Extra: Two People (Zhang Jun)

Zhang Jun had been dumped yet again.

His newest girlfriend had been very pretty, but she had one problem: she loved to ask about his exes. She had managed to make a crystal clear investigation on the history of his love life; he had six girlfriends before her and she had asked about each one of them aside from one. The reason for her silence on the last one was simple, the other five had asked to break up with Zhang Jun, whilst Zhang Jun had broken up with the last. Since he had initiated the breakup, there could truly have not been any love left, but who knew about the five others? The ones from many years ago weren’t as suspicious, but the last and second last ones ranked high on the hit list.

The following conversation would often happen because of this:

“Which one of your girlfriends is the most pretty?”

“Which one do you like the most?”

Zhang Jun didn’t really like answering these questions, but when a woman became particularly talkative, even God would shed tears. Compared to getting his ears chewed out, he might as well answer them all.

“The prettiest one… Let me think… I think she’s sitting right in front of me.

“Who do I like the most? I don’t have anyone I like the most, the only one I like is you.”

He reassured her like a child. This girlfriend had never experienced any unforgettable relationships and had yet to understand that the most reluctant piece would always be hidden the deepest.

He was always really good to her and the days were peaceful.

One day though, she found out from somewhere that the girl he broke up with went to Tsinghua and immediately her curiosity was piqued as she continued pestering him about what she was like.

He tried to gloss over it but for some reason, she suddenly got mad and told him that unless he told her a bad quality of that girl, she would break up with her.

He dropped his head, tiredness rushing up his heart and he said, “For me, the only thing bad about her was that she didn’t love me.”

The girlfriend stared at him for a long time before saying calmly, “Let’s break up!”

“Let’s, he replied.

They broke up, but Zhang Jun still helped her get her job settled and find a house and move her furniture, and it was only when everything was done that he finally left.

The girlfriend sighed. “No wonder why your exes would always say such good things about you but still refuse to be your girlfriend.”

Zhang Jun smiled. “I’m just not lucky enough.”

The girl saw that there was some dust on his clothes and reached out to pat it off but Zhang Jun immediately took a step back. The girl smiled a little self-mockingly and retracted her hand. “Why does she not like you?”

Zhang Jun played with his car keys, a smile on his face. “Who? Who doesn’t like me? I thought everyone loved me!”

The girl didn’t say anymore and waved him goodbye.

Zhang Jun got into his car whilst unconsciously humming a song by Leslie Cheung. With one hand on the steering wheel, he turned on the CD player, but hearing that it was a song by Jolin Tsai, he closed it again and opened the radio.

The host was announcing the current traffic. Zhang Jun drove whilst changing the channels, the speakers sometimes playing male voices, sometimes female voices, the sad and the happy flying by in seconds just like his broken life.

Finally, he ended up on a channel that was playing the beginning to a song and he stopped.

It was a warm alto voice and the music was fairly easy to listen to. The first line of the lyrics immediately grabbed Zhang Jun’s attention.

I want to ask, do you still remember my name?
As the tide of people ebbs and flows,
Those fierce romantic days seemed like centuries ago,
You appeared for just a second, and I’ll remember it for a lifetime,
What is with my emotions?
Such a brief joy, so why do I maintain
That it was the most unforgettable part of my life?

The joy and sorrow of ocean travels was not lonely,
Thank god this heart retained light from when I once had you,
You shone for a second, dazzling me for a lifetime,
And I was such a fool.
I’m sorry, but I truly thought the way you held me was hint for a promise,
And through comings and goings, I am still lonely,
Thank goodness these eyes which once cried for you still shine with the light of love,
These years, and things, a moment, a lifetime,
Just what kind of life have you been living?

Please promise me one thing,
If I can meet you once again,
Let me see you shine as brilliantly as ever.

Amidst the music, the smile on Zhang Jun’s face slowly faded and his eyes. staring intently in front of him, were filled with a faint sorrow.

In his youth, he had once loved a girl with all his heart, but she didn’t love him. Or maybe she did, but not as much as he.

They were so young and fought frequently, and Qiqi would start ignoring him for the smallest arguments. His love was so humble, always taking steps back to make her stay again and again, just hoping that one day she would understand that if she were to look down, she would be able to see the heart he offered freely to her.

