repeated itself, would I still pick the same path? Or would I rather not let him take my hand?

When I realised that Zhang Jun had stopped; I somehow managed to run to the end.

The sports teacher didn’t say anything about us cheating and pretended that he didn’t see anything. Stopping the watch, he said with regret in his voice, “Four minutes twenty, unfortunately not a pass.”

Everyone begged the teacher. “Sir, let her pass. We ignore the first lap and times the time of the second lap by two.”

“How about we do the test again next week but this time with Zhang Jun running with Luo Qiqi the entire time?”

“Luo Qiqi has to attend the Gaokao. Even if she was willing to not go, the school would never allow it!”

“Teach, please do us a favour, we’ll love you so much.”

The sports teacher got annoyed at everyone begging and with a large stroke, he changed the grades. He didn’t say anything but showed the grades to Zhang Jun for a bit before walking away immediately.

The guys were planning to follow the teacher to the staffroom to keep begging when Zhang Jun said, “She passed.”

Everyone jumped up and cheered. Ma Li teased Zhang Jun and I, “The moment you two started holding hands, the amount of people on the oval nearly doubled. Everyone was looking at you two. You two keep such a high profile, be careful of your class teacher coming to chat with you.”

I peeked at Zhang Jun who left without sparing me an extra glance.

I paused a little and hurriedly chased after him. He ignored me and I begged him softly, “Please, say something.”

I kept talking to him but he kept his face cold and said nothing. I wasn’t able to keep up my chatter, but I wasn’t willing to give up either so I could only follow him as close as I could.

I dogged him the entire way and he ignored me the entire time.

I followed him upstairs and just as he was about to enter his classroom, I tugged on his sleeves, forcing him to stop. He turned to look at me, as if waiting for me to say something. The students in his class all looked up in curiosity, gazing at us through the window. Under the eyes of everyone, I felt embarrassed and hurriedly let go of him. He looked a little disappointed but he didn’t say anything and walked into the classroom without looking back.

I went back to my classroom listlessly. The instance I entered, I slumped onto my table, tears brimming my eyes.

“All good now?” Yang Jun asked.

I shook my head.

“Broke up?”

I shook my head.

Tears fell silently onto my sleeves.

“Do you want to walk outside?” Yang Jun asked.

When all the tears streaks had been wiped away by my sleeves, when my voice no longer betrayed my weaknesses, I looked and said, “I don’t want to go to class.”

“No problem, I’ll take you down to the rural area on my bike.” Yang Jun answered cheerfully.

Yang Jun and I packed up our bags and truanted, not caring at all that we had a physics quiz right after.

I knew that wallowing in pity did nothing and if I was destined to lose Zhang Jun, I couldn’t afford to lose my grades as well, but that day, I was unable to control my heartache and only wanted to indulge myself. 

I didn’t sleep well that night either. I kept dreaming and waking up, but no matter which state I was in, Zhang Jun’s figure haunted me and I kept crying.

The next morning, I forced myself to get out of bed and read the instance the alarm rang. The time for emotions was gone, so even if I couldn’t take anything in, I still had to read. The reason men were called advanced intelligence creatures was that with our intelligence, we could use our logic to control and repress our behaviors.

Amidst the continuing cold war between Zhang Jun and I, finals came upon us without mercy.

I was still number one but Zhang Jun slipped all the way down to one hundred and eightieth. Guan He was sixty-somethingth.

When I looked down the ranking list, I suddenly realized that Guan He hadn’t entered the top twenty in a long time. Even Yang Jun and Lin Yiran would feel stress about their grades slipping, so Guan He was definitely not an exception, especially since she was not only carrying herself, but all of her mother’s hope.

I called to ask Guan He out and she replied with laughter in her voice, “My dear Luo Qiqi, not everyone is as smart as you and able to remain top in the grade no matter what happens. I need to study.”

She was unerringly polite, but I felt as if there was mockery in her words.

“I know that the workload right now is really big, but that’s exactly why we need time to relax. Come with me to go roller skating tonight. We haven’t hung out together since last summer holidays,” I said. 

Maybe she was reminded of last holiday when I would teach her roller skating every week, and she hesitated a little but finally accepted my request.

There were many people in the skating ground and as none of us had our mind on skating, we skated a little bit then sat at the side to rest.

Our topics were really bland and I tried several times to change the topic to study, but Guan He would always make a joke and change it back.

As the time to return the skates came ever closer, I built up my courage and decided to ask her directly. “Guan He, when I first saw your grades slipping I thought it was just normal stress or something and never paid much attention to it, but now I realized that it’s happened for many tests. Did something happen?”

Guan He smiled. “I’m not the only one whose grades are dropping. It’s probably because we’re too stupid and unable to get used to this ever more stressful year.”

“I might not understand the others but I know that you’re not like this. You’re very smart.”

Guan He paused and smiled, “Oh geez, how could I say that I’m smart in front of you? Stop teasing me!”

“Ever since the day you transferred into our class, I paid special attention to you. You’ve always been the smartest, most amazing girl and I refuse to believe that your grades are dropping because of your intellect.”

“You were paying attention to me?” she asked in disbelief.

“I’m not lying. I’ve paid attention to you since primary, envying how amazing you are and wishing that I could become like you and praying that fate could change me into someone like you. Did you know? On the primary graduation album, I only asked for one person to leave a message and that person was you. I would often flip through it  and everytime and I got to your words, I would feel so sad. I didn’t understand how someone could be so outstanding for even just a simple graduation comment to be written so beautifully.”

Guan He stared at me, lowered her head and said lightly, “I’ve stopped being outstanding a long time ago.”

“Grades are only a small part of defining how good you are. I think the most outstanding part of you is how you interact with the world. You’re so confident, sophisticated, calm and honest and these things make up your unique temperament. I’ve always wished to have your attitude.”

Guan He stayed silent for a long while before she finally opened her heart a little. “I started trying my hardest at studying since the start of first year and for the sake of study I’ve almost given up everything, but the more I tried, the more I fell.”

“Aren’t you giving yourself too much pressure?”

“How can’t I pressure myself? You know my family’s situation very well, all of my mom’s hopes rest on me! In our first year, whenever she saw my grades, no matter what I got, she would be annoyed and admonish me for not being first, but now that my grades are slipping, she’s stopped berating me for not being first, she’s started scolding me for being so disappointing and being a dishonour to her and my father down below.” 

There were glittering tears in Guan He’s eyes. She didn’t want me to see so she turned her head away and pretended to be wiping away sweat when in fact, she was wiping away her tears.

“Your mother is far too strict!” I suddenly realized how lucky I was, that my parents had never scolded me because of school. “You need to learn how to control the stress. Men can’t be without it because pressure leads to motivation but you can’t have too much pressure or it’ll crush you! Don’t take the weight of everything yourself, you need to let your mom know that you’re trying your hardest already, and tell her to not force you so much. Speed isn’t enough in many cases, and it just makes it harder to achieve your original goal.”

Guan He didn’t reply. I didn’t know if I had managed to hit the target. Compared to Lin Yiran and Yang Jun, Guan He was much more mature, but because of that, she was very good at hiding her emotions, making communicating with her immensely difficult.

Guan He suddenly smiled. “Stop talking about annoying study in such a rare outing. What’s going on with you and Zhang Jun? I heard that you two broke up, is that true?”

My heart rose in stress. “Did Zhang Jun tell you?”

“No, no, Zhang Jun didn’t say anything. It’s just that you guys haven’t been together in quite a while and Zhang Jun’s looked so depressed and his grades dropped so much, so everyone started guessing.”

“We had a fight a few days back.”

“Is that so.” Guan He looked at my expression and asked carefully, “Qiqi, do you still like Zhang Jun?”

I was too embarrassed to answer her so I only nodded.

The expression in Guan He’s eyes became complicated. “Why did you guys fight?”

“It’s so stupid, because of study. His grades weren’t able to rise up like we wanted so I talked about it a little and now he thinks that I only have studying in my heart and that I don’t care about him at all.”

The look in Guan He’s eyes became even more complicated but she smiled and said, “Let’s go back, otherwise my mother will scold me again.”

As it was the summer holidays, the school invited seniors who had managed to get into famous universities such as Tsinghua, Peking, and Fudan to tell us about their study experiences and share with us their university life. They also welcomed everyone to ask questions about study methods or about university degrees and life.

The atmosphere was very lively. It was like everyone had a billion questions that they wanted to ask: which school was better, which course was more popular, which degree got better jobs, which city didn’t mind outsiders…

When the principal invited Chen Jin on stage, the event was pushed to another climax.

“Chen Jin went to exchange at Hong Kong Chinese University and has also just come back from Europe. Next, let us welcome him to tell us about his experiences after graduating high school.”

Amidst the exuberant clapping, Chen Jin stepped onto the stage wearing a white shirt and grey pants, his temperament and demeanor completely changed from before. All of his sharpness had turned into restrained self-confidence, and since architecture was half based off of an arts degree, his movements showed a casual elegance and sophistication.

His speech was simple and short. He first introduced himself briefly and told us to ask him any question we wished. Yang Jun asked a question that would never have an answer, “Which one’s better, Tsinghua or Peking?”