But, no! Her future was too brilliant and she didn’t have time to look back. 

That time, just before the finals, they went through their biggest fight and they both ignored each other. He didn’t want to do that to her. All he wanted was to childishly force her to be the one to say “I’m sorry, let’s make up”. He childishly wanted to use that method to see her heart, and see that she cared about him.

In that anxious wait, all he got was disappointment. She lived her life as usual, not caring at all about him, though he was unable to get her out.

When the test results came out, his grades flunked yet she not only kept her throne, but went further ahead. Everyone around him told him that he should break up with her, that she didn’t care about him one bit.

But, he couldn’t let go. Even though he knew that she didn’t care, he was still unwilling to break up.

The school invited some outstanding alumni to do some speeches and Qiqi sat in front of him, not far away. He didn’t hear a word of what was being said on stage; his focus was only on her.

Her eyes were so bright, staring at the seniors from Peking and Tsinghua, sometimes deep in thought, sometimes smiling. He felt a bit distressed. He wasn’t one of those outstanding boys, he wouldn’t be able to keep her eyes on him.

Ever since the winter holiday of the second year of high school, when Ms Gao had asked her whether she preferred Tsinghua or Peking, he had felt an overwhelming pressure. Just where was this relationship leading to?

Back then, he told himself that as long as they loved each other, he was willing to use all his might to succeed, and they would definitely be able to overcome every hardship to achieve a happy ending.

Yet that day, as he looked at Qiqi, even though she was right in front of him, he felt as if they were drawing further and further away from each other. A gap seemed to have appeared between them that was impossible for him to cross.

A deep sadness filled his heart and he did something really childish, he told himself that if she turned around and looked at him, then it would prove that there was still a chance for them and he would go chase after her afterwards and apologize, and tell her that no matter where she decided to go, he would use everything he had to chase after her.

But no.

In that almost two hour long meeting, she didn’t turn to him even once. It was like he had never even existed.

He mocked himself and silently said, Look, even the heavens are saying that you two aren’t fated, so stop reaching out beyond your league and let go!

When the meeting ended, she vanished immediately into the crowd as per usual, as if she had forgotten she had a boyfriend. 

His heart had already sunk to rock bottom, but his pride forced him to keep smiling.

He forced himself to talk casually with Guan He and walk outside as if nothing had happened, but his heart was still on her.

A corner, a turn, and she suddenly appeared in front of him, but next to her stood a spirited and energetic youth- the previous state rank one, and current top student of Tsinghua: Chen Jin.

They talked in a low voice, the same confidence and steadiness between their brows.

In that moment, he suddenly thought of a fitting description for them: two birds creating a tailwind for each other*.

Qiqi probably needed someone like that who would be able to fight with her.

He tried to pretend that he didn’t care, that he didn’t mind, but he knew deep down just how immature his auctions were. He didn’t even have the courage to face her and could barely stop himself from running away.

Just when he was the most lost, Qiqi decided to break up with him.

He told himself that it was the best ending for them, that they weren’t suited for each other, but every night, he would constantly be reminded of her. From his childhood to teenage years, her figure filled almost every page of his memory, and to rip away her figure was almost as if ripping away his entire youth. That destructive pain made it even more painful to let go of her.

His logic told him over and over again that Qiqi wasn’t happy with him, that she was always hesitating, struggling, angry, that compared to two people in pain, it was better for only one person to suffer.

But no matter how his logic analyzed it, he couldn’t cut off his emotions and he was still hesitant.

After arguing with himself some more, he decided to give himself one last chance. If he was able to get into the top ten for midterms, it would mean that there was still a chance for him to walk with Qiqi into the future, and he would never let go; but if he was still far, far behind her even after giving it his all, then it would be time to let go.

If he couldn’t have her, then he could at least give her his blessings and let her soar by herself without a worry.

Giving himself this one final chance, he went back to her and humbly begged her to come back to him.

The first thing she said secretly condemned him for his poor final results and his lack of self-control.

At that moment he was disappointed by her logic and her clarity, but at the same time, admired her for them. It was this girl that made him feel so much love and hate at the same time.

Qiqi came back to his side and he fought with everything he had. For the test, but even more so for their future.

Every time he saw her, his heart was filled with both joy and sorrow. Maybe after the midterms, he would have to let her go completely. This might have been the last time in his life that he could ever have her.

Because every day was their last, he tried to make himself happy, and make her happy, carefully protecting each sunrise and sunset.

When she looked at him, her eyes were still filled with suppressed sorrows. Maybe she was deciding between her future and love.

He knew that she didn’t want to give up anything for love. Guan He had said that she really looked down on Anna’s love in《Anna Karenina》, that she thought women should never place love as their top priority. He had read the book three times because of that. 

But then, even though he tried his hardest, he wasn’t even able to get into the top twenty.

On the day the results came out, he sat by himself next to the school pond for the entire night. Even if Qiqi was his entire youth and losing her meant losing all the happy memories he had, he still had to let her go.

Next to the bridge, he had wanted to break up with her, but he couldn’t help but kiss her.

He asked her, Will you remember me forever?

She replied, Come ask me again ten years later.

How he wished for a chance to ask her again after ten years, but ten years later, it would no longer be him standing next to her.

He didn’t have the courage to break up with her face to face and could only do it through letters.

That night, he wanted to vent out his pain. He wanted to go drink, to fight, but he knew that Qiqi would look down on him doing that.

He had to control himself.

He secretly went to Fourth Primary, sneaked into the empty classroom, sat down onto their original seats, and allowed himself to drown in his sorrow in the darkness.

That dumb little Qiqi, that little bad Zhang Jun.

She had once willfully held up her hat for him to shade him from the sun, not changing position for hours.

She used to stutter each time she saw him.

She would come to school in a new dress but hide behind others, walking close to the walls. He would compliment her on the dress, but instead of being happy, her face would flush and she would walk away and ignore him for days to come, and he would get so scared he stopped saying anything like that in front of her.

When he had finished watching a crime movie, he had told her, Let’s create a secret code between us. She had pursed her lips and not said anything, probably thinking that he was annoying, but he continued happily, breaking his surname into “Chang Gong” and her name into “Xi Si”, and told her that in the future they would use them as codenames. If she said, “Xi Si’s calling for Chang Gong, Xi Si’s calling for Chang Gong”, he would reply, “Chang Gong here, Chang Gong here.” He asked her to call him “Chang Gong” and she had laughed, but hadn’t said anything.

She had brought from home a huge packet of home-made beef jerky. He had asked her, “You’re eating all that by yourself? Is there any for me?” and she had glanced at him, not saying a word but taking out two pieces of paper and carefully dividing the jerky into two piles. He wanted to go take it, but she suddenly took hold of his hand to stop him. Before he had reacted, she retracted her hand as fast as lightning, her head almost touching the table, her two little hands busily taking out another piece of paper and placing onto it an even bigger pile of beef jerky from the two smaller piles.

“This is for Ms Gao. I had forgotten.” 

Her voice was as small as a ringing mosquito. He moved a little closer and asked, “What did you say? I couldn’t hear anything, just the humming of a little mosquito.” She had turned her head away towards the window and refused to speak. For that entire class, no matter what he did or said, she had kept her eyes away from him, but when he had finished his pile of jerky, she had pushed her pile over, her eyes still fixed on the questions and murmured, “Here, my teeth hurt.”

In middle school, even though they were no longer in the same class, he would often run into her, and every time he saw her, it was like looking in a mirror, forcing him to judge himself.

When he saw that her grades were going up, he felt like he couldn’t drop behind too much either, after all, they were both Ms Gao’s students and they went and got prizes together, so he would play around and still maintain his grades.

When he saw that even though she was constantly going to karaokes and clubs, she had never tried to follow the trends and was always just reading a book in her own little world, he had felt that even if everyone else saw drugs as the new trend, he should also refuse to touch them.

Qiqi had the courage to walk her own path. No matter how wild and colourful the girls arounds her were dressed, she was always able to walk through them in the drabbiest clothes, not caring at all what others thought of her. Every time he saw her like that, it was like a bucket of ice water, clearing his mind from the extravagance around him.

In those three years of middle school, if Qiqi hadn’t been around as a constant reminder, his grades would have long dropped, and he would have fallen to the people around him in one impulsive decision.