“Tsinghua’s canteen is much better than Peking’s so if you want better food, then you should come to Tsinghua,” he joked. Taking a glance at the students from Peking sitting below, he continued, “Of course, men can not live on physical needs alone; they also have spiritual needs. In terms of dating, Peking is the more superior choice.”

Everyone laughed.

He also talked about Hong Kong Chinese University as per popular demand. The completely different teaching methods taught in pure English made everyone feel both curious and envious. Someone raised their hand. “Was it hard to become an exchange student to a European university?”

“It wasn’t easy because there were many people fighting for the opportunity, but it wasn’t hard either because it was all a matter of hard work.”

I smiled. He was doing an architectural course so he would never miss out on a chance to see the ancient architecture of Europe, no matter how difficult. 

Guan He raised her hand and asked a very girly question. “Is Paris as romantic as they say on TV?”

“Not only Paris, Venice and Greek too are beautiful and suitable for lovers. I went last time as a study trip but I sincerely wish that I’ll be able to journey in Europe for love sometime in the future.”

Everyone laughed again, including the principal and teachers. Amidst our laughter, we all felt as if we were no longer children but had matured into adults.

Many more questions were asked and he answered them all with humour and wits.

As the event drew to an end, the principal asked him what he wanted to say the most towards his juniors.

Chen Jin thought a little and said, “I used to be in the same grade as you guys. I know some people amongst you and understand some of you. I want to say that the outside world is spectacular so please, bravely fly out!”

Amidst the enthusiastic clapping, the alumni event ended. Many people were reluctant to leave and they surrounded the seniors and continued asking questions.

I slipped my hands into the pocket of my jeans and stepped outside the hall, looking up into the distance.

The blue sky, the white clouds, the bright sunlight, the world was spectacular but where was my magnificence? Zhang Jun? Was he willing to become my magnificence?

“Luo Qiqi!”

I turned around and saw Chen Jin lightly jogging towards me. “Hi!”

“Hey!”

We walked side by side along the boulevard. The school grounds were empty and silent because it was the summer holidays, making it seem as if the sky was extraordinarily tall, the wind unparalleledly clear, and the world as if it was a vast place.

He smiled. “Have you decided whether you’ll choose Tsinghua or Peking?”

“Probably neither.”

“Why?”

I didn’t want to answer him but gave him a simple smile. The highest rank Zhang Jun had ever gotten was twenty-ninth. It was impossible to get into either Tsinghua or Peking with those grades, but I had already decided that I wanted to go to the same school as him.

“If you don’t want to get into Tsinghua or Peking, why are you trying so hard?”

“I don’t know.”

“There’s no way that you wouldn’t know. Do you not want to tell me? If that’s the case, then just pretend that I never asked.”

His retreat worked to open me up. I thought about it and said, “I started studying studiously since the first year of high school, but at the start, I did for others, trying to grant their wishes. Eventually though, I started enjoying the process of studying despite the struggles, and the joy of receiving its rewards. Studying made me change a lot.”

Chen Jin listened intently, “What changes?”

“To outsiders, it was simply the change of a girl from being bad at studying to becoming top of the grade, but I know that there were greater changes to my personality. I can feel confident now no matter who I stand in front of. For example, when I saw you before, I would unconsciously believe that I would never be able to reach your heights. I would tell myself that we weren’t of the same world, but now, no matter what amazing results you get, I feel that as long as I put in enough effort, I can also achieve them. If I wasn’t able to do it then it only meant that I wasn’t trying hard enough.”

“From the moment we’re born, we begin repeating this process of sowing and reaping, and through this process, we gradually change into two types of people. One type achieves success through hard work and as time passes by, they become more and more willing to try and will become more and more successful, so their world is a happy one; the other type of person wishes for success but is unwilling to put the effort in so they can only reap failures. As time goes on, they will become more and more unwilling to try, and fail more and more, so their world is a sad one. Studying may appear simple and boring, but it’s the thing that occupies the first ten or so years of your life. To create a positive and optimistic personality through this process of pain and gain is more important to your life than simply grades,” Chen Jin said.

“Mm.” I nodded. “When I was a kid, I was confused and doubtful when I thought about the future. I didn’t know what kind of person I would become and what would become of my life but now, even though I still feel confusion, I’m no longer afraid of the future because I know that as long as I work hard, I can control my own life and become who I want to become.

Chen Jin laughed. “You said that you were only studying for others at the start, but later, you started studying for yourself. You enjoy the feeling of success after hard work. A change in motivation means a change in goal. It doesn’t matter whether or not you get into Tsinghua or Peking, those are only momentary glories. What’s important is what type of life you want to live.”

I didn’t reply but I completely agreed to what he had just said. When I was reading Liu Yong and San Mao* and fell in love with the world flowing out of their pen tips, and wished to travel the world myself, I knew that I was no longer that girl who was willing to stay in a single city for their entire life.

(Famous Chinese authors who writes kind of like adventure stories for children that are actually quite dark)

We walked until the end of the avenue and we both stopped and turned around to look at the red brick building that was our classroom.

The white poplar trees next to the road reached up to the sky. Students walked by in groups of three or five, their eyes youthful, full of confidence, filling the school with the sound of their laughter.

“Do you see?” Chen Jin asked.

I understood that he was not only pointing at the scene in front of me, but rather the exciting world in front of our youth. I nodded. “I see.”

Zhang Jun, Guan He and Huan Wei walked over, chatting and laughing. It was only when we were right in front of each other did they see Chen Jin and I standing next to the stairs.

Having just seen the blue sky and white clouds, my heart was feeling soft, and clean and I gazed at them, smiling.

Guan He looked at Chen Jin and I curiously, the envy in her eyes hidden, but Huang Wei turned her head away in disdain, although it clearly lacked confidence.

Chen Jin waved to Zhang Jun who stopped and chatted with Chen Jin a little, but never once looked at me.

In a split second, the brightness that talking with Chen Jin brought to me vanished. I felt so tired. Even though it might have appeared to an outsider that my grades weren’t affected at all, that I was the careless person in this relationship, my weight dropped from 100 to 91.5 pounds* in a few weeks. Only I knew of the exhaustion of my mind and body.

(*45kg to 41kg)

When Zhang Jun had left, I said my goodbyes to Chen Jin. “Thank you.”

“No problem, I hope that I’ll be able to treat you to lunch next year’s September in Tsinghua.”

I smiled and walked towards the maths block.

One one side, there was the ever-more stressful school year, on the other was the continued fight between Zhang Jun and I.

Lin Yiran and Yang Jun treated me carefully, their sympathy as clear as day, but I had to force my spirit up to pretend that I didn’t care.

With nowhere to vent out my frustrations, pimples started popping up on my forehead. My body started to give out before my heart.

Over-exhaustion made me crave for a result, whether it be good or bad.

I decided to give the choice to Zhang Jun to make.

After school was finished, I went to find Zhang Jun but he ignored me.

I called his name several times but he continued walking so I could only say behind him, “If you want to break up, then let us break up.”

He suddenly stopped and turned to look at me.

“It’s really annoying for us to just leave things in a tangle like this. We might as well clear it out and walk our own roads. If you want to break up, then let’s break up,” I said.

After a while, he asked with a hoarse voice, “Do you have a new crush?”

“No.”

He looked at me, silent.

I forced a smile. “Since you don’t have any objections, then let’s break up! Goodbye!”

I strode towards outside the school gates, my steps firm, my heart in pain. I wanted to force myself to give up but I wasn’t ready to truly let him go in my heart, so I had to leave the final decision up to him.

What would his decision be?

The first day, I waited anxiously. There was no response from him.

The second day, I was tormented by it but he still didn’t appear.

On the third day, I wanted to find him and tell him that I regretted it and that I didn’t want to break up, but whatever remained of my pride and logic kept me in control.

A week after my break up with Zhang Jun, he finally reappeared before my eyes.

That morning, the moment I walked outside the door, I saw him waiting for me downstairs. In that moment, my heart which had been under so much turmoil finally calmed down. All the pain, anxiety and sorrow all vanished. It turned out no matter how much I tried to control my emotions logically, the reign over them had always been in his hands.

Still, was it good to give over control over one’s emotion to another person? He was able to push me away at any moment.

“I don’t want to break up, I want to make up. Can we?” he said.

“I have one condition.”

“I promise you.” Zhang Jun promised without even asking.

“No matter what happens between us, never give up on study. Men should never mistake decadence for sorrow.”

Zhang Jun looked at me in surprise and disappointment. “I promise.”

“Sadness is sadness, and decadence is decadence. Sadness is because of the past but decadence will destroy your future. Never degrade yourself because of sadness and bury your future along with your past.

Zhang Jun made no comment towards what I said and only asked, “Are we together again?”

I silently nodded but I felt no happiness, only the exhaustion of surviving. This time, I was able to win the bet but what about next time?

It was as if I had changed into two completely different people. In the realm of emotions, I loved him truly, but in the realm of logic, I only avoided him.