During high school, finding out Qiqi was in the class right next to him, he felt like even the heavens were helping him.

During military training, Qiqi had burnt her face. He asked Tong Yunzhu what he should do and gave her a bottle of sunscreen, yet she dumbly slapped it onto Song Peng’s table. He could only smile bitterly. 

When he was sick, Qiqi would secretly sneak out of her house to accompany him. Those were such happy times. He could hold her hand, talk to her and even kiss her. He knew that she was cautious so he was always careful to not cross the line, only daring to kiss her hand and cheeks, but those hidden desires would constantly keep him up at night. He had comforted himself, it didn’t matter, there was a lifetime before them!

A lifetime? They didn’t even have a tomorrow!

Zhang Jun slumped over the desk as his tears fell out silently.

In the dark classroom, there was no need to pretend to be strong, no need to mind that men shouldn’t cry, so he let all his sorrows flow out through his eyes.

He stayed in the classroom until midnight before returning home.

His brain was still filled with the past when Qiqi appeared in front of him like a miracle.

He felt as if he was in a trance, as if the times had yet to go by, that he was still the Zhang Jun who could sit next to Qiqi and work with her, and how he wished to move close to her and make her laugh and say, “I was only joking, let’s go pick up rocks from the river!”

But the Qiqi in front of her was filled with logic and control, her expression calm, her voice so clear and firm, not even a trace of the hysteria normal couples showed when breaking up.

He knew that given some time, she would be able to understand and accept their break up.

He took her home. Remembering that this was the last time he could ever walk her back, he felt like his heart was being cut up by knives. He had to tell himself over and over that if he loved her, he needed to stop dragging her down.

That short trip took him almost all of his self-control. The instant they arrived, he turned and left, not daring to stay a second longer. He was scared that he would return.

“Zhang Jun!”

He heard her cry but, he couldn’t turn back, nor did he dare to.

The breakup became a divide in his emotions.

Before, even though he had resented Qiqi for not loving him, he knew that it wasn’t something he could force.

Afterwards, he started to hate her.

After their breakup, he still had to try and control his longing for her, and every time he saw her, he would feel as if his chest was being crushed, yet she recovered immediately, playing around with her friends everyday, her smile as bright as ever, her studies never impacted.

He started going to school with Huang Wei. He knew well about the rumors surrounding them but childishly wished for them to be spread to Qiqi. He even used Huang Wei and pretended to bump into Qiqi by chance, making her see him together with Huang Wei. He had wanted to find even the tiniest trace that she had cared for him, but no! She was always so energetic, so spirited.

He had thought that after trying so hard, she would at least feel a little bit of sorrow for his departure- if not for their love, then at least for their memories growing up. Had she never treasured the bonds between them? Had she never felt sad at losing him?

But she didn’t!

She started going to and from the school with Shen Yuanzhe, and every time he saw them, he had acted uncaring but his heart felt like it was about to explode. He couldn’t help but ask, Had Qiqi ever truly liked him? Maybe for Luo Qiqi, apart from her future and her studies, it hadn’t really mattered who it was that was standing next to her.

Qiqi’s life continued as usual, always getting first place in every test. She had grinned at all those asking and said, “Zhang Jun and I broke up, but we’re still friends.”

She was so reasonable, generous and understanding but he was disappointed. He had thought that his value in her heart was at least heavier than this.

The scene that broke his heart the most happened one week after their breakup.

The school held a meeting on studying tips and Qiqi stood in front of the entire high school division and introduced how she had studied. Everyone else read from a script whilst she walked up with no preparations at all, and underneath her disinterested face was a faint sigh of impatience. She really looked like Chen Jin. They didn’t care about outside glories because there was already a target in their heart.

He had watched her from underneath the stage, his heart filled with both bitterness and pride.

When the meeting was over, she was surrounded by a group of students from second grade, her face devoid of irritation. As he walked past her, he couldn’t even bare to look at her face and had to try his best to look away expressionlessly, but she smiled so happily, waved at him, and had called out so intimately, as if to her, he was just another friend- as if nothing had ever happened between them.

He felt like his heart had been stabbed.

She acted as if their past had never existed!

She was reasonable and courteous, so fine, he would play the role of the immature and impolite one.

His hurt grew to anger. He didn’t care how others might look at him, he had decided that he was cutting all ties with her. Any occasions that Luo Qiqi might have attended, he avoided, so that they would never have to meet! He would get mad at anyone who so much as mentioned her name to him, letting everyone around him know that Luo Qiqi was taboo. His actions clearly told everyone that yes, he was hurt! Everything, just so he could stay away from her.

From then on until graduation, he never saw her again and never heard a thing about her. He used all his might to lock her completely away from his world.

This time, he made up his mind to completely forget her!

From then until university, until he left his hometown, he had only met her twice.

Once was the graduation celebration in which Luo Qiqi had been dragged into becoming one of the hosts. He had kept his head lowered and refused to look at her, talking with other people, refusing to listen to her voice. The ceremony had barely started before he had already slipped away without anyone noticing. What she did that night, what she said that night, it all had nothing to do with him! He didn’t even see what she was wearing.

The last time he saw her was when after the admission letter had come out, when he went for a jog in the morning and saw her on the way back. He had wanted to turn away but seeing her standing on the bridge in the light rain, throwing away pieces of rocks, a faint sorrow on her face, he was suddenly unable to move. He even felt the illusion that Luo Qiqi was sad for him.

But once again, he over-thought it. Luo Qiqi only looked at him silently before turning away and leaving.

He watched as her silhouette slowly disappeared amidst the rain and thought, from now on, she would fade completely from his life, and he would no longer be able to touch her world. All he could do was to wish her happiness and for another man who would be able to fly with her.

It turned out his attempts at hate were all because of love.

He was sad, but he would never regret loving her, or hating her.

Zhang Jun returned home, his thoughts still disturbed.

The gates of memory were opened, and released from it was something he could no longer control.

Opening the computer, he started searching for the song. He wanted to know what it was called.

《Light》by Rene Liu.

He pressed the play button. The song sounded, and with that first impression, it sounded even more heart wrenching.

As the tide of people ebbs and flows,
Those fierce romantic days seemed like centuries ago,
You appeared for just a second, and I’ll remember it for a lifetime,
What is with my emotions?
Such a brief joy, so why do I maintain
That it was the most unforgettable part of my life?

Zhang Jun leant against the chair and listened.

He had so firmly believed that he had forgotten them all, but he had only hidden those memories away within the depths of his mind. Time and age might bury it in dust, but it would always be right there, waiting.

After all those years, he asked himself for the first time: Just why couldn’t he forget?

Maybe it wasn’t just because those years had carried his youthful laughs and sorrows, his childish sincerity and clumsiness, his successes and failures. If she hadn’t been there, maybe his Gaokao results wouldn’t have been as good and he wouldn’t have been able to choose from the courses and schools that he liked- she had allowed him to understand what it meant to chase after a dream, and to realize it. If such a young girl was able to keep standing upright for a dream, what was stopping him? That was why he had refused to continue his father’s business and insisted on doing landscape design, and why he was able to keep going after every failure, enjoying the joy of success after struggle, and finally understanding the true meaning of a sense of accomplishment.

The light she had left behind in his heart made his own life become even more brilliant.

Love her, and make yourself better!

His phone vibrated from an incoming text.

He wasn’t in the mood to answer, but they were stubborn and kept texting him. On the sixth time, he picked up his phone. It was an unknown number.

“Is this Zhang Jun?”

Six consecutive messages, all with the same message.

He replied, “Yes, and you are?”

“I’m Guan He. I hope you still remember me. I have something I need to tell you.”

Zhang Jun was surprised. “Of course I remember. I’m not very used to texting, let me call you.”

The call was still connecting when a new message arrived. “Then you must still remember Luo Qiqi?”

Zhang Jun didn’t know how to respond to this message, and even more so whether or not he should still call her. He stared blankly ahead of him. The computer speaker was playing, “You came for a second, I remember for a lifetime.”

Obviously, Guan He didn’t need his answer as a new message arrived. “On your birthday in the second grade of high school, Qiqi gave you a bottle of lucky stars. Did you see the words in them?”

Now, he no longer had the courage to press call. It was as if it was the only way he was able to keep himself within a safe circle. He sent a text back. “What do you mean?”