In this world, everything had a turning point. Before the turning point, things would develop towards one direction but after the point was passed, it would start going towards another direction.

Many years later, I would often wonder if he had chosen to not confess to the past on his birthday, but had allowed me to confess my feelings towards him, if I ran down stairs to meet him that night when he was drunk, if he was willing to talk to me after we ran the eight-hundred metre, would everything had changed?

Unfortunately, there weren’t so many ‘ifs’.

Zhang Jun acted differently towards me from before. I felt that he wasn’t happy about our reconciliation this time.

Everyday, he would make reluctant compromises, accommodate me carefully, and bluff his happinesses.

Maybe I was also full of ‘ifs’ in his world, but reality was not built on possibilities. Such was destiny.

Many years later, when I was sitting in a New York cafe reading books, I suddenly came across this line: “人们将生命中的错误聚集到一起，创造出一个恶魔，叫命运。”

“Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call destiny.”

Previous Chapter|TOC|Next Chapter

V3C14: Target, State Rank One!

When the results for midterms came back, I was victorious once more. This time, I wasn’t just first place, the score difference between me and the person who got second place was more than twenty marks, whilst the difference between the second and third places was just a single mark.

In the eyes of both teachers and students, it was as if I was being carried up by a rocket, climbing and climbing. I wasn’t just first in the school in their eyes anymore, I was the potential first in the state.

During our parent-teacher interviews, the elderly principal made sure to talk to my parents personally, expressing that as long as my family and the school worked together, there was a high chance of the first female to rank first in the sciences being me. My parents were flattered and promised to cooperate fully with the teachers.

Zhang Jun was able to improve slightly to the twenty-ninth in the grade, but Guan He slipped down again to forty-somethingth.

When Lin Yiran and I went to see our results, a few students in the grade below us were also looking at our rankings and talking about me, things about how Luo Qiqi was always late to class, never listened in class, disliked doing homework, and how Luo Qiqi was dating the most handsome but also the most flirtatious man in her grade, always going out to cinemas and clubs…

They made exaggerated hand gestures as they spoke, sometimes exploding into exclamation as if I was able to get rank one without studying at all.

I looked up at the ranking board and sighed. Lin Yiran couldn’t stop her laughing.

A girl pointed at Zhang Jun’s name for them. “Do you see this? Zhang Jun used to be always at rank seventy or eighty, but ever since he got together with Luo Qiqi, his grades were able to get better and better under her help.”

I couldn’t help but retort, “Zhang Jun had never needed Luo Qiqi to help him. He learnt everything himself and he’s never asked her any questions regarding studying.” Zhang Jun was proud, if he heard those rumors, he would definitely get upset.

The girls looked at me as if I was crazy and continued their gossip as if they didn’t hear me at all, and as they were talking, left.

Just then, I saw that Guan He was also amongst the crowd looking at the ranking board. I waved at her and was about to start a conversation with her, but she left immediately. Even though her expression was polite, I could feel her impatience. I was too worried about the rumours just then though and didn’t think too deeply about her reaction. 

After midterms, it was clear that all the teachers had started their strategy. There was at least one set of tests for each of the sciences, and it wasn’t much better for Chinese or English, many people had to stay up till one in the morning to be able to complete all of the homework. I used to not hand in my homework occasionally, but now I stopped handing it in entirely. My personal rules were that I either did it to my best, or didn’t do it at all- I never wasted my time glossing over essays or copying another’s homework. Nevertheless, even though I didn’t hand in my work, my grades only improved, so the teachers ignored me for the most part as the rumors around me turned more and more otherworldly. 

Under the continuously increasing stress of each subject, many students began to improve with each test, but many students slipped down as well. Shen Yuanzhe was one of those who fell the hardest.

He came to me for help, stressed out of his mind, telling me that he was trying his hardest but for some reason, his grades kept falling. In order to help him, I left Lin Yiran and Yang Jun for the first time and became deskmates with him.

I found that observing his study methods, he really was hardworking and completed all the work that the teachers set in earnest, but the problem was just that- he was too earnest, too thorough. 

I went through his test papers from each subject, and from the sea of questions that the teachers set us, picked out the select few I found would be the most valuable in regards to his abilities. I told him that it would be better to spend the entire night focusing on them, rather than trying to finish all the homework.

Shen Yuanzhe followed my orders and diligently did all the questions I picked out. When he was done, he thought that it was all finished, he didn’t expect me to ask him to memorize them as well. He was surprised. “But the questions for the sciences are always different. Do I still need to memorize them?” 

“What I really want is for you to think about the thought process behind each question, because no matter how many questions there are, they’re all built from the same foundation. Thinking about it the right way isn’t something I can teach you, it’s just something you’ll have to experience for yourself.”

Due to my request, Shen Yuanzhe would often have to spend three or four times more time than he had before, which resulted in him being unable to complete the homework set for us. Still, he was a good student and refused to not hand in the homework, so he had to copy the work of others. Everyone teased him for following Luo Qiqi’s bad example.

On the nights I wasn’t walking home with Zhang Jun, I would find time to ask Shen Yuanzhe to walk with me and I would quiz him on last week’s questions, asking him over and over why he chose to solve it the way he did.

The period from five to seven days afterwards was the optimal time period for memorization, reliving memories at around that time would ensure that the information would enter the long-term memory. Asking him the same questions again and again would help him understand, the point being not to solve the questions, but to understand the ‘why’ behind it. 

I had wanted to tell Zhang Jun about those days I chose to walk home with Shen Yuanzhe, but I discovered that he was too busy taking the long way around with Guan He to mind about me.

In my anger, I chose not to say anything, and turned my head to focus on tutoring Shen Yuanzhe.

One night, after I had finished quizzing Shen Yuanzhe, I felt frustrated and sat next to Shen Yuanzhe on the chair by the flowerbed.

The stress of studying, the uncertainty of the future, Zhang Jun’s attractiveness, the pressure of being together with him, and the beautiful and exceptional Guan He… I was unable to take it all and for the first time, I confided everything to him about my jealousy of Guan He.

I told Shen Yuanzhe that even though Guan He saw me as a friend, I was constantly envious of her, that I was usually able to control it, but everytime Zhang Jun became involved, I would break, that sometimes, just seeing her talking to Zhang Jun between classes would make me feel down, and all kinds of negative emotions like depressions and jealousy would appear.

“Have you talked with Zhang Jun?” Shen Yuanzhe asked.

“I would never tell him.” I liked him, therefore I would never want such an ugly side of me to be exposed.

“You don’t have to beat yourself up over it. It’s common to be jealous of someone, the only difference is that the person you’re jealous of is a friend. Still, you’ve never done anything wrong towards Guan He.”

Slowly, my spirits rose a little.

This was probably the first time a girl had ever opened their heart up to Shen Yuanzhe so much, and he asked curiously, “Why do you trust me so much? And why do you help me so much as well? I’ve known that you were since first year, no matter what I proposed, you would support me with your all. You always look so extroverted and easy going, but you’re actually very stubborn and sensitive- it feels to others like it’s easy to become close with you, but it’s hard for anyone to truly become your friend.”

I smiled and shook my head. “Do you really not remember? We’ve talked in middle school.”

He frowned and said very certainly, “No, I wouldn’t have forgotten if we had ever talked before.”

“Don’t be so sure, think again!”

“I’ve heard of your name, and I knew that you were smart, good at public speaking, good at debating, and had even gone onto television before, and that you were the famous celebrity of our grade, but we had never talked before.”

I laughed. “Famous? You meant infamous?”

Shen Yuanzhe was still thinking hard about it. “I really don’t remember us talking.”

“In first grade of middle school, there was a girl crying on the table in Class 1,” I reminded him.

He still wasn’t able to remember and I smiled. “I was chased by Ju Baopeng and was made to sit amongst the rubbish bins in the back of the classroom. I was crying from distress. You were on your way to Class 2 or something to see your sister and came in when you heard me crying and patiently comforted me, talking with me for nearly forty minutes, only leaving when you saw that I had stopped crying.”

“As a child, I was sick often so I started school late, so since I was older than you, I always liked to act the ‘all knowing older brother’, but I don’t remember ever talking to you.” He had clearly started to believe my words but was unable to pinpoint me from his memories. I was mixed in with all the other people that he had comforted and had left no special mark in his memory. He was shocked. “I didn’t think that we had talked so early.” 

I also felt that it was very strange. In the same time, the same space, two people witnessed two exactly same things but retained vastly different memories. One held them so clear, the other had completely forgotten.

“For you, all you had done was talk to a stranger, so it’s fairly normal for you not to remember, but for me, it was like a ray of light in my dark world. Even if we didn’t get into the same class in high school and had never become friends, I would always remember you and appreciate you.”

“You think of me too highly,” he replied.

“Do I?”

“I’m a very utilitarian person.”

“I can tell.”

He hesitated a little. “I’m not very morally upstanding in how I do things.”

“Are you talking about the school election? It was all about who could get the upper hand anyways, I could tell that you weren’t that warm and kind person you put yourself to be ever since third grade of middle school.” I patted his shoulder as I would towards a friend and smiled. “My world’s never been that black and white- the only thing I think of is to be good to whoever treats me well, so you can stop looking as if you’ve lied to me.”