“So you haven’t. If you haven’t thrown them out yet, go open one of them up.”

He still couldn’t understand her words. Another message. “If you’ve already thrown them out, then pretend I didn’t say anything.”

“What do you mean?”

“My meaning’s very clear.”

Zhang Jun stared blankly at the phone for a long time when he suddenly jumped up and hurriedly walked into his bedroom.

He took out a black small suitcase from the lowest layer of his wardrobe. There was a small lock on the suitcase, the key to which he threw outside his window many years ago. He had never opened the suitcase all these years but had moved it over the instant he moved houses.

He found a piece of wire, sat on the ground and began to pick the lock.

He hadn’t done it in many years and the gestures were long unfamiliar to him, but this lock was fairly easy to pick and it opened after a bit of struggle.

The box was filled with miscellaneous items. He still remembered the day Qiqi had smiled and waved at him casually, and how he had wanted to throw out everything to do with her the instant he came home. He had already packed them all into a box and had been standing in front of the rubbish bin, but took them back in the end and had found a suitcase to stuff everything inside.

He started taking them out one by one.

First, several dinosaurs from the Beijing Planetarium. He had wanted to keep them as a memorandum for Qiqi, but she had never liked getting presents from him so he had never dared give them to her.

Second, the box of the heart necklace she had refused. Guan He had picked it up from the rubbish bin and returned it to him.

Zhang Jun smiled bitterly. Fate had been hinting at the end from the very beginning, but he had refused to believe it.

Third, a beautiful photo album filled with photos of him and Qiqi in Qingdao. She hadn’t wanted to take any pictures, so he had to ask Master Zhen and Master Jia to take as many sneak photos as possible. All of them were taken from behind her, so even though they looked a bit strange, they were very natural. When he was putting the album together, he was even sweetly dreaming of taking it out when they went on their honeymoon in Qingdao to scare her.

Zhang Jun flipped it open and immediately closed it again.

Finally he found the glass bottle containing the lucky stars she gave him, even though he had never been lucky.

Opening the bottle, he took out a small handful of lucky stars and observed them carefully. He suddenly understood what Guan He had meant.

He picked up a green lucky start and opened it carefully.

As he was opening it, he saw that there were tiny words on the paper. His breathing sped up but he forced himself to slowly flatten the paper slip.

“I heard that you confessed to Guan He, so I decided to ignore you. I thought that as long as I didn’t talk to you, I could stop liking you.”

Zhang Jun immediately opened another lucky star. 

“When I was standing on the pingpong table, I was the most afraid of seeing you. You didn’t appear and I was really happy.”

“During my speech, I saw you, and even though I knew it was impossible, I still wished you came to see me.”

“Let me tell you a secret- I don’t like picking up rocks. I only like picking up rocks with you.”

“You fell asleep on the big rock so I covered the sun for you with my hat. As long as you’re sleeping, I’m willing to cover the sun for you forever.”

“Let me tell you an even bigger secret. I really hate it when you talk with Guan He.”

“When I’m happy and when I’m not, I write 长弓*’ on a piece of paper. That way, it’s like you can experience the emotions with me.”
(*These two character combined together make up Zhang 张)

“The first time I started liking you was on that day when it hailed, and you said that you would protect me.

Zhang Jun didn’t understand. Qiqi started liking him since primary school? He read those slips again. She ignored him not because she knew that he was the one who stole the fountain pen, but rather because she thought that he liked Guan He.

But why did she lie to him?

In that moment of sudden realization, it was as if a bomb that had been hidden underneath the cover of time had suddenly exploded. The thick layers upon it hadn’t decreased its strength at all, but rather made it expand, revealing the pain he had hidden away into the deepest corners.

But underneath that pain was an overwhelming joy.

His heart was thumping loudly in his chest, his hands shaking. Qiqi, my dearest Qiqi, did you truly love me that deeply? Zhang Jun, you’re such an idiot, why couldn’t you understand that the softest corner was always hidden the deepest?

Zhang Jun was unable to keep opening them. He grabbed his phone and called Guan He.

There were ten years of separation, but he wasn’t in the mood for chatting. “How did you know there were words in the lucky stars?”