Shen Yuanzhe pushed up his glasses and chuckled. For the first time, I felt that we were friends.

After school on the next day, I went to Zhang Jun to tell him that I had found myself a new friend in Shen Yuanzhe. I was too embarrassed to wait for him directly outside the classroom door, so I waited for him in the corner of the stairs. However, even after most of the students had left, Zhang Jun still didn’t come out. I walked over to the door to check and found Zhang Jun sitting on his table, Guan He standing next to him, leaning on the window as the two of them chatted in a low voice. Most of the lights had been turned off already, and only the lamp on the teacher’s desk was still on. The two of them were surrounded by darkness, the low light outlining the melancholy on Guan He’s face, and the gentleness on Zhang Jun’s. It really was moving.

I stood in the shadow outside the classroom and watched them silently, hoping that Zhang Jun would notice me, but no such thing happened. He never took his eyes off Guan He.

I turned and slowly walked out of the corridor.

For two consecutive days, I ignored Zhang Jun, but he never appeared in front of me, though he spared no effort to walk Guan He home after school everyday.

On Friday morning, after I had finished gymnastics and had walked into the maths block, I saw Zhang Jun, Master Zhen and a few other of their friends standing in the corridor, talking and laughing about something.

Seeing me, Master Zhen said, “Look, the lady in question. Zhang Jun, go ask your princess.”

I glanced at him coldly, ignored him and walked away.

“Qiqi, Qiqi.”

Zhang Jun called after me but I never turned around. The laughing behind me immediately stopped.

I thought that he would come find me during lunch, but instead of looking for me, he was standing by Guan He and talking to her once again.

That afternoon, Shen Yuanzhe asked me, “I have two movie tickets, do you want to come?”

I agreed immediately. Let Zhang Jun have his fun with his Guan He!

There were quite a lot of people in the theatre so we had to sit at the very edge. The movie was《Butterfly Lovers》by Nicky Wu and Carlie Yeung. At first, I was laughing so much that I felt as if I was gaining abs, but towards the end, my heart ached from all the pain, and I felt as if the sadness in my heart was rushing up, wave after wave. I struggled to keep it together but at the end, I couldn’t hold it back and started bawling.

Shen Yuanzhe passed me some tissues and I started crying without a care in the world about my reputation.

Even after the movie had finished, I still had to continuously wipe away my tears. To be honest, I didn’t even know what I was crying for, whether it was the movie, or grievances from my own life. Shen Yuanzhe didn’t know what to do and could only sit there dumbly.

“Luo Qiqi, Zhang Jun’s over there.”

Shen Yuanzhe suddenly tugged on my sleeve. I looked up and saw Master Zhen and Master Jia with a strange expression on their faces, and Zhang Jun, whose own face had darkened. In his eyes there was the pain of the wronged, and confusion.

I stood up and asked in surprise, “Did you also come to watch the movies?”

Shen Yuanzhe smiled and waved. “Zhang Jun.”

The anger on Zhang Jun’s face disappeared and he walked towards Shen Yuanzhe, a grin on his face like he was going to say hello, but in a second, one of his arms was forcing down Shen Yuanzhe’s shoulder whilst the other slammed into his stomach. Only now did Shen Yuanzhe move up his hand to block the attack, but compared to Zhang Jun who grew up fighting, he was powerless. 

Zhang Jun was able to flip Shen Yuanzhe onto the floor with a few simple movements. Shen Yuanzhe’s face was full of blood but Zhang Jun lifted his feet up in preparation for another kick. His mouth still held the shape of that easygoing smile, but his eyes were filled with fierceness. At that moment, I wasn’t scared that Shen Yuanzhe would be hurt, but rather that Zhang Jun would injure him so badly that it would destroy the life which he tried so hard to restart.

I started to scream in horror. “Zhang Jun! Stop it!”

My shrill voice echoed in the empty cinema. Zhang Jun stopped his movements, looked up at me for a moment, then left.

Master Zhen casted towards me a look filled with disgust before chasing after Zhang Jun.

I kept saying to Shen Yuanzhe, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’ll take you to the hospital.”

Shen Yuanzhe held onto the chair and stood up shakily. “I’m fine, it’s just a scratch. He probably misunderstood, you should go explain to him.”

I didn’t say anything. Explain? Why should I? Just because I came out to watch a movie without telling him? He wasn’t the boss of a mafia, and I wasn’t some pet that he owned.

That night, I laid on my bed trying to sleep with no avail, my mood swinging from sorrow to anger repetitively. Just as I was turning around again, I heard a group of drunken people shouting downstairs, their voices familiar.

I climbed up in shock, flipped a corner of the curtains open, and looked down to see Zhang Jun and his friends underneath the yellow lamplight, drunk beyond measure.

They drank whilst singing Andy Lau’s 《Forget Love Potion》 at the top of their lungs towards my window. 

“Used to be youths chasing after dreams, hearts fixed on going forwards! Walked past the mountains and waters, such a long road with no return! I turned around, and my love was gone, life was not mine above the clouds! I finally understood between love and hate, the most hurtful of them is regret. If your heart was never broken, you would not understand my pain. When there are tears in my eyes, do not ask who it is for. Just let me forget it all. Ah, give me a potion to forget love…”

If I was twenty-seven that year, maybe I would have ran downstairs and hugged him tightly- then my self-esteem and his pride would have all become nothing, but I was merely seventeen and could only hide behind the curtain, listening to the singing whilst fearing that my parents would wake up.

After they finished signing, they were still reluctant to leave and the faint sounds of speaking floated up.

“Call her down, call her down.”

“Make her explain herself.”

My heart rose in fear that they would shout out my name in their drunken state. Thankfully, after they smashed a few beer bottles against the telephone pole, they stumbled away, still singing《Forget Love Potion》 at the top of their lungs.

When they hadn’t left, I was so nervous, praying for them to leave quickly, but now that they were gone, I felt a strange sense of melancholy and sorrow. Maybe I understood that, deep in my heart, we had missed yet another chance of letting go of our pride and opening up to each other.

The next day during breakfast, my parents ranted about those drunk delinquents from last night. As I listened, I couldn’t help but laugh a little.

Wolfing down my breakfast, I hid in my bedroom and called Zhang Jun. His aunt picked up and hearing that it was my voice, she said, “Zhang Jun’s still sleeping. I’ll go wake him up.”

Before, he used to pick up immediately, even if he was sleeping but now, a long time passed before his voice sounded from the other side. “What do you want?”

His voice was so cold that I almost hung up but I still continued, “I… Nothing much.”

“If there’s nothing then I’ll go to sleep.”

He finished speaking but didn’t hang up. I said with a strained voice “Then sleep!” and immediately hung up.

Just as I secretly swore to never call him again, my phone started ringing. I picked up immediately, hopeful. “Hello?”

“It’s me.”

“Mhm.”

I didn’t say anything but I didn’t hang up either.

He was silent for a while before asking, “Do you like Shen Yuanzhe?”

“What? Of course not!”

“Then did you know that he likes you?”

“No matter who spread the rumour, it’s all false!”

“Do I need gossip to know about it? I could tell that he liked you ever since summer camp. You treated him weirdly as well, so that was why I lived with him, to keep an eye on him.”

No wonder. I had always felt that it was weird how Shen Yuanzhe and Zhang Jun used to be so close to each other yet were now merely acquaintances.

“You’re probably overthinking this. Shen Yuanzhe is really nice to everyone, half naturally, half out of other motives. He’s the type to always keep a third choice open…”

Zhang Jun cut me off impatiently. “Let me ask you this, are you sitting with him right now?”

“Yes.”

“Did you walk home with him after school?”

“Yes.”

“I bore all of these without a question, but then you rejected me in front of all my friends on the weekends and went to watch movies with him- just who do you take me to be?”

I only went out with Shen Yuanzhe because you were always with Guan He.

“Do you like me or not?” he asked.

“What do you think?” I was angry that he still had to ask me this question even now. If I didn’t like him, I would be far less troubled.

“I’ll give you two choices, either me, or Shen Yuanzhe. Who are you going to choose?” he answered.

I felt distressed. “Shen Yuanzhe is my friend, and you’re my boyfriend. One relationship is friendship, the other is love, there’s no conflict between them! If I asked you to choose between Master Zhen and I, would you be happy?”

“I don’t care who you’re friends with, just no Shen Yuanzhe. For fuck’s sake, he already knew that you had a boyfriend yet he still asked you out to the movies. Did he think that I didn’t know what he was trying to do?! Trying to fucking play dirty with me, if you still have me in your heart at all, then change seats immediately. Don’t sit with him, don’t walk home with him, and don’t talk with him!”

I didn’t know what to say.

“I won’t contact you anymore this weekend, we’ll both think about it. If you keep sitting with Shen Yuanzhe on Monday, then I’ll understand.” Saying that, he slammed down the phone and hung up.

On Monday, I kept sitting with Shen Yuanzhe.

It was the chemistry common test soon and this test was extremely important for Shen Yuanzhe, I needed him to pick up confidence in himself. Without self-confidence, he would be eliminated in third year where everyone would be trying their hardest.

Zhang Jun started to ignore me. Even if he walked past each other in the corridors, he didn’t turn around to look at me once.

I went to find him many more times to explain that he had really misunderstood Shen Yuanzhe, but when I saw that he was always with either Guan He or Huang Wei, I was so tired that I didn’t want to say anything anymore. Since he was able to live happily without me, there was no reason for me to force my presence onto him.

On Thursday, our results came back. Shen Yuanzhe got a fairly decent mark and he thanked me.

“There’s no need to be this polite between friends. If you have any questions in the future you are always welcome to come find me.” I replied.

On Friday, I moved back to my original spot and continued my little triplet with Lin Yiran and Yang Jun. To show his warm welcome, Yang Jun pulled my chair back during class, making me fall to the floor whilst Lin Yiran demanded to know how I was able to keep improving my chemistry.

I was glad to have them as my rivals and proud to have them as my friends. Their existence made this cruel competition appear more fun and heartwarming.

That afternoon, when the class meeting and school was over, I carried my bag and walked home in boredom, alone.

Normally around this time, Zhang Jun would have already planned out the schedule for the night, and I was used to wasting time with him. Before, I wanted him to stop being so clingy, but now that I had so much spare time on my hands, I suddenly realised that I did not wish to be alone at all. My head was filled with images of him.

I didn’t want to go home so I sat down by the river and stared blankly at it.

I didn’t know what Zhang Jun was doing right now, but no matter what, he would never be lonely.

Suddenly, a rock landed in the water in front of me, splashing me head to toe with water.

I turned around and saw Zhang Jun standing on the bridge, a grin on his face. “Do you have anything going on tonight? I bought us some movie tickets so let’s watch them together!”

I glared at him. How could he be so calm, as if nothing had happened? Did he have even a shred of consideration for all the struggles I went through in the past week?

I turned my head, pretending that I couldn’t see him at all.

He started to throw rocks into the river, the water splashing up until my hair and body were all wet, but I angrily pretended that nothing had happened and continued staring into the distance.

As he threw the rocks, he smiled gleefully. “Are you coming or not? If you’re not coming, then I’ll have to keep throwing. There’s an endless supply of rocks here, you know.”

I sat as still as a rock, firm in my decision to ignore him.

Suddenly, the flying rocks stopped coming and the splashes which were surrounding me vanished. His voice disappeared and the world suddenly became too quiet, with only the flowing river and my own breathing.

I started to get worried but I stubbornly refused to turn my head around.    

Time dragged on. I was no longer just worried, I started to become scared. Was he still there? Did he get angry again? Maybe he has already left?

In the end, I couldn’t help but turn around.

The summer dawn had dyed the small bridge red a while ago. The night wind blew gently across the river as he stood against the railing, his clothes fluttering in the wind. Everything was as beautiful as a painting, but on his face there was a sly smirk that did not fit into the beautiful scene, pleased with his successful trickery. “You still turned around!”

I got up and walked away in anger and he hurriedly flipped over the railing to chase after me. “Qiqi, it’s my fault, I’ll apologize.”

“It was my fault the other day. I shouldn’t have hit him”

“I promise I’ll never interfere with your freedom with making friends and to never hit anyone again.”

I remained silent and kept walking. He wanted to help me take my bag but I clutched onto it tightly.

“Qiqi, are you really breaking up with me for Shen Yuanzhe?”

I slowed down. Seeing the opportunity, he immediately reached for my bag. I no longer refused him and allowed him to take it.

He relaxed and smiled. “I’ll wait for you at the bridge tonight. When can you finish dinner? Or maybe lie to your mum and don’t eat at home, let’s go eat in the night market.”

I wasn’t able to say anything. I wasn’t like him, so easily angered but so easily appeased, my thoughts were still trying to process everything.

“Qiqi, don’t be angry, I’ve already said that it’s all my fault. Say something!”

“I need to eat dinner at home but I’ll make sure to eat less and come out after dinner.”

He smiled and snapped his finger. “My Qiqi is always so smart”

Amidst our chatter, we were able to reconcile as if nothing had happened.

I had thought that this was just a small conflict like before and would pass before long as we reconciled, but I didn’t realize that from the very beginning, he had said those words, ‘it’s my fault’. He had let go of his self-esteem because of his love, because of his fear of losing me, but the self-esteem of a man was like a spring. It might be pushed down by the pressure of the world, but eventually, it would bounce back again, even higher than before.

---

Luci: Shen Yuanzhe deserved better smh

Previous Chapter|TOC|Next Chapter

V3C13: Doubts of Love

After the second semester started, we were separated into science and literature classes*. Our original classes acted as our new science classes, and two new classes, Class 10 and Class 11, were added for the students who chose literature.

*(These class separations are added on top of the compulsory subjects; Chinese, maths, English. Literature classes are tested on history, geography, and politics for their gaokao/SAT/HSC/whatever end of highschool equivalent you have in your country, whilst science classes are tested on physics, chemistry, and biology.)

For Zhang Jun, our close friends, and I, this class separation had no effect as we all had chosen science anyways.

Zhang Jun and I upheld our agreement from last semester to give each other some space. We no longer walked home together everyday, and on some weekends, I could go out with Lin Yiran, Yang Jun, Shen Yuanzhe and the others.

Zhang Jun really enjoyed playing around, whether it was dancing, singing or sports, he was good at them all. Huang Wei also enjoyed playing, and he started to hang out with her a lot.

At first, I didn’t take much notice, but soon afterwards, Zhang Jun would often take Huang Wei home after school. I started to feel a little uncomfortable.

But back then, I was prideful, so proud that I felt disdain at showing my jealousy so when he asked me, “Do you mind if I walk home with some other girls when I’m not going home with you?” I had feigned nonchalance and smiled. “Why would I mind?”

Zhang Jun shrugged indifferently. “As long as you don’t mind then.”

I was angry at his indifference, but I didn’t know that he was angry at mine as well. 

It was only a long time later that I realized in this relationship, I wasn’t the only one afraid of the uncertainties. He was already disappointed in me rejecting his offer to walk me home, and now that I didn’t even mind him walking home with another girl, he wasn’t just disappointed anymore. He was hurt.

But I however didn’t understand his thoughts at all. Because I was angry, I pretended to be fine, yet I treated him coldly, and even though I wanted to see him, I only hung out with Yang Jun, Sheng Yuanzhe and Lin Yiran.

Naturally, seeing me like this, Master Zhen and Tong Yunzhu would try to persuade Zhang Jun into breaking up with me, and then when Yang Jun and Lin Yiran saw Zhang Jun hanging out with another girl, not caring about my feelings at all, they would feel discontented towards him in turn.

Nevertheless though, after Zhang Jun got over his hurt, he would ignore the suggestions of his friends and decide that he would treat me even better. He thought that as long as he treated me well, I will learn to truly love him and care about him.

Back then, I was clueless about the fluctuations in his mood, all I knew was that I was angry. Then suddenly, Zhang Jun stopped walking Huang Wei home and hanging out with her alone. We were able to reconcile because of just how good he was to me, and how much I liked him, but that kind of reconciliation, though sweet, didn’t solve any problems. It was simply the concession and sacrifice of one side.

It was Zhang Jun’s birthday in April. That day, he invited all his friends, both in and out of school. The room was filled full with people.

Guan He was shocked. “Where did Zhang Jun meet all these people?” she asked.

“Those willing to spend money always have a lot of friends,” I replied.

“What did you prepare for Zhang Jun?” she asked me.

“Is my attendance not the best present for him?

“Don’t joke around, did you seriously not bring a present?”

I looked at Zhang Jun and, seeing that he was talking with someone else and not looking over here, I opened my backpack and showed Guan He a pretty glass bottle. Inside it were ninety-nine lucky stars, representing forever.

“It’s so pretty!” She leaned in to look at it more closely.

“I folded these myself. Each lucky star contains a sentence to him.” I whispered to her.

Guan He’s eyes relaxed. “I made a wind charm for Zhang Jun. It took about a weekend.”

I sighed inwardly. Her pride was stronger than even mine. I was the typical ‘closeness was pain, farness was nonchalance’. The more I cared about someone, the more proud I acted, but towards people that I didn’t care about, I wasn’t bothered to show the same pride. Guan He however, was proud and dignified to everyone.

Guan He and I did not know most of the people there and we weren’t interested in meeting them, so we just sat in the corner and chatted.

Zhang Jun led a few people towards our table. “Qiqi, Guan He, do you still remember them?”

Everyone froze for a moment before we all screamed in excitement: they were my primary school classmates. These years, I had almost cut off all my ties with my primary school classmates to get rid of those miserable memories, and now, four years later, we were finally able to meet again. Maybe it was because I had a great life now, but with my newfound confidence, I was able to see them with ease- there was even the joy of a reunion.

Some were just about to graduate from college, some were already going to work at their internship companies; some were making small businesses, whilst some of the girls were already engaged, and there were a few that were still in high school like us. A few years had passed and the people that had once sat in the same classroom as I had gone off onto a completely different track of life.