Guan He was surprised. Even though she had hoped that Zhang Jun hadn’t thrown out Luo Qiqi’s gifts, it was only a small hope. After all, even she had heard of some of Zhang Jun’s love affairs in the past few years. “I’ve known since eleven years ago. Qiqi had told me secretly.”

Zhang Jun was silent. A while later, he forced a sound out of his throat. “Why did you only tell me now? Why not back then?”

Guan He didn’t say anything.

Zhang Jun slowly regained his senses and asked, “Why are you suddenly telling me this?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it was because I received a letter from her and suddenly wanted to know if you still remembered her.”

Zhang Jun wanted desperately to brush over it, and lightly say “Of course I remember, she was one of my girlfriends,” but he couldn’t make out the words.

“Since you’ve kept the gift she gave you, I’ll tell you another thing- Luo Qiqi’s back and these days, she’s back at where we grew up.”

Zhang Jun’s heart sped up and he forced his voice back to neutrality. “Do you have her phone number?”

“I only have her email address, but the world is a small place. She has friends, and you also have friends. If you truly wish to find her, it shouldn’t be hard.

A few words from a separate conversation came through the phone. Guan He said, “I’m going to hang up.”

“Yes, and about just then… sorry! No matter what, thank you for telling me that there were words inside those lucky stars. They were really important to me.”

Guan He was silent for a while. “Thank yourselves. If Qiqi had already forgotten about you and me, she wouldn’t have written to me. If you had already forgotten about her and thrown away those memories, it wouldn’t have mattered even if I told you.”

Guan He finished and hung up.

Zhang Jun stood dumbly for a while before suddenly running outside. At the doorway, he turned back again, stuffed everything back into the box messily, and carried it downstairs.

An eight hour car trip later, he returned to where he grew up in the early morning.

When he arrived though, he started feeling a little confused. Just what was it he wanted to do?

Tell Qiqi, I misunderstood you? I didn’t break up with you because I stopped loving you? I lied when I said that my love had been wasted away?

Because of their pride and clumsiness, they had an abundance of mistakes and misunderstandings between them, but after all the years that had passed, those misunderstandings no longer felt so important. 

He parked his car underneath his house and sat silently.

When he had opened up his lucky stars, it was as if time had been shortened so that their arguments and breakups were only yesterday, and the ten years in between no longer existed. It had been as if should he have just rushed back to that intersection in time, he would have been able to get back all those lost times and redo the mistakes of his youth, but when that impulse faded, he realized that the past was long gone, and the future – there was no future! They could no longer turn back, nor could they continue on!

He sat there for a long time. Taking out a cigarette, he lit it, and as he smoked, he slowly drove the car from one street to another.

Fourth Primary School, where they went together, and First High, the cinema they had gone to, her former house, the roller skating rink…

He had returned here many times in the past, but each time he was in a hurry. Now that he thought about it, this was the first time he was truly revisiting the past. 

With the appearance of each new place, all the memories he had deliberately locked up flowed through his brain like a movie, each scene as clear as if they were from yesterday.

From noon to afternoon, he walked over every place they had once gone to, half fearful, half hopeful, searching for her amidst the crowd. Even he didn’t know if he truly wanted to see her.

He searched for an entire day but still, he didn’t find Qiqi.

He wasn’t sure what he was feeling in his heart. All he could feel was an overwhelming tiredness that was crushing him to the point of oblivion.

He parked his car next to her favourite river and slumped over the steering wheel.

Truthfully, what would happen if he did find her? What was the difference between seeing her and not seeing her?

Who knew if she was already married, or had a boyfriend?

Even if she was still single, the paths they walked were completely different. What could they say to each other apart from a “hello”? All those misunderstandings and apologies had been washed into nothing by time.

What could he tell her? All these years, whether literally or metaphorically, he had been covered in layers upon layers of dust that could not be washed away. Ten years was long enough to shape them into two perfect strangers. He was no longer that careless young boy from all those years ago, and the flow of time, the flow of life, had numbed him to such a degree that he didn’t even have the courage to jump into the river of time to search for her.

The past was for remembering, not for seeking.

He knocked his head on the steering wheel heavily over and over, as if that way he would be able to knock away the past ten years.

Zhang Jun lay on the steering wheel for a long time until the setting sun dyed his window red.