Everyone was squeezed together, eager to exchange gossip. Names after names were being mentioned, and all of them seemed familiar, but I had to think for a while before remembering them.

When they mentioned Zhou Yun, and said that she was studying in an experimental high school, my heart shook uncontrollable, my face keeping its smile in high alert mode, fearing that they might bring something up even though I knew that a fountain pen that costed barely over a dollar was nothing in between the the troubles of growing up. 

When everyone had finished exchanging news, we started talking about our stories during primary. We mocked Gao Fei for crying even harder than the girls whilst watching Mother Love Me Once Again, so much that he wetted an entire red tie. Gao Fei refused to acknowledge his dark history and tried to refute it, but was easily suppressed by everyone else’s united force. 

Gao Fei’s girlfriend stared at him as if she had just met him. Everyone laughed gleefully.

They also exposed each other, talking about tales from our primary school times. Everyone said that Zhang Jun was really good at writing love letters, and that almost all of their love letters were written by him. Someone pointed at another person and said to Guan He, “His love letter to you was written by Zhang Jun.” Another one immediately pointed at Gao Fei and said, “His love letter to you was also written by Zhang Jun.”

Gao Fei’s girlfriend pretended to become angry and shadily said to Gao Fei, “I think that I really don’t understand you enough. We should have a good chat when we go back tonight.”

Gao Fei however, thought that she was serious and hurriedly replied, “Literally everyone in the class liked Guan He and passed her paper slips.” 

He pointed at each of the guys in turn and asked, “You, did you like her? And you! I remember that after Guan He rejected you, you stole your dad’s drinks and told us to drink with you, and then you ended up being thrashed by your dad.” 

He then pointed at Zhang Jun, “And you, didn’t you ask Guan He out? And after you got rejected, you had the balls to say that ‘it wasn’t my problem Guan He just didn’t know how to appreciate beauty.’”

Guan He blushed and curled her hands. “Please, that’s from such a long time ago, there’s no need to talk about it.”

After Gao Fei arrogantly proved that every guy present had formerly nursed a crush on Guan He, he continued to his girlfriend, “We were all just messing around back then. It wasn’t true love between a man and a woman, otherwise why would we promise to take turns to ask her out? We even made a bet that whoever managed to get her would win ten dollars from everyone else.”

Gao Fei’s girlfriend asked curiously, “Then who managed to get her?”

“Guan He’s like the Himalayas. We didn’t even get halfway before we had all perished.”

Everyone laughed again.

Zhang Jun sat by my side, one hand on the back of my chair, the other holding up his head. He looked at me, his mouth curved into a smile. 

I also kept up a gentle smile but my heart was bitter. If it was any other girl, I wouldn’t have minded, but he was the Zhang Jun whom I loved to the point of self-destructive self-esteem, and she was the Guan He whom I was envious of to the point of self-hatred. In front of them, I had no confidence in my ability to let go.

Under the continuous request of Guan He, they stopped talking about her and turned their eyes onto Zhang Jun and I. 

“Explain how you two managed to get together. Who chased who?”

“It took you two long enough.”

“I always thought that it was just a rumour, and I’ve only now come to believe it. You guys managed to keep it a secret so well. Which one of you liked the other one first?”

Zhang Jun looked at me and smiled. “I liked her first, of course.”

Gao Fei’s girlfriend asked me, “I heard that you’re the number one of First High, is that true?” I nodded and she squealed. “Ah! I’m sitting with the number one of First High! The future Peking or Beijing University student!” 

She grabbed a long glass bottle, pretended that it was a microphone and asked, “Out of curiosity, I’ve never heard of a good student that was able to get top in the grade, and date. Do you mind telling me what attracted you to Zhang Jun?”

I blushed deeply and replied dumbly, “I’m not a good student.”

“Please, if the first in the grade isn’t a good student then what is? Overly humble is a show of pride you know!” Everyone started laughing except Guan He, whose smile became more and more forced.

Gao Fei’s girlfriend moved the ‘microphone’ in front of Zhang Jun. “How does it feel to have the first in the grade as your girlfriend?”

I felt uncomfortable to the extreme. Zhang Jun smiled but didn’t say anything. Just then, some person from another table called for him and he took the opportunity to stand up. “I’ll be right back,” he said easily, and left. 

When everyone arrived, we started to eat whilst singing karaoke. The speakers in the restaurant weren’t very good and had little sound correction capability, most people were very invested in their singing, but it sounded quite horrible.

Our primary school friends cheered for Guan He. “Go show them what true singing is,” they called.

Guan He tried to refuse before picking up the microphone. 

Guan He picked an old song, 《Walk Gracefully》by Ye Qianwen, which had spread across the land a few years back. When the song started, everyone unconsciously fell silent.

The vast skies and hurried men, the tide’s rise and fall,
The love and hate and life and death, who can see through them all,
Oh life, it flows on, oh love, it holds true,
There will always be a time to leave,
One part drunk and one part clear,
At least I have you in my dreams,
I gambled my youth for a better tomorrow,
And you used love to change this life,
Time never knew the depths of man’s sorrows,
So why not walk gracefully just this time.

The melody of the song appeared very melodic, but it still wasn’t an easy song to sing. If you wanted to capture the courage and easiness of it, you needed to have a strong voice. Guan He’s voice was just like her temperament, the outside soft and the inside steely, and she was able to capture the feeling of the song beautifully. I thought she sounded even better than Ye Qianwen themself.

Everyone was captivated and applauded her vigorously. 

I glanced at Zhang Jun who was sitting at another table. He was looking at Guan He, his face filled with worry.

The mood rose higher and higher. Since it was an old song, everyone knew the lyrics, so they clapped whilst singing along with Guan He. I didn’t wish to look different so I clapped along with the others, but my beat was always off-rhythm.

When she had finished singing, everyone shouted, “Encore, encore!”

Guan He smiled and placed down the microphone, walked over and pushed me lightly. “You go sing as well.”

I shrank backwards, firm in my decision to refuse. Was she joking? The real gem had just gone up. If I went now, wasn’t that the same as a duckling trying to compete with a swan?

The entire table was full of people that loved chaos, and everyone immediately went wild. “Luo Qiqi! Luo Qiqi!”

I looked to Guan He, pleading for help, hoping she would understand that I didn’t want to be put in the spotlight. I couldn’t sing the song for the Literary Performance after months of practice, so how could I possibly sing something impromptu? The normally kind and understanding Guan He though, looked as if she was unable to understand my wishes and joined the crowd. 

As they continued urging me, even those who didn’t know me also began shouting, “Luo Qiqi!” knowing that I was Zhang Jun’s girlfriend. I kept refusing, so much that even I was disgusted by myself, but the crowd still persisted in their shouting, especially the girls. 

Judging them with my own distrustful heart, I felt confident that they just wanted to see me fail*.

(*Someone in the audience please send help for this sentence, I don’t know what Luci was trying to say ;-;)

Finally, I was pushed in front of the screen.

What should I sing? I really didn’t know what to pick. I liked the soft and supple old songs, and American country music, and I rarely took notice of popular trends. The more I wanted to think something up fast, the less I was able to pick a song. Everyone was waiting for me silently and the atmosphere was very strange.

Great! Now I had surely made an embarrassment out of myself, and in front of all of Zhang Jun’s friends as well!

Even my shamelessness was unable to shield me, and I felt like crawling into a hole in the ground.

I was standing there, feeling immensely awkward when Zhang Jun raised his hand, holding a microphone and asked loudly, “I politely request to sing a duet with my Qiqi. Does anyone have any problems?”

“No, no! Of course not!” Everyone started laughing, and that awkward atmosphere vanished immediately.

Zhang Jun whispered something to Master Zhen and walked to my side, holding his microphone. The speaker started playing a familiar tune: it was one of Jack Cheung’s songs that Zhang Jun would often sing for me.

I’m not asking, not seeking for anything,
Breaking through the heavens, my only wish,
Is to see you after night falls, after all my struggles,
Did you know that?
Whether a simple life, whether a frugal life,
If when the sun rises,
When the dawn breaks, I can see you,
That is the best life.

The world around me is like a passing breeze and you are my only anchor,
I’m not leaving you, I vow to stay with you, with this never ending love,
And so with every passing day, this drunken man,
Will love you more and more until it overflows.

I realized I loved staying by your side,
Writing out the midnight of tomorrow,
And with every passing day, this deep affection,
Had grown more and more until it overflowed.
I want to stay with you forever,
Not fearing the storms of tomorrow,
For what is fame and what is wealth,
They taste sweet, but if,
Day and night I could see you,
Then it will be a good life.

The world around me is like a passing breeze and you are my only anchor,
I’m not leaving you, I vow to stay with you, with this never ending love,
And so with every passing day, this drunken man,
Will love you more and more until it overflows.

Even though it was supposed to be a duet between Zhang Jun and I, it was actually just a solo from Zhang Jun. I sang a little at the start but afterwards, I decided that his singing was good enough already and that I wasn’t needed, so I stopped singing altogether and only listened to him.

He stood at the other side of the screen, not looking at the lyrics but at me. I kept motioning at him, hoping that he would understand and move his gaze elsewhere but he continued staring at me, making me feel both embarrassed and annoyed. 

He was staring at me so clearly that everyone started cheering and clapping. I could only turn around to look at the screen and pretend that I was looking at the lyrics.

When the song finished, many of the guys whistled and laughed at Zhang Jun. “That one doesn’t count. Zhang Jun sang that. Luo Qiqi, sing another one.”

Zhang Jun smiled at them, promptly ignored them, passed the mic to another person, and dragged me back to the table. 

All of our primary school friends shivered, pretending to be disgusted at our public display of affection. Gao Fei’s girlfriend scolded him, “Do you see this? This is your role model.”

Gao Fei rolled up his sleeve to show her his arm. “Do you see this? I have goosebumps everywhere.”

Guan He stared at Zhang Jun at I before turning around to stare at the screen, as if intently listening to the song. 

At around ten, everyone sang happy birthday to Zhang Jun, then left. Probably because of the incident from my birthday party, Master Zhen did not request to see my present for Zhang Jun. Everyone else’s pressuring was also forced down heartlessly.

Master Zhen, his friends, and I helped Zhang Jun carry his presents home. When they had all left, I took out the birthday present I had prepared for him.

Zhang Jun shook the glass bottle lightly, and seeing the colourful lucky stars inside, he asked happily, “Did you fold all of these yourself?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you.” Zhang Jun looked around his room, opened the glass door to his book shelf and placed the glass bottle inside. This way, he would be able to see it every time he looked up whilst lying in bed.

I smiled with a secret sense of joy. I didn’t tell him that I had started preparing a few months back. I folded one everyday, each one with all of my focus, and the utmost perfectionism. Every night before I went to sleep, I would sit before my desk and think back to what had happened between us and write down on a piece of coloured paper the one sentence that I wanted to say to him most, and with those pieces of paper, I folded my lucky stars. If he opened the stars, he would see the words inside them. This bottle held ninety-nine treasured sentences that I dearly wished to say to him.

I didn’t want to tell him directly, I wanted to wait for the day when he accidentally found out and found my surprise. Thinking of his expression, I was both hopeful and nervous.

Zhang Jun walked me home and when we got to the river, I said, “Let’s sit here for a while.”

Zhang Jun, who had been in a silent daze up until now, said, “Sure.”

Apart from the lucky stars, I also prepared another present for him. I wanted to tell him, on this bridge that we grew up playing on, that I had liked him from all the way back then, until now, and in the future.

Zhang Jun sat next to me but his thoughts weren’t on me at all. He stared at the glittery river, as if in deep thought about something very troubling. He had seemed a little preoccupied the entire night, and my intuition told me that it had something to do with our primary school friends.

Maybe he’d confess to me his feelings towards Guan He?

I thought a little and decided that I’d say my words after he had spoken what he needed to say.

I didn’t speak, nor make a sound. He picked up a few rocks and threw them into the river. 

A long time later, it seemed as if he had finally made up his mind. “Qiqi, I want to tell you something.”

“Go on.”

“Do… Do you still remember Ms Zhao from primary?”

I was silent, not sure if I should reply yes or not. Back then, I hadn’t fallen in love with him. If I said yes, then it would mean that the shame from all those years ago happened in front of the person I liked, and that would make it all the more humiliating.

I didn’t know how to respond and decided to evade the question. “What about her?”

Zhang Jun stayed silent for quite a while before saying, “I stole Zhou Yun’s fountain pen. After I stole it I chucked it into the grass next to the oval.”

I had thought that hearing in person that he had truly liked Guan He would probably be the worst thing that could happen tonight but I didn’t realise that there was something worse in store. I wasn’t even able to hold onto my trained smile and could only stare at him in shock.

“Ms Zhao was really stupid. She didn’t know that if a person was brave and precise enough, they could steal something just by brushing shoulders with the other person. There was no need to stay in the classroom and wait for a good timing for the crime, and that pat-down was completely useless! If I really was greedy, I would’ve gone for a more expensive fountain pen. Who cared about some cheap, dollar-store pen…” His eyes were filled with guilt that he didn’t know how to tell me, he could only uncharacteristically ramble on until he was unable to continue, and his voice stopped suddenly in his throat.

The night was filled with a strange uneasiness.

“Qiqi, I’m sorry!” Zhang Jun whispered with lowered head, as if he was crushed so hard by unease and self-blame that he didn’t even have the courage to look at me.

I suddenly looked up and smiled at him. “You know, I guessed it was you a long time ago.”

“Huh?” He raised his head in shock and the heaviness in his eyes faded slightly.

“I’m sure you knew about your reputation in primary; fighting, smoking, drinking, chasing girls, stealing…”

I grinned at him. “We barely talked to each other before you suddenly became so nice to me, and even gave me your homework to copy. When I was late, you covered for me; when it was raining, you made sure you had an umbrella and waited for me and said something about protecting me. Hmph! When someone becomes unnaturally kind, obviously there would be ulterior motives behind it! Did you take me for a dumb kid? That I wouldn’t be able to see the clues?”

He looked at me awkwardly, that heavy self-contempt and blame starting to dissipate. “So you’ve known all this time? I’ve wanted to tell you so many times but I couldn’t manage to open my mouth, but you…”

I laughed a little. “You wanted to tell me about it at Year 6 Graduation didn’t you?”

“Yeah!” He started to believe that I had known this long ago, his expression relaxing. “Did you start ignoring me because you realized it was me?”

“Yeah! What other reason did you think it could be?” I realized that the instant a lie began, it became like rolling a snowball, growing bigger and bigger until it was completely out of control.

He let out a long breath, as if glad to be able to lift the rock that had been pushing down on him all these years. “I thought that you disliked me, that you thought it was shameful being friends with me. That’s why I really disliked Xu Xiaobo. He wasn’t that much better than me, I didn’t think… But, why did you not say that you found out at all?”

“What do you mean I didn’t show it? Do you still remember? After our maths competition, I suddenly had a nose bleed and you passed me some tissues but I slapped your hand away.”

Zhang Jun had to think for a while before he started to vaguely remember. “Oh yeah! It scared me. You looked so angry back then!”

He smiled at me, his face relieved and relaxed, thinking that I had already punished him for all those years. I smiled back.

I pretended to suddenly remember about the time and looked at my watch. “Ah! It’s already eleven. I really need to go home now.”

He hurriedly stood up to take me home.

When we had arrived underneath my apartment, I smiled and waved at him. “Bye, goodnight!”

“Qiqi,” he called.

I turned to look at him. “Even though it’s already in the past, I still feel like I should say this. I’m sorry!” he said.

I lowered my head, tears brimming my eyes but I replied lightly, “Yeah, I know.”

I ran upstairs as fast as possible, and I had barely gotten to Level Three when I lost all my power. I sat down in the corner, my body leaning on the wall of the corridor.

In the dark, I hugged myself, tears silently falling. I had always thought that back then was the start of a romantic love story, that he had liked me, at least a little. I didn’t realize that there was such a complicated story to this.

The next day, Zhang Jun called me to ask me out. I replied, “it’s almost midterms. I need to ask Lin Yiran about some questions today.”

Zhang Jun knew that I had always placed a priority on studying so he wasn’t suspicious at all. “Yeah, go. Remember to call me when you come back.” 

He also very considerately added, “if you want to focus on reviewing this week then we don’t have to meet. But remember to call me everyday.”

“Okay.”

“Studying is important but so is your body. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”

“Yeah.”

I could tell that he didn’t want to hang up, but with me pretending to not realize, he eventually left anyways.

I wasn’t angry at him. I understood that everything had happened by chance, and that he didn’t want to frame me, that it was just a joke that fate played on us, but still, I wasn’t able to turn around emotionally. I didn’t want him to realize either, so I could only choose to not meet in person for the time being. 

But, probably because the aunty that took care of Zhang Jun went home on short notice and Zhang Jun didn’t know how to take care of himself, combined with the preparations for midterms, the normally healthy Zhang Jun suddenly fell ill. He never told me though, and I only found out when the midterms were already over.

When I went to see him, Huang Wei was already there and taking care of him. If it was Guan He, I would definitely feel jealous though I wouldn’t show it and smile generously, but facing Huang Wei, I didn’t feel even an inkling of jealousy. I sat silently at the side and watched on coldly, yet that manner made it look as if I cared very much.

Zhang Jun, seeing that I was here, was extremely happy and talked to me non-stop. Not long passed before Huang Wei left by herself.

“Why did you tell Huang Wei that you were sick but not me?” I demanded.

Zhang Jun laughed. “Luo Qiqi’s jealous, Luo Qiqi’s jealous,” he teased.

I’ve gotten jealous so many times! It was just that everytime I truly got jealous, I hid it from you because I refused to let you see just how bad a person I was.

I laughed. “Don’t think too highly of yourself. I’m not jealous, I just don’t like her.”

“You’re not close with her though. Are you sure you don’t dislike her because of me?”