He looked up at the broken bridge in the distance. It was empty, and the sunset burned brilliant but desolate.

Today was almost over, and tomorrow, tomorrow was another day! 

He lit a cigarette and as he smoked, he opened the glass bottle containing the lucky stars.

“I really wanted to ask you who you liked better, Guan He or I, but I was too scared to be disappointed, and I was scared of you lying even more, so I didn’t have the courage to ask you.”

“You know, every time you asked me out, I had always wanted to say yes, but I didn’t have any money to give back to you so I could only refuse. When I become rich in the future, I’ll definitely say yes.”

“On my birthday, my wish was for you to love me forever. Will you love me forever?”

Zhang Jun couldn’t take it anymore. He left the car, walked up the small dirt hill next to the road, and gazed at the river.

It was the last splendor of the sunset, its warm colors splaying across half the sky, its reflection dying all the trees by the river a golden shade of orange. The river was shimmering with a little silver light, and the broken bridge lay lonely across the river, casting a graceful reflection onto the river.

Beneath the trees, on the other side of the river, there sat a woman wearing a white, oversized t-shirt and a pair of blue jean shorts. She was bent over, washing rocks with the river, and when she was done washing one, she would wipe them dry with her t-shirt before placing them in a metal box next to her.

The sunset and the glimmer of the river met each other, turning the thin silhouette of the woman into a warm and fuzzy outline. Her face was unclear, like a gentle dream forgotten by time itself.

Zhang Jun’s body froze and the cigarette slid from between his fingertips to fall to the ground.

Qiqi suddenly raised her head and looked to the other side of the river. Zhang Jun immediately crouched down and hid himself behind a bush. Even he didn’t understand why he made such a childish reaction.

Qiqi’s eyes slowly went over the distant shore before she lowered her head and continued washing the rocks. 

Tears slowly brimmed his eyes. He wanted to control himself but he couldn’t no matter what he did. He pressed his palms onto his eyes, but was unable to hold back all the bitterness and could only let his tears wet them.

At nineteen, he had hid by himself in their primary school classroom and cried for her on her seat, but she would never find out that a young man had shed tears for her. 

At twenty-nine, he cried for her once again. This time, would she know?

Ten years later, they were once again standing at the bridge from their youth, one above the bridge, one below.

But the distance between them was no longer that one bridge. There was the entire Pacific Ocean, ten years of experience and life.

Zhang Jun was no longer nineteen, and Luo Qiqi was no longer seventeen. They were both no longer the person that had loved deeply in their memories, they weren’t even able to decipher just who it was they longed for. Was it the person, or just that innocent and sincere youth?

So what if we met again? That new you was no longer the person you were before, and that familiar countenance would only highlight the cruel flow of time.

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Vera’s Notes:

*比翼齐飞. Neither of us knew how to translate this one, but directly it means ‘flying together wing by wing’. It’s used to describe two people working towards the same goal in sync, and of a couple, ‘inseparable’. It can be used both romantically and platonically. Zhang Jun was describing Luo Qiqi as something like ‘two birds of a feather’, but I didn’t really want to use such a standard metaphor for a rather exotic/poetic Chinese one, so here I am… 

Song lyrics are incredibly hard to translate. I have to rely entirely on Luci’s lyrics and just arrange the words in a way that hopefully sounds poetic enough… 

Zhang Jun really likes comparing Qiqi to a bird by the way, so here are some bird related descriptions for them:
Zhang Jun felt like he was being falcon-punched in the gut as he watched Qiqi talk to Shen Yuanzhe.
Sometimes, Zhang Jun felt like Luo Qiqi was a duck, and Zhang Jun was just water rolling off of her back.
Zhang Jun laid down like a swan ready to die after the untimely demise of their mate, head raised at the sky, unaware that on the other side of the town, Luo Qiqi was doing the same.
Zhang Jun felt like a flea, hanging on desperately to Luo Qiqi’s feathers, hoping the next dust bath wouldn’t shake him off.
They were most apt to be eagles, showing their prowess in a death spiral that led them freefalling closer and closer to the ground, neither willing to let go to try and prove their worth as a mate.

One more chapter to go, everyone! Who here is ready for the return of Xu Xiaobo!

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