“If you like me, then I’ll like you back, and if you don’t like me, I’ll walk away. What does it have to do with anyone else? There are so many people that like you, am I meant to dislike them all? I don’t like her because even though she knew you already had a girlfriend, she didn’t try to keep away but instead went and acted all dubious-like. Doing that, she’s not respecting herself, or others- it’s not something any self-respecting female would do, so that’s why I dislike her.”

Zhang Jun was always protective of his friends and hurriedly jumped to her rescue. “You’re mistaken, she only sees me as a brother. We are of the most pure sibling relationship, and she only came because she heard that I was sick and was worried.”

I snickered. I didn’t know where it started, but these days, boys rejected girls by calling them sisters, and girls try to get close to the boys they like by calling them brothers. 

I went to the kitchen to pour water for Zhang Jun when I saw a kettle that got burnt out of shape. 

“Zhang Jun, what happened to the kettle.”

Zhang Jun looked at the TV and said carelessly, “I was boiling water the other day and fell asleep. The water dried up and the kettle died.”

“You slept with the water still boiling? Aren’t you afraid of gas poisoning?”

“At around two, I suddenly woke up and I thought that the room smelled a bit weird so I was able to close it in time.”

He said it in a nonchalant manner but I broke out in cold sweat. Did this person have no common sense about the dangers of gas because he never did household chores? I remembered on the first day I started cooking, my mom emphasized again and again that I had to close the gas valve, otherwise there could be explosions, poisonings, and death.

I closed the TV and stared at him with a stern face. He thought that something had happened and looked at me dumbly in fear when I started going over my knowledge on carbon monoxide poisoning and different incidents of gas explosions at home. He smiled as he nodded. “Okay, okay, you talk so much.”

We talked a bit more, then seeing that it was almost 10, I prepared to go home.

He pulled on my hand, saying nothing, but staring at me with wide, blinking, Bambi eyes.

“How about you move to your sister’s house for a few days and come back after you get better,” I said.

Zhang Jun let go of my hand. “It’s just a cold, I can take care of myself. I’ll get better in two days. Call me when you get back home.”

I thought about it a little. “Do you have a spare key? If you do, give me one so that I can come see you tomorrow. When you get better I’ll return it.”

He immediately handed his keys to me. 

I smiled and patted his head. “Rest well.”

I had already gotten out of the door when he shouted again, “Remember to call!”

My parents kept a very strict schedule. Even though it was the weekends, they still started their preparations to sleep at around eleven. 

After I brushed my teeth, I changed into the sports clothes that I normally wore for morning training, did my hair, put on my baseball cap, and waited until twelve. Hearing the snoring of my father, I rolled up a pillow and jammed it under my covers to pretend that someone was sleeping there.

Holding my shoes, I tiptoed to the living room and opened the door, slipping the key into the keyhole, turning the lock and slowly pulling up the door, then slowly letting go of the key. That way, the door was able to be closed silently. 

I listened at the entrance for a bit, and after making sure that there was no sound coming from inside, lightly closed the security door, put on my shoes and ran downstairs and all the way to Zhang Jun’s house. Opening the door lightly with the key he gave me, I felt for the light switch in the dark.

Zhang Jun was reading a book on his bed. When he heard the noise, he slipped out of his bed, took out the metal bar that he kept underneath his bed, and tiptoed out. He was just about to swing the bar when the light in the living room turned on.

We were both shocked but after seeing each other’s appearance, we started laughing.

He asked in surprise, “How did you get here?”

“I slipped out. The Enchantress always talked about how she managed to slip out of her house to play all night and I learnt a lot of methods. I’ve finally had the chance to actually put them into practice.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve waited for you under your apartment, aren’t you scared of meeting bad guys at night?”

I was afraid that if I had told him earlier but wasn’t able to slip out, he would feel happy for no reason. Nevertheless, I didn’t want to tell him this reason and only looked at him, smiling. “You mean you’re not the bad guy?”

He laughed dryly. “I’ve already returned from the path of evil. I’m now the best of the good guys.”

Walking into his bedroom, I saw that an English textbook was on the bed- he had obviously just been going through English. I didn’t expect for him to be this studious.

I was afraid he might be embarrassed and pretended that I saw nothing. “Why aren’t you sleeping yet?”

“I slept too much in the morning.”

He scratched his head, looked around a bit and said, “I’ll sleep on the floor, you sleep on the bed.”

I didn’t try to act polite. After making sure he had eaten his tablets, I fell onto his bed still in my clothes as he slept on the ground. 

This was the first time that we had ever been in a room alone, and we were both extremely excited, talking non-stop. Afterwards, I was scared that he wouldn’t be able to rest properly, and pretended that I was tired and stopped talking.

He was able to fall asleep quickly under the effect of the cold tablets. I, on the other hand, wasn’t able to sleep well because I kept calculating the time.

At around five in the morning, I got up as quietly as I could, made a simple breakfast for him, then left behind a note telling him to eat his medicine on time. After everything was ready, I hurriedly ran back home.

Arriving outside my house, I listened for any noise at the door, and after making sure that the coast was clear, I opened the door lightly with the key and tiptoed back into my room.

At around eight, my parents slowly got out of bed. Hearing the sound of them speaking, I secretly made a face at myself and slept peacefully.

When I woke up, I called Zhang Jun a couple of times and he reported that he was eating well, didn’t forget his meds, and that his sister and brother-in-law had come to visit him and made him a lot of good food. His father had also called him and told him to rest up. On the phone, he sounded so soft that my heart ached.

The next night, I followed the same procedure as yesterday, waited for my parents to sleep, then changed into my sports clothes and slipped out of my house.

When I got downstairs, Zhang Jun suddenly emerged from the shadows and bowed like a gentleman. “My dear princess, your knight is here at your service.”

“You… You…” I was happy but also worried. “Are you really sick? It seems to me that you’re as good as one gets. I’m going home.”

He immediately pretended to cough a little. “I’m still sick, I’m still sick!”

We strolled hand in hand along the street, talking about the most useless topics but feeling overwhelmingly happy.

That night, we still slept one on the bed, one on the ground. We talked and talked until it was three in the morning and my voice was cracking. Even though none of us were the talkative type, when we were together, it’s as if we had an endless supply of nonsense to talk about. 

I saw that it was already late and told Zhang Jun to hurry up and sleep. Zhang Jun rolled himself over to the side of the bed, stating that he would sleep better if he could hold my hand and that if he was able to sleep well, he would be able to get better soon.

I took hold of his hand as a response to his obnoxious request. He looked at me, and a smile spread involuntarily over his face before he suddenly straightened and pecked me on the cheek before lying down again, his eyes closed, pretending to be in deep sleep. His hand held onto mine tightly as if he was afraid that I would slip away. 

I was slightly dumbfounded and I slowly smiled, my heart filled with a sense of fulfillment.

I wasn’t like Lin Yiran, I already understood what could happen if a girl didn’t return home for the night. I also knew that boys of this age were bold and daring and that if they wanted to be a jerk, they were capable of anything. Zhang Jun wasn’t some innocent boy, he definitely knew many methods to get what he wanted, many more than ways I knew of how to slip out of my home. Still though, he didn’t do anything, only giving me the most simple and clumsy type of love.

I smiled and closed my eyes. The force that was on my hand loosened slightly and I felt him move a little, his soft lips pressing against my hand, kissing it tenderly.

I didn’t dare move from the nervousness, my heart thumping loudly in my chest. On one hand, there was the happiness in my body, but on the other, there was this fear of the unknown. As he made no further moves and only continuously kissed my hand, I slowly relaxed. I still didn’t dare to open my eyes and I continued to pretend to be sleeping, my heart drowning in sweetness.

At around six in the morning, I hurried back from Zhang Jun’s house and tiptoed into the room when my father came out of the bathroom with half-closed eyes.

I was so scared that I felt like my blood would flow backwards but I calmly called out, “Hi dad,” and casually walked over to the fridge for a drink, as if I had just gone out for a run.

My father looked at me through sleepy eyes and seeing that I was wearing sports clothing and sweating profusely, asked, “You went for a run this early?”

“Yeah, we have fitness testing in the second half of the semester. I’m scared that I won’t be able to pass the eight hundred meter run, so I’m doing some training.”

I took small sips from my drink and walked towards my room. When my door had finally closed, I wiped off the cold sweat off my forehead and silently thanked my luck.

Thank goodness that the Enchantress was experienced in these love affairs. She had told me about incidents in which they ran into their parents in the morning and that had somewhat prepared me mentally.

Zhang Jun had always been very fit physically and after a weekend, he had already recovered.

When we went back to school on Monday, we met each other in the corridor. As our eyes met, we were both embarrassed and sweet. For two consecutive nights, we slept in the same room. The small kisses, intimate touches made it seem as if we possessed a secret that was out of reach from the other students.

My heart recovered with his sickness, but I neither told him about the changes in my mindset throughout those two weeks, nor what I had suffered because of his single rebellious act.

The things in the past could stay in the past!

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Vera’s Notes:
We’re really sorry for the inconvenience! Due to assignments, Luci finished this very late last night, and I only just finished editing it. This chapter was a doozy, it’s so very long… Six more chapters before the main story is completed!

